Superiority

Dear People I Kind of Knew in High School,

Why do you have a bajillion pictures of yourselves posing with alcoholic beverages all over facebook? I get it; you're "so BAMF" because you're not even 21 and you have a Bud Light in your hand. Or you are 21, and this gives you validation of being an "adult." Good for you.

Your pictures are tacky. You don't seem a bit changed from high school.

Sincerely,
Tanya

Lull

It seems that I haven't had much to write about lately. Maybe this is because it's easier to whine than be grateful, but I'm trying not to let every blog post be a moody one.

The fact is that life is just really great right now. And it's not for any particular reason. That's the great thing about it. Things are rocky sometimes in different areas of my life, but I still just love life.

I'm working on weeding out my character defects (which takes a lifetime...) and just enjoying the beauty and peace around me. There is a lot to be happy about, and it's all because of God's hand in my life.

I'm turning 21 tomorrow, and I feel good about it. In the past, I used to be afraid of getting older, but living in fear gets old after awhile. No more! Bring on the 21...and the many more years that follow.

Hyperballad*

Some things never change.

It's coming again. That nauseaous, anxious pit in my stomach. That overwhelming sense to flee the scene and run like mad. That wanting to be anywhere but here. That urge to push someone--anyone. That desperation for an isolated breath of air.

"it's become a habit, a way to start the day..."

*one of my favorite Bjork songs. (And my old roommate Emily does an awesome acoustic version to it. I wish I could hear it again.)

H2O

My life is kind of reflecting the old adage, "when it rains, it pours." This is all really new for me.

Dear You,
Please forgive my awkwardness at this time.

Thanks.

--Tanya

And you can tell everybody, this is your blog post...*

*cue Elton John classic preferably redone by Ewan McGregor.

It's Mother's Day and just for my mom, I'm writing her a lovely blog post because she loves everything I do :)

Things I have learned from my mom:
1. Take your time picking the right person--there is no rush to get married at 20.
2. How to make world-class cookies. (I have yet to meet a contender.)
3. How to cook in general.
4. How to be more assertive.
5. What's most important in life (i.e. God, Jesus Christ, and family)
6. Don't go to bed angry.
7. The importance of education and making the most of your talents.
8. How to be more of a people person.
9. How to budget and be frugal.
10. How to drive aggressively and multitask.
11. The importance of giving 100% in every responsibility you have.
12. The usefulness of speaking a second language.
13. Don't date chauvenists.
14. The entertainment that comes from quality films with people like Audrey Hepburn, Cary Grant, Doris Day, etc., etc., etc.,
15. A love of music.
16. How to be a better leader.
17. You have to fight for what you want.
18. The happiness that comes from following Jesus Christ.
19. The importance of being home.
20. Pure, maternal love.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means, but it hopefully gives everyone a very general sense of who my mother is. She is smart, assertive, loving, and down-to-earth. She can strike up a conversation anywhere, anytime. She has so many life experiences from traveling or going on a mission or going to college that has embellished who she is. I have a mother who loves God and loves our family with all that she has. I have been so blessed to be raised by such a strong woman in my life.

One time in second grade, my mom was volunteering and came out to recess with me. We saw the girls spinning on the bars, and my mom said, "I used to do that when I was a little girl." So we all said, "Show us! Show us!" So my mom got on the bars and spun around and around. Everyone gathered around, and thought it was so cool that an adult was spinning on the bars. I remember feeling so proud and thinking, "wow, what a great mom I have."

Luckily my mom and I never had that typical strained teenager-parent relationship during high school. It's such a cliche, but my mom has really been one of my best friends. She has more faith in me than sometimes I even have in myself. Her constant love and support has sometimes baffled me in my darkest times. Why would someone believe in me that much? As I have let more light and clarity come into my life, I realize that I couldn't have done it with out someone as loving and dedicated as my mom always backing me up. Since that day in second grade, I still think everyday, "wow, what a great mom I have."

Is this normal??

I remember details. Like details. I'm actually quite good at putting names with faces and places. So good in fact, I pretend to forget names or that I recognize you to make myself seem less like a creeper. I go crazy until I can remember exactly from where I recognize you. And I will eventually figure it out. It's just in my genes. My grandma had a phenomenal memory, and she passed it down so that I have been lucky enough to get it. If I forget your name...(it's probably because I didn't care to store it in the first place.) Or sometimes my brain runs on normalcy and forgets like everyone else.



Case in point: Today someone introduced himself like it was the first time we were meeting. "Hi, I'm so-and-so" I just say "oh hi, I'm Tanya." I'm thinking: Yeah I already knew you're name was so-and-so and I know what class we had together and where you're from and that we had a mutual friend/acquaintance.

Case in another point: A guy sitting next to the guy above says, "I think I might have had a class with you." Might have? We had two. This one and that one. You always fell asleep in this one, and you always sat on that side of the room in that one. You came into Jamba Juice one time when I was working there, and I mentioned that you looked familiar. You looked at me like I was crazy, but played it off politely. "Oh yeah, maybe we did have a class or something..."

This happens to me a lot.

Layers

I originally wrote this in my journal, where the personal things go, but I decided to copy it over to here. So if you care to see deeper into my soul, here you go (although I still probably kept it vague enough for a blog):

This morning I had a moment of divine clarity. Thank you, God. I realized that I don’t always like people. I know we should love people, and I think I went through the motions of that for most of my life, but I was quick to judge and criticize, which is detrimental even when done internally. I came to the realization that I didn’t like people when I saw them reflecting my faults and shameful qualities back in my face; it made me want to hide in self-hate, rather than fix it, work it out, change for the better--because this all required discipline and divine help. Has every day of my life been this depressing? No. But this way of thinking has gone on too long in my life. It has impeded a lot of my growth and development into becoming someone of whom I can be proud. Today I was sitting with a group of people with whom I do not normally interact. They were of all ages and paths in life. I heard different people talking, and I was amazed at their insight and wisdom. I was amazed at their dedication and acceptance. Then I realized that I loved these people individually for the whole person each one is, even though we are all a little rough around the edges. It was a brilliant feeling--the light and peace that I was filled with once I had dispelled negativity and pessimism. I felt truly happy. I was able to experience a thread of the love God has for each of His children.

Today I comprehended the meaning of serenity, and it was beautiful.