you wear nothing, but you wear it so well

So as I have mentioned a little while ago, I love to sing in the shower. Yes, we all use that cliche, but how many of us actually do it? Well, I do. I play my music really loud, and just sing along. It's actually one of my favorite activities of the day, and I will take an extra shower just to be able to sing if I wasn't able to earlier. It's a great stress-reliever.

Sometimes my music is more condusive to listening rather than singing--like when it's Dave Matthews Band. They're my favorite to listen to in the shower because there is something about Dave's voice that is just so soothing and, dare I say, sensual...

It's just always a good time with Dave.

Sometimes...

...I am a liar.

What's wrong with me?

social awkward...ness

It comes in many forms, but here is one out of the many things that annoyed me today.

Disclaimer: I'm sure I've had my fair share of social awkwardness as well, but I'm slowly becoming a more socially competent person, and you should be too.

Socially Awkward Pet Peeve: People who half talk to themselves and you at the same time.

You're not really having a conversation, but you're just by each other because you have to work together or some other forced situation and you might say something every now and again. But these people will say things loud enough that you know it's not exactly meant solely for them, but quiet enough that you have to constantly be like, "What?" To which they might say what they said (which will give no momentum to the conversation anyway) or they just say "oh, um, nevermind..." To which you have no choice but to say "oh..." and just find something to distract yourself from the lingering silence and the "you're really bad at this social interaction" look that so desperately wants to take residence on your face. But you refrain because that would be mean.

I'm kind of a shy person. It's just my temperment. So I know it's bad when I'm actually the outgoing one in the group/pair/etc. situation.

Silence doesn't bother me. Awkward silence bothers me. I don't think people have to talk all the time to fill the space, but I can tell when people are uncomfortable with lulls in the conversation, and then I get squirmy too. One of my favorite movie quotes goes like this: (Edited for your viewing)

Woman: Don't you hate that?
Man: What?
Woman: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about [stuff] in order to be comfortable?
Man: I don't know. That's a good question.
Woman: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just [shut up] for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

I have found some of these people in my life. It's refreshing.

The day is young

So I had a rehearsal this morning from 6:30-8. Surprisingly it wasn't completely painful waking up, which is not normal for me.

I actually really love the morning. The problem is that I'm a night owl; I've learned that since my first sleep over with Felicia. The night was always so exciting and mysterious. Staying up past "bedtime" was one way to foster my inhibited rebellious streak. I could and still can stay up all night and run on empty. I never want to sleep. Getting home at midnight on a weekend seems so early to me. But because of this, I often miss the glorious secrets the morning has to offer. On those dumb facebook or myspace (whoa old school) quizzes (not like I ever take them...) I always prefer sunrises to sunsets. Sunsets just seem so cliche and tired. In the Odyssey the morning is so accurately portrayed as the "rosy-fingered dawn." I like that. The morning is so optimistic and beckoning for adventure. It's a different kind of quiet than the night quiet. The night has a more ominous sound of silence. The night is alone and worn out, and it lurks to capture you in its insomnia. But the morning is just so...fresh. The air is crisp and clear. Nature has awaken--just the people sleep. There is solemn energy all around in abundance, and you are the first to partake of it.

I got to partake of it today sans groggy eyes or stubbornly tired brain/body, and it was lovely.

Anyway, I came home, ran, showered, ate breakfast, did my religion homework, and it's only noon! I'm feeling pretty good at this point.

Have a great day everyone!

Emerson, I love you

Life has just been going really well lately.

"That which we persist in doing becomes easier, not that the task itself has become easier, but that our ability to perform it has improved. "--Ralph Waldo Emerson

(I'll blog about my love for transcendentalism later...) I feel that this quotation has been becoming true for me. Classes are hard; friends are coming and going; life is up and down and sideways; I still struggle with the same weaknesses, but my ability to make these things strengths has improved--even if it is just a little bit. The things themselves haven't changed, but my attitude and actions have changed.

And it makes life so much better. Try it.

It is a beautiful thing to have the realization that this is your life and you are happy.

Something I will never understand:

Morbid Obesity.

I just read on MSN about this lady who is trying to be the world's fattest woman.

WHAT??!!???

I understand when people sometimes "let themselves go" and gain a few pounds or even people who become overweight. Not that it's impossible to be healthy, but sometimes financial circumstances don't allow you to buy quality food, genetics have predisposed you to have to work twice as hard as the next person to be in shape, you have failed to set aside time to exercise, you had kids, etc., etc., etc. I am understanding and sympathetic. Really, I am.

But being 600 lbs??

She spends $750 a week on food. She makes money by men paying to watch her stuff her face on the internet. We have some serious fetishes going on...This story was enough to make me want to throw up. This lady could feed all of Africa if she gave up her selfish endeavor. Not to mention, she could avoid, oh let's see...death, anyone?

I feel sorry for her poor, poor daughter that has to endure this.

Readers: Eat some broccoli or something today. Peace, love, and health :)

This probably is an extremely judgmental rant, but I just couldn't help expressing my disgust.

For today...

Genetics homework
Grocery Shopping
Bio Lab Review
Bio Lab quizzes
Blood Wedding

This might be another productive Tuesday.

Dancesport

It's exhilarating and depressing at the same time.

It's depressing because I get so jealous of these kids who have these programs when they are five years-old and they have the potential to be the best dancers they can be. I didn't start dancing until I was 15, and even then, it was mostly social dancing and not very technique driven. I loved my years on Pacific, but I wish I was ten years younger and could start in their program the way it is now, which is intense, and I love that. I get depressed that dance has faded out in my life. I just didn't have the in like a lot of people did. I didn't have background dance experience to master balance and grace. I didn't have the competitive drive that Utah kids were so accostumed to. I didn't know about the politics of everything until a little too late. I got older; I need to graduate; I have other commitments... I just can't give everything to dance anymore, and I guess I never could have. I'm not competing this year in dancesport, and it kills me. I just wish I could find a partner that I was in sync with that I could just go out there and have fun with. That's all.

Nevertheless, Dancesport is still exhilarating. I've realized this one thing: I don't have to be amazing at something to absolutely love it. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy to say I'm a dancer or I really love ballroom. But I am, and I do. I love how when a samba is blasting in the Marriot, my heart beats to 1--a 2, 3--a 4. I love how the waltz makes me hold my breath until count 3 again. I love not being able to carry on a conversation because I'm so mesmerized by the people on the floor. I love not being able to control the urge to choreograph a little routine in my head when a song comes on. I love the fake tans, the fake nails, the fake hair, the fake eyelashes, but the real passion that drenches the air. So am I the world's greatest dancer? No. But I still have the right to love it with all my heart and dance whenever I feel like it.

Dancesport will always be one of my favorite weekends of the year.

I'm dying for a Renaissance!

I realized that I kind of hate Hum 201. For non-BYU people that's Western Humanities from Early Minoan Civilization until the Early Renaissance.

I enjoyed the Classical period, but other than that, I don't particularly enjoy anything. And I daresay that I don't feel there was a lot of enlightenment at this time in the art department. It's kind of...ugly. And not abstract, I don't get it ugly, but just ugly.

I think I just hate devout, religious art (which is the majority of art at this time) because I feel the world was farthest from religion at this time. (I do love a good dose of irony.) Everything is just so gaudy and show-y. There are some major architectural feats with cathedrals and what not, but I'm not really interested in architecture. I'm all about practicality most of the time.

I took the second half of Humanities before the first, which was a mistake because from the Renaissance and on, everything is just so beautiful and innovative.

Please get me out of the Dark Ages. Soon.

Humanities 201

I don't want to go take my test.

But I have to.

It's in the JFSB, so I'm gonna blast the Medieval Gregorian Chants that I have to listen to which those enormous headphones just to make everyone kind of stare at me.

The nicest thing

I fear that I'm a victim of the drifter mode.

well...

It kind of stings, but I'll be fine.

really.

Mini rant

I'm really trying not to be selfish. Really.

BUT

On Mondays and Wednesdays I have class until 6:45, so I get home around 7:00. And I'm always starving. I've learned to deal with it because I'll hurry and make dinner and everything is okay.

So, to my disgruntlement, I walked in the door tonight on a "serious talk" my roommate was having with "someone." Naturally, I exited stage left to my room where I am forced to stay until their little verbal rendezvous is over. My body is screaming because its food clock has been unpleasantly surprised and disrupted.

I understand privacy....

BUT do you have to have your serious talks in the kitchen, silently forbidding everyone to enter, right at dinner time??

This doesn't happen very often

I walked home from the Testing Center after a long day at school, late at night, with a...bounce in my step?

Yes, I just took a biochem test. I was stressing all day because I kind of procrastinated yadda yadda yadda, but I still put in my time, and you know what? It wasn't that bad! I actually REALLY love biochemistry. I remember crying on the way home from o-chem tests over the summer. This semester is different for once. No more NMR and crazy synthesis pathways (even though I kind of liked synthesis...) Biochemistry is my favorite way to incorporate chemistry into life.

Gah. I'm just so excited that I'm not repeatedly failing in my chemistry endeavors anymore.

Peace out. I'm going to celebrate or something because this is a rare occasion.

(Maybe my Spanish test and Humanities quiz did not go so well...but, hey, you can't be good at everything all at once.)

I may have an ulcer by the end of the day*

I need to prioritize my life better. I tried this weekend, really I did! Maybe I have ADD? For some reason I think that is a legitimate excuse for everyone, except me. I know it's real, but I think that I could mentally out-smart it. Maybe I just need to buckle down and get things done.

Please just let me survive today.

*Contrary to popular belief, stress does not actually cause peptic ulcers. Ulcers are caused by a bacteria in the stomach, and a simple antibiotic will cure them. I was simply being proverbial.

You say it best...

...When you say nothing at all.

False.

I need words people! Words words words. Yes, I've been known to talk things to death, which is probably too extreme on the opposite end. But still...

Something about me: I'm very trusting of words. I'll almost always believe what you say. This is sometimes a bad thing because people's words often fail them--as I have found out the hard way. I'm not naiive, but sometimes I just want to believe everyone is good. I try to always say what I mean and mean what I say. This is why I initially think everyone else does the same. But they don't always.

Bottom Line: I respect people who can verbalize what they think and feel. And I will always trust that as the truth.

You're so vain...

you probably think this blog post is about you.

And the irony is that it is....and a few others as well.

My view: Breast Implants are a crime against nature and femininty.

(The only exception: If a woman had a masectomy, it would be acceptable to return to your natural size.)

But let's face it, are these the majority of cases? Not even close.

And don't think you're fooling anyone with making them look "natural." People have tried and tried to mimic Mother Nature in a lot of ways, and they still can't do it perfectly. You're breasts look cheap and tacky--no matter how much you spent on them.

Breasts implants are atrocious for numerous reasons. You are slitting your skin open and inserting saline or silicon bags--whatever they use these days--under your once proportional breasts. Does this strike anyone as odd or unkosher? I feel like I'm pedaling a cliche, but nature does not deal in absolutes or "one size fits all"-'s. There is beauty in the details, the imperfections, the blemishes, the subtle variety, the obvious variety, and even the similarities. It's a game of chance, but everyone comes out a winner. Yes, sometimes it feels like we got the shallow end of the gene pool, but that is only because we our slaves to our society's standards. Jeffrey R. Holland said, "there is optimum health, but no optimum size." Amen. Yes, I stress health; I stress taking care of your body; I stress loving your body at any size; I stress confidence. Some women have long legs, short legs, wide hips, slender frames, small breasts, large breasts, "big bones," pear-shapes, heart-shapes, hour-glass shapes... The combinations are endless, and you know what? They are all okay! That's what nature dealt you. You have a certain aspect of control with diet and exercise, but in the end you can't change your natural curves.

Back to breast implants. Succumbing to them only proves two things: 1.)You are insecure and 2.)you've been duped by society.

Sorry. Actually I'm not sorry.

Don't let the Man control what you do. I once watched a show where a teenager was getting impants because she felt uncomfortable being such a small A-cup all her life (pobrecita). The doctor explained that this procedure would bump her up to "just a natural C-cup to feel more feminine...yadda yadda yadda." Since when was an A-cup not natural or feminine? Having breasts alone is a sign of femininity. Femininity is an inner power and confidence. I'm not really sure how it comes, but something inside you says and accepts, "I'm a woman." Femininity is biological because we have the necessary machinery to carry and give birth to offspring, emotional because we experience a flood of emotions in a completely different way than men, neurological because hormones affect our brain chemistry which changes significantly how we are "wired", social because certain female behaviors have been learned from our societies and social groups(for better and for worse), and religious perhaps because our view on the nature of God affects how we view the nature of ourselves and our gender. Femininity is not, however, material. You cannot buy things to make you feel more feminine. And yes, implants are things. A cheap plastic bag filled with a solution. That's it.

The fact that you are female comes from the fact that you have two X chromosomes. The fact that you are feminine comes from...well a lot of things that go beyond the mere phenotypes that come from these chromosomes. Femininity is a synergy of all these attributes. It combines individual personality differences with their biological capabilities. It is a confidence of being equal amongst many differences.

Is it really worth a couple thousand dollars to "make your shirts fit better?" That's probably the lamest excuse of the bunch.

Grow some ovaries. Be a woman. Be sexy/confident/cool. Love your body. Take care of it. Say no to the male-influenced prototype because it's a fallacy.

We

...are not that different from each other.

I find more truth in that statement every day.

Today is March 5th and my best friend Lauren's 21st birthday!

Dear Cyberspace,

Here are 21 reasons why Lauren is amazing:

1. She's down to earth.
2. She's one of the most thoughtful people I know.
3. She writes the best notes, yearbook signings, letters, etc. She just has a way with words...
4. She finds the funniest youtube videos.
5. She is an exquisite dancer and has never backed down on that dream.
6. She perseveres through hard times.
7. She has unimaginable strength of character.
8. She is braver than I ever could be.

9. She makes excellent CD mixes...(I miss those.)

10. She's vegetarian...naturally :)

11. She is beautiful inside and out.

12. She is who she is and is comfortable with that.

13. She is temperate.

14. She understands.

15. She stays the same...in a good way. No matter how many years pass, Lauren is always the Lauren I met in sixth grade.

16. She is independent and makes her own decisions.

17. She sticks by friends in their times of need.

18. She is natural, calm, and collected.

19. She is a Ben&Jerry's enthusiast, which means she knows quality.

20. She is graceful in every sense of the word.

21. She has been my best, truest friend for 10 years (?!!) and I've enjoyed every minute of her company in that time.

Happy Birthday Lauren!

Ugh

I really don't want to go to the biology lab...

maybe i just won't and I will figure this out by myself.

One of my favorite BYU remarks

*Note to non-Mormon readers: I go to a predominantly Mormon college, which is sometimes frustrating to find diversity, but I generally love feeling a unity with people of my faith. We believe that sexual relations are reserved for marriage. So that is why you know when people get married, it's also a time of losing the v-card.

Typical overheard conversation:

Person: "Oh hey, [name]!"
Newly Married Person: Hey how are you?
P: So good! How about you? You just got married right?
NMP: Oh yeah last month
P: How's married life?
NMP: Oh it's so awesome.

Pause. "How's married life?" Really?? I typically only hear this conversation among females...maybe there is an occasional male in there. I always snicker a bit at this question because, come one, we're not stupid. At least I'm not. I know exactly what you mean when you say "how's married life?" What you really mean, is "how do you enjoy being sexually liberated after so long?" That's really all that's changed. Let's face it: You were probably together every minute you could be while you were engaged, so it's not like you see each other that much more. You now have to worry about insurance, cell phone bills, and other unforseen expenses that your parents may have used to take care of. You probably have even less money than before you were married. You have to be on birth control, which can be a hassle if your body doesn't like the brand you are using. But you get to have sex now--guilt-free. That's really the one good thing that comes out of this whole newly married mess.

Please don't think I am being obsene or anti-marriage. I think marriage is great when you're ready for it. It's an important and mature step in one's life to make such a commitment of love to the person you want to be with forever. It allows you to create an environment where love can grow deeper than you imagined. Sex is an expression of that love. Yes, some people use it for meaningless gratification, but that is not how I want to use it.

Anyway, I just wish people would say what they really mean when they ask a Mormon, "how's married life?" I guess that could just get uncomfortable and awkward, but it would be funny. I guess I'll be content with the ambiguous euphemism.

But just know, you're not fooling anybody.

so I woke up this morning...

...after getting 12.5 hours of sleep.

How glorious. So I'm going to start studying for biochem, do my religion homework, go to a review, read for Spanish.

I need a job. That should be on the front burner.

And I need a research opportunity this spring/summer!!!

That's all.

I should fix some old habits

Why am I such a night owl/insomniac? Yet, I always manage to schedule early morning classes.

I need to stop procrastinating and finishing papers at 4:30 in the morning. I'm pretty much dead by the end of the day.

But my best ideas sometimes come under intense pressure, so....dilemma.

Anyway, good night!