Why I hope I don't end up alone

If you were worried about my last blog post, don't worry! I'm alive!

I have been house-sitting with a dog and cat for the weekend. I feel like a super adult because I like to pretend that it's just me living permanently in this grown-up house. I like cleaning (what?) because every mess is mine, so I don't feel like it's a pointless endeavor.

Anyway, I feel like I have definitely gotten a glimpse at what life would be like if I was an older, single woman. This is what Sex and the City doesn't tell you. It's kind of boring living by yourself especially if you don't have 3 other single friends and a Mr. Big or some other romantic encounter to rendezvous with. I bet you they just cut out the scenes of Carrie playing Scrabble by herself or hitting up Netflix or reading everything she gets her hands on or incessantly obsessing over sudoku puzzles...because that doesn't make for a very interesting show.

Case in point: After being by myself for a night, I started talking to myself or attempting conversations with the cat. Except the conversations with the cat are involuntarily in a baby voice. I don't know why.

I'm not ashamed to say that I really want a family some day--if anything, for my mental health. I don't think that makes me anti-feminist. I definitely believe you can (and should) be happy and single, but I'll be the first to admit that relationships are a lot more enriching.

I guess the point of this post is to say, that I do enjoy being in solitude sometimes, but I would rather have it be spaced out between long periods of being with other people (or person) that I love.

That's all.

.

One thing I like about being home is that I see more children around. In Provo, there seems to be one age group: 18-25 (give or take). Yes, of course I've had people bring babies to class, but for the most part I hadn't interacted with children for a long time.

Did I ever mention that I work for a clown? Because I do. And it's awesome. I am a balloon artist and a burgeoning face painter to boot. We are slowly removing the stigma that Stephen King put on clowns years ago with his novel/movie It. (Why does it seem that every young adult was accidentally subject to that movie as a child?)

Well, this job allows me to talk to little kids again, and I forgot what a special experience that can be. They aren't worried about the debt ceiling or the stock market or social security. They still dream big and are impressed by a sword balloon. The other day I was making balloons for two 13 year-olds, and I was relieved to hear that they weren't too old to like Justin Bieber.

Being exposed to so many kids has made me so much more sensitive to the known and unknown issues in their lives. I'm not a social worker or therapist by any means, but I can pick up on things kids say that indicate things may not be going so well at home. Sometimes you can just see it. And all I can really do about it is make a balloon or talk about Power Rangers with them.

Then I find myself praying. Praying that they can always have that optimism that they have now. Praying that they can always feel loved and accepted. And praying that the world gets a little kinder, a little simpler, and a little better.

A plan! A plan! A plan!!!

I, Tanya Milburn, have been accepted into the Masters program at BYU in Physiology and Developmental Biology.

Thank you God. No, really--I know He had an influence in that decision because I was really worried about my last senoritis epic failure of a semester.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that I have a plan for the fall. I know it's not Harvard like my good friend Jarom, but it's something dammit. I literally feel 20 lbs. lighter... I may even check the scale on that one.

Dear Life,

Thank you for not completely abandoning me and giving me a second chance to rock the academic world.

Love, Tanya

holding my breath

i'm not going to freak out. i'm not going to freak out. i'm not going to freak out.

[I'm taking the GRE today and hoping it can save the fact that I had my worst. semester. ever this past winter. I'm starting to believe that senioritis and being burned out are real conditions. Or maybe I just suck at life.... I just know that I've been feeling nauseous all week, and last night I cried from all the stress. I just want my life to work out. I don't have to be rich or famous or win the Nobel prize for some extraordinary scientific discovery. I just want to be a scientist and have some small part in that world...and I want some other things too...]

hello darkness, my old friend

Sometimes I feel like Benjamin Braddock...

...except for the whole seduction thing.

prioritizing

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and where I am going in life. This is a terrible time for the Queen of Indecision (me).

BUT, here is a simple list of what is most important to me just so I don't lose my head in all this future, grown-up stuff.

1. God and Jesus Christ

2. Relationships (family, friends, etc.)

3. Knowledge/ learning/ school

4. Dance

In that order. So if I had to choose between a 2nd rate career with a family or a 1st rate career being single, I would choose the first option. Or I'd rather be single with a deep relationship with God, than have a boyfriend without God in the picture. You get the idea.

Ideally, all of these things will fall into perfect harmony. If not, I have a list to remind me. :)

In a yellow wood

Getting married sounds really foreign to me. Honestly. I know you may be thinking that deep down I'm really desperate and masking this desperation by nonchalant apathy towards the subject.

But really. When I think of me married, it just doesn't seem to fit. Love and romance just aren't my game.

I've just been thinking about this because lately it seems all of my friends have been getting married. I think when I was younger, I would fantasize about getting married because at 12 that's what you think you're supposed to expect will happen. Then you approach that age range where it can potentially happen to you, and it suddenly doesn't fit in your plan anymore. You realize more and more that maybe you are not cut out for that life pathway. Maybe there are so many things you can do without it. Maybe Robert Frost was right.


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

p.s. I don't mean for all my posts to sounds depressing. I'm actually pretty okay with life right now. I just miss my friends that disappear because of marriage. It kind of sucks being replaced, but that's life.

So many decisions...

Here's what is racing through my mind:
spanish grad school GRE PhD professor mission dance dance dance BYU east coast washington moving back home how long PA school CNA clinical experience job living rent research teaching study abroad

So many many things from which to choose...

In a nut shell, I love science, spanish, and dance.

I'm starting to lean towards staying at BYU to do graduate work. Then I could at least keep two, maybe three, of the things that I love.

The fact that I'm even leaning somewhere is a big step for me.

The Plan

It's still in the works.

But I'm kind of maybe thinking about...research instead...

This is all tentative, but I like how I feel about it.

I just need to stop being so scared.

Ellipsis

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet." ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
Please don't ask me what I want to do with my life anymore. I just might break down and cry.

Adult Tanya

Again, Katie told me I need to write down all the things I say I'll never do, so here it goes:

If and when I'm engaged, we will only have ONE photo in our announcement, and we will be looking straight on at the camera. No awkward engagement poses; no weird photoshop or retouching; no snogging; no excessive photo collages, and no overly match-iness.

If and when I have a child, it will not take over my facebook. I will not have more photos of my baby than myself. I will not post multiple photos of the same exact thing. I will not have every status be about me and my pregnancy or every detailed action of my newborn.

That's all.

Mark My Words (katie)

Depending on how well you know me, you might know that I've never been "in a relationship." (whatever that phrase even means because technically I have a lot of "relationships" with people and who kidnapped the word into only letting it signify certain kinds...okay getting didactic and off-topic.) Anyway, I always tell Katie things I wouldn't do when I actually get one (as if it were the next iphone or something...ha). She told me to write it down, so that she can prove me wrong, but she doesn't know that I'M NEVER WRONG.

Things I will never do when in a relationship:
--Use a baby voice
--Use ridiculous pet names
--Time suck the living room (This is when you hang out and cuddle/have tender moments in the public area of your apartment so that everyone else feels awkward coming in and are forced to stay in their rooms.)
--Abandon all my other friends
--Become dependent

That's all for now.

I'm kind of in a cynical mood right now.

life or something like it

I know I haven't been doing the college thing for very long, but since my status is "junior" technically, I start to get excited and want to be done reallllly soon. I'm trying to figure out how things are going to work out for the next couple semesters and it's a lot tougher than I thought. Maybe I'll be here awhile. I really hope I picked the right major. I kind of have to go to grad school now, which isn't a bad thing....I just get scared I won't get in and then what? All I really want to do is work in women's health as a physician's assistant. I just think women's bodies are so amazing (no offense to the males), and I would always be happy in that career. Then come the what ifs. What if I don't get into a school? What if I can't afford it? What if I need A LOT more work hours and end up working for a couple years before getting in? Then what if I don't want to go to school anymore? I don't even want to get into the marriage dilemma because based on a statistical analysis of previous dating experiences and the fact that I'm a "radical" vegan combined with the extremely low number of males that have an open mind and can hold a stimulating conversation and other such variables--now I'm no statitician--but odds are I'm going to be a cat lady or a nun. I guess I've got options. Well maybe I should just sleep on things tonight.

Life is still beautiful.

And physics is the spawn of satan. I don't know why they allow it at BYU.