I didn't forget

My mom always gets on my case when I stop blogging because all of my 18 fans are waiting, you know. I tell her that I don't have anything interesting to write about, but then she gets offended because that's like saying life at home is boring. Well Mom, the truth hurts.

Just kidding. Life at home is not the worst, but life without a job kind of is. Of course a week after I left Provo, I had two job opportunities if I had stayed. Thank you, Great Timing of the Universe. I'm still optimistic though.

You really don't realize a good thing when you have it. I'm a Northwestern at heart, but I love Provo.

If Bonney Lake is the place I grew up in, Provo is the place I grew deep in. It's the place where I cried and laughed harder than ever before. It's the place where I met some of my truest friends. It's the place where I learned, where I succeeded, where I failed, where I made stupid decisions, and where I made some of my wisest. It's the place that filled me with inspiration. It's the place where I was alone and where I was supported. It's the place that challenged me and changed me. It's the place where I fell in love and where my heart was broken. It's the place where I accepted myself and became happy with the road I was on.

Provo, you are not only a city, but an experience. And you are one of the dearest experiences of my life. Thank you. I'll see you soon.

disillusioned

Does anyone even stay happily married anymore? I feel like I see so many movies or hear so many stories about marriages that just...fade. Sometimes they stay together because divorce is too much of a hassle or sometimes they just call it quits.

Does anyone stay in love forever? Is that too much to hope for in the future?

22 the aftermath

Yesterday was actually greater than I thought it would be. I felt an outpouring of love from friends, family, strangers (that give me rides home--only in Provo), and especially God.

And I had a quiet feeling that everything is going to be okay even if it hurts for awhile. That was probably the best present.

I don't know what I'm doing, but here's to the first step of moving on--wherever that may be.

22

Today is my 22nd birthday. And I'm starting at rock bottom.

As you may have inferred from the girly-giddy posts a month ago, the blogging hiatus, and then yesterday, I was with an extraordinary person who ended up not thinking the same about me. It started fast, I gave my heart quickly, and then I was yanked out of my dreamy existence. Time is a really funny thing that cannot always be taken at face value. A lot of time does not always mean a lot, and a little time does not always mean a little. I say this because some of you may roll your eyes at the length of this relationship. It seems short, but it was a very special and personal time for me. That's the only way I can put it.

Before this, I had never had my heart broken. I had gotten rejected, but that's different. I like someone; he doesn't feel the same way; it sucks; I move on. (Remember my phases?) I learned now that this is more of an ego bruise than anything else. Rejection made me just want to eat junk food or run or listen to music or do anything to make me feel better, but with heartbreak there is no physical thing in the world that you can think of to make you feel better. I didn't want to sleep or eat or talk or anything... I just wanted to wake up from this obvious bad dream.

And one of the worst things in the world is looking at someone who once thought the world of you and having them look at you like you were a lamp.

Well the only thing about starting so low on my birthday is that it can only go up, right?

Happy Birthday to me.

one day i won't regret this

over. done. finished. gone.

All these words have a definite boundary and ending point. I think those words only work for the people on that side. The side that does all the talking. The side that has been planning this. The side holding the gun. The side that's sorry, but can't fix it. The side that isn't desperately hoping this is all a dream or parallel universe. The people on that side say these words, and it's over for them. They wake up the next morning and move on without the heavy burden of a broken, broken heart.

The people on the other side don't have the luxury of this clean breakaway. They are left alone, shocked into numbness and insomnia--trying to dam up their feelings until it causes them to shake and cry on the floor as they try to drown out the big gaping Why? that's pounding in their brains. And then there is that overwhelming responsibility of a million heart pieces that need to be put back together.

I was never very good with puzzles.

post script

Can I also just say that I'm ecstatic because now I don't look quite so much like a pathetic, does-nothing-with-her-life loser next to the boy with a 4.0 and perfect Spanish who gets a promotion at work for being an exemplary teacher and who is really all-out wonderful in every single way...

whirlwind

When life starts getting really good, I forget to blog, and then all my posts just sound whiny and melodramatic and depressing.

A lot of things in my life are up in the air right now, but I hope at least one of them is here to stay. :)

Life is good. So so so good.

so...

I'm a little on cloud nine today.

It doesn't even matter that it's still freezing outside when it's almost May.

I'm just saying.

:)

Just saying

This is perhaps my most favorite thing.

Layers

I originally wrote this in my journal, where the personal things go, but I decided to copy it over to here. So if you care to see deeper into my soul, here you go (although I still probably kept it vague enough for a blog):

This morning I had a moment of divine clarity. Thank you, God. I realized that I don’t always like people. I know we should love people, and I think I went through the motions of that for most of my life, but I was quick to judge and criticize, which is detrimental even when done internally. I came to the realization that I didn’t like people when I saw them reflecting my faults and shameful qualities back in my face; it made me want to hide in self-hate, rather than fix it, work it out, change for the better--because this all required discipline and divine help. Has every day of my life been this depressing? No. But this way of thinking has gone on too long in my life. It has impeded a lot of my growth and development into becoming someone of whom I can be proud. Today I was sitting with a group of people with whom I do not normally interact. They were of all ages and paths in life. I heard different people talking, and I was amazed at their insight and wisdom. I was amazed at their dedication and acceptance. Then I realized that I loved these people individually for the whole person each one is, even though we are all a little rough around the edges. It was a brilliant feeling--the light and peace that I was filled with once I had dispelled negativity and pessimism. I felt truly happy. I was able to experience a thread of the love God has for each of His children.

Today I comprehended the meaning of serenity, and it was beautiful.

'Tis the season

Since it is the season of proposals, engagements, weddings, and other love festivities, I thought I would set some guidelines in case my future spouse is a blog-stalker.

Dear Future Fiancé,
Don’t even think about:
-taking me ring shopping before you propose. Anticlimactic much?
-buying me a diamond. I’ll blog about this later, but suffice it to say now, I don’t do cliché.
-proposing on Temple Square--for the previously stated reason.
-proposing on Valentine’s Day.

No offense to anyone who has done these things. It’s just not me. That’s all.

Fish

Disclaimer: I am not dating anyone right now, so this is not based on anyone in particular or my current situation. This is just an opinion I've had for a long time, and I'm just posting it in cyberworld.

The dilemma: I absolutely despise and disagree with the "fish in the sea" theory of dating. It is used when people break up, and a well meaning friend says, "well, there are plenty of fish in the sea..." (Like that even helps?!?) It is also used to give advice on how to date. Many people support the idea that you have to date a lot of people--like they are fish in the sea--in order to really find the one you want to be with. Sometimes when people are afraid of commitment, their excuse is, "I feel like I just haven't dated enough..."

People are people--not fish. They are individual and without a heirarchy system. Some people think this incessant "shopping around" is to ensure you get the "best deal," so to speak. That's borderline pathetic. Sometimes people are just naively led astray to believe this actually works, so I only kind of blame them for not thinking for themselves.

A possible solution: Appreciate people for the unique people they are. If you have this "shopping around" mentality, nothing will ever seem good enough. When do you stop? How do you know something better isn't still out there? Is this the best you can do? ???!!!! This only inspires insecurity in your abilities and your (insert romantic partner label here).

Of course I agree with moderate dating and having fun and meeting people. But when your intent is to find the best one out there, I think you're going about it all wrong. Life is about creating not finding or stumbling upon. If you want a relationship, create it. If you want friendship, create it. If you want love, create it. Love is a choice. I don't really believe that people fall in love without their own consent. You choose to love people because love is more of an action than a feeling. When two people realize that they are compatible in the important areas, it's up to them to create the rest and make it work. Some people fear that one day they will wake up and just not be in love with their certain person anymore. This is where my mentality is helpful. You create the love between you two. If it is something you just "find" one day, you'll have this fear that it will be gone just as quickly as you supposedly found it. If you want a relationship to work out, it all depends on the effort and nurturing you give to it. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule; people can change significantly;circumstances can turn a relationship sour, etc. But for the most part, you create what you want to have.

In my life, I don't feel this intense urge to date as many people as possible before I get married. I appreciate the dating experiences I've had; the numbers are not astronomical, but I've met some really worthwhile people in the process. When I start to date someone I feel compatible with, I believe I can feel fulfilled and create a relationship even though I haven't dated every single person at BYU to know if that person is "the one."

Bottom line: You are in charge of the love you have in your life because you create it. I think I've drilled that point enough...

"you're just stalling now"

So there is this rumba that I really like. It's Karina Smirnoff and Slavik Kryklyvyy (yeah, try saying that one...) in 2004. Youtube Karina and Slavik rumba, and it should be the first one. Anyway, the song is called "Cuando Te Beso." The song they dance to is instrumental, but there are actual lyrics to the song. When translated from Spanish to English, something is lost. The metaphors sound awkward, the language is a stretch, but it sounds beautiful in Spanish. My favorite line is: "cuando me besas se prenden todas las estrellas en la aurora"

"When you kiss me, all the stars are lit at dawn."

I can't wait for that feeling.

Maybe someday.

Love Actually...

...is all around.

This "Valentine's Day" post is a day late, but that's good because the point of this post is that the Valentine's Day is a a scam created by card companies and I don't conform to it, but we've all heard that before.

And before you think it, no, this isn't a self-involved rant from a bitter, single, feminist. That's cliche. And I don't do cliche.

In essence every day should be Valentine's Day just like every day should be Earth Day and Christmas and every other holiday that celebrates something special. Love has been cheaply reduced to chocolates and red roses and Twilight books when the fact of the matter is that Love is the most powerful thing on the earth. It binds us; it enraptures us; it devestates us; it hurts us. It gives us hope; it gives us meaning; it gives us purpose. It changes lives in small ways and large ways. It makes us wise and makes us senseless. But ultimately, I think love brings out the best in us. True love makes us selfless and concerned with other people. It solves any problem.

I have so many people I love in my life that I am so grateful for. As I continue in my life, I hope to more embody the love that Jesus Christ has for all of us. That is charity, the greatest love anyone can possess. If I could have that love, I would consider my life a success, even if everything else fails--that is how strong that love is.