You've changed.

One time I was walking in Provo, and that was written on the sidewalk: "You've changed."  I'm still deciding what that means for me. I feel like I've changed a lot, and I feel like I've always been me.  Maybe I believe the general core of who we are stays the same, but the way that gets expressed changes.

I will dispense some of those changes now. 

Religiosity and spirituality have always been a large part of my identity. I've also always been very observant, empathetic, and intellectual. These all used to live in harmony; I used to display those qualities through the lens of my religion. Over the last year or so, that lens started to break down, and some of the parts of my identity were at odds with one another. Slowly I started observing patterns and policies in my church organization that were not so faith-promoting, and I felt my intellect was betraying me when the reasoning for my religious belief started to not add up. And I felt surges of empathy for people who were in pain because of a religion that I loved. 

Needless to say, it's been a tough year.

[Warning: Unavoidable mentioning of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" in all it's banal glory.]

I really love "The Road Not Taken" in a very 8th grader-y way. But I remember a line later in the poem where he tells himself that he will leave the first path for another day (because totes obvs he was experiencing serious FOMO), but he says, "Yet knowing how way leads on to way/ I doubted if I should ever come back." 

And I totally get it. There are some things that you just can turn back on or unlearn or un-see or believe the way you used to.

This has all been very broad, so let's get into some specifics.

I find absolute truth claims and ultimate appeals to authority to be problematic. This means, while I love the LDS church, I don't believe it is the only way to God and that we don't have any special communication with Him that others don't. When I let go of those things, it made it a lot easier and harder to be Mormon.  Not everyone believes in Progressive or Big-Tent Mormonism, but I do. I believe there is room for everyone at the table. And a person can use Mormonism in whatever way will help them be their highest self. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Some people condescendingly call this "picking and choosing," but I see it as living authentically. 

Live your truth and live your peace.  This is a very difficult thing to do.