Bitter

So I realized today that of my close friends, I have no single girl friends left. Actually Matt and Cory are the only single friends I have left at all (in Utah).

I'm not bitter that I don't have a relationship. I'm bitter because I wish everyone was single like the good ol' days, which means there was stuff to do.

Now being single really means single--as in alone, by myself, watching Psych or 30 Rock or some other show and/or doing homework.

Most people don't know what it is truly like to be single.

Meatless

I get so excited when I watch my vegan cooking shows! It's been awhile since I watched them, but when I go home, it's going to be a party.

Things to make: "Turkey" seitan, vegan gravy, pigs in a blanket with veggie dogs, vegan mashed potatoes, etc. The possibilities are endless.

I'm already getting jittery. I love to cook; I just don't do it at college for lack of time and resources. When I go home for Christmas though, I'm going to have a ball. Vegan cooking and modifying old favorite recipes is one of my favorite things in this world!

It's a vegan revival kind of day.

not cynical

I think it's interesting that around this Thxgiving (ha) time, I have a lot of female friends that gush on facebook/blogs how they are so thankful for their boyfriend/fiance/husband/wedding/marriage and things of the like. Conversely, I have seen no males reciprocate these sentiments.

Curious...

Bendiciones

What would Thanksgiving be without a Thanksgiving blog post?

Here we go:
God, Jesus Christ, and His gospel: it is why I am who I am.
Family: Loving parents that pray for me everyday, an older sister that has always looked out for me, a brother that shares the middle sibling plague and who is faithfully serving a mission, another brother who is charismatic and thinks he is so gangsta. You guys are the best famn damily ever! Thanks for the memories!
Friends: Old ones who have always been there, new ones with whom to learn and grow. Lauren, Brittany, Ashley, Katie, Mary, Matt, Adam, and Cory: Thank you for your friendship. You have all had some of the greatest impacts on my life.
The friends not listed: I feel like I meet so many interesting and inspiring people all the time. Thanks to you as well.
Science: it's just awesome.
Art: it makes life beautiful.
Dance: It makes me laugh and cry and scream and cheer, but it makes me keep me fighting and working hard.
Movies: They prevent me from completely dying from boredom.
Music: always faithful
America: I still believe in the principles for which you stand.

In reality, I'm thankful for everything. The good, the bad, the ugly. The ability to live and experience is really what matters. And I'm thankful for everything that touches my life and ultimately makes me a deeper human being.

oye vey

So much food this weekend. I feel a bit guilty considering I probably could have fed all of Africa with my feasting, but sometimes, I just can't help myself. Or maybe it's I don't want to help myself.

Fact: I can eat. Like REALLY eat. I may pretend to not be hungry or eat like a bird at times, but the truth is I am almost always hungry, and even if I am not, I can probably still make room. I come from a large extended family that loves to eat. Food is central to all of our gatherings. Also, when I was growing up, it was a really special occasion to go out to a restaurant. Our family always went to Old Country Buffet (don't judge) for every birthday. This was partly due to the fact that you could satisfy picky children that didn't have patience to wait for food to be brought to them, and it was more economic for a family of six with a limited income. I also had a mother who was an excellent cook. So from an early age, I learned how to eat a lot and how to appreciate quality, home-cooked meals. I also eat really fast, which sometimes tricks my stomach into thinking it is still hungry. In reality it is just catching up to my impatience. I also feel weird leaving food on my plate. I either have to save it for later or just finish it all right there. I can't stand just throwing food away.

Sometimes I regret having this habit, okay maybe more than sometimes--okay maybe like all the time. It's kind of embarrassing especially when someone points it out. One time a sister of a roommate said out of the blue, "wow, you are always eating."

It's a habit that I'm trying to...tweak. I think it's good having a healthy appetite and not wasting food, but the purpose of eating should be to sustain my physiologic demands--no more, no less.

It's a work in progress I guess.

In a yellow wood

Getting married sounds really foreign to me. Honestly. I know you may be thinking that deep down I'm really desperate and masking this desperation by nonchalant apathy towards the subject.

But really. When I think of me married, it just doesn't seem to fit. Love and romance just aren't my game.

I've just been thinking about this because lately it seems all of my friends have been getting married. I think when I was younger, I would fantasize about getting married because at 12 that's what you think you're supposed to expect will happen. Then you approach that age range where it can potentially happen to you, and it suddenly doesn't fit in your plan anymore. You realize more and more that maybe you are not cut out for that life pathway. Maybe there are so many things you can do without it. Maybe Robert Frost was right.


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

p.s. I don't mean for all my posts to sounds depressing. I'm actually pretty okay with life right now. I just miss my friends that disappear because of marriage. It kind of sucks being replaced, but that's life.

space

It's Tuesday night of Thanksgiving break, and I'm already bored. I don't know what to do with myself without an impending test or paper. I guess I could actually get ahead on my work. Now that would be a novel idea.

I went with a [male] friend to see Harry Potter. I guess I couldn't wait for the dollar theater. It's really nice to watch a movie with someone and not have to analyze your positioning or hand-holding signals. I was never really good at that anyway. It's nice to just be friends with people. No pressure. No miscommunication. No drama.

But as we walked through the mall afterward, (because my sister had to pick us up like we were back in junior high--the joys of being vehicle-less) he said something along the lines of how boys judge/critique other boys based on the girl with which they are accompanied. Cue overanalyzation: Are you slightly embarrassed to be walking with me because people might assume you are dating me? (and I'm definitely not a girl you would date, I know that...) The thought just crossed my mind, as these types of thoughts are wont to do. I just never want people to think I'm trying to pull something that I'm not trying to pull.

This also makes me think of the fact that people have a hard time accepting the reality of platonic relationships between males and females. I hung out with one of my best friends, Matt, all summer. However, I was questioned all summer whether we were dating or if "something was going on." People evidently trust traditional archetypes of friendship over obvious body language. If people watched our interaction, they would find nothing to suggest romantic attraction. We just have fun and joke around and have each other's backs. And I treat him the same as Adam and Cory because we are all equally good friends; they just weren't here this summer.

That was a tangent, but whatever. This is my blog.

Let it die

Sometimes I am so stressed, I want to cry.

And it's my own damn fault.

Who decided on 24 hours days?

these cucumber eyes

"And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways. I don't like it."

At least I kept it together for the time necessary.

"It's good to be in love. It really does suit you."*

*(You can look up the song by Frou Frou. The acoustic version in particular is sublimely perfect.)

A little OCD never hurt anyone...

I realize I have never written about my weird habits. Let me list a few...

--Metal. I have this strange fear of all things metal. I only use plastic utensils or wooden chopsticks whenever possible. I hate the taste of metal in my mouth. So those new eco-friendly metal water bottles? No go. If I must use a metal utensil, it is imperative that my plate or dish be plastic. I NEVER use glass and metal together, which is why restaurants drive me crazy because I am forced into this situation. Basically the sound of metal and glass drives me insane. My dad used to scratch his fork on his plate because he thought it was funny, but I would scream and storm to my room. No, that is not overreacting. I just can't help it. If people do that, I will zone out of the conversation because my mind will start screaming, and I lose focus.
--Clocks. I have certain clocks that always have to be ahead. My alarm clock, for example, is always 30 minutes fast. If someone resets it, I can't function.
--Time. I also have to get up at certain times. Even if I wake up late, I have to set an alarm to go off on a number ending in a 5 or 0. If I go running, I have to leave at a time with this same condition. This doesn't necessarily make me on time to things. I just have to start things at certain times.
--I can quote movies with precision. I hate when people butcher them, which means any slight variance in word or intonation.
--I get into habits of eating the same kinds of food with the same dishes everyday at the same time. I don't like to get out of schedule.
--I will listen to a new song of interest on repeat for hours without shame.
--I refuse to write with pen. Mechanical pencil only.
--Tin foil drives me crazy.
--I never use elevators.
--Bad grammar makes me twitch.
--I'm pathologically afraid of mayonnaise getting in my food.

Needless to say, I'm a little weird. But as readers, you probably have figured this out.

TA

So I'm not sure if this is normal...

Incident #1: I was in a review awhile ago and my TA was talking about how he graded our last test. He talked about how he started out too harshly, and then he looked at me at said that he had to go back and change mine a couple of times as his grading standards changed. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, but why he remembered only my test... I just let it go.

Incident #2: I was in another review today with this TA, and we were talking about the last test, and then he said, "yeah, Tanya I saw when you went into the testing center on your cover sheet." He was insinuating that he knows I took it in the last two hours the testing center was open on the last day the test was offered. Okay, let he who has never procrastinated a test cast the first stone. Anyway, isn't it odd that he remembers when only I took my test? Or the fact that he remembers when anyone takes his or her test at all for that matter...

Incident #3: Also in this same review we were talking about a way we could test a certain observation, and a guy gave an answer, which was slightly wrong (because you can't soak beads in transcription factors because they are intracellular proteins...nevermind). The point is I said that was wrong, but I didn't want to sound rude, so I told the kid that I knew that because I said that same thing in class and was wrong. Then the TA pipes up again, and was like, "oh yeah, I remember when you said that." Really? You remember when I said one random answer to a question the teacher asked?

???

Why is this TA a little too knowledgeable about what I do in this class? I can't judge too much because I remember weird, specific details like this about other people too. I think I've met my match in creepy memory skills.

[The only thing that bothers me is that I think that he thinks I'm stupid. This class is difficult for me, and I don't ace the tests, but I really enjoy the subject matter, and I just need to dedicate more time to really understanding every process in depth. But I'm not stupid.]

And to top it off...

Competition was okay. I should have been in a better mood. I'm just tired of being on a plateau.

Meh. That's all I have to say about my actual dancing.

It was a lot of fun watching everyone else though. I learned a lot. Stronger, faster, cleaner. That's the new goal.

On a different note, I woke up sick--like cold to the bones, aching muscles, congestion, and fatigue (thank you Amp for getting me through today).

I hate being sick and alone at college. I wish my mom was here.

It has commenced

It's dancesport. (!!!)

Then why do I feel like garbage? Maybe because I need more sleep and more talent.

We will see. We will see.

Tatiana

Dancesport is this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love it. I love everything about it. I may not be the best dancer out there, but I love the adrenaline, the hair, the make-up, the professionals, the costumes, the energy. I always come back with a resolve to be better and work harder.

Tickets are $8 if you care to stop by and see my alter ego Tatiana.

Tatiana is the Russian form of my name. Russians pretty much dominate the dance world, so that is the reason for creating this Russian persona. They are clean, sharp, fast, fierce, and passionate. When I'm in costume on the floor, I get to be someone else (or maybe just express a very hidden facet of myself...)

I just love it. Happy Dancesport!

Retraction

I recently wrote about hating married blogs. I think I was generalizing a bit too much because I don't mind most of them. People are completely entitled to writing about their ongoings even if they are not profound. Who am I to say what your blog can be about? I think I basically just hate that girl's blog who made the comment about blogs being solely for married people because that is just a moronic thing to say.

That's all.

strictly ballroom

I wish I could make my body do what my heart and mind want it to do.

Why did I not start dance when I was three like everyone else in the world seems to have done? I'm fast to learn choreography but slow to learn technique. Very slow. This always become apparent when I watch myself on video, and it looks like the day I started dancing.

I don't every think I've ever enjoyed watching myself dance. Sometimes things will look okay in the mirror, but something always happens from the mirror to the camera. All the sudden every movement is messy and ugly and depressing. I get really jealous of other people's opportunities sometimes--almost to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. I feel so helpless that I can't turn back time.

I'm just stuck. Why do I love something that I'm so terrible at?

i never liked the word anyway

I've realized that I don't really flirt with people. At least I don't think I do. I know I don't consciously do it. Honestly, I don't really know how to flirt. I've had it explained to me before, but nothing really makes sense. Touch his elbow? What? Why? I have to laugh when it's not even funny? I have to alter my body language a certain way? This doesn't make any sense!!!!

It all just seems so...unnatural. I'm not really a fan. Aren't there more efficient ways to show interest in someone?

I just like being myself and talking about real things. Is it too much to ask to want someone who gets equally excited about things ranging from epithelial mesenchymal transition to symbolism in Lord of the Flies to how Simon and Garfunkel are really better than the Beatles?

Maybe.