tarde

Sometimes I want to communicate everything.

But I wonder:

Is it sometimes too late? Even if you have a million things you can say, should you say them? Maybe all your dwelling with only come out as desperation?

Are some things better left unsaid?

peeved

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy.

Paperwork sucks. So does waiting and wasting money.

wrench

Sometimes you feel so good about a choice, and you think everything will fall into place, and then you check to make sure, and you find out that one choice might jeopardize the other choice. And here you were thinking you could have your cake and eat it too.

Dear Life,

Please please please work out. I'm trying to have a little faith here.

Love, Tanya

funk

Just watch me single handedly destroy one of the best things going in my life right now.

Just watch.

Once a freak-outer, always a freak-outer.

I feel it all

"I don't know what I knew before."

Love me some Feist.

But seriously...

haha

I wish I knew who really read this thing because I'm guessing it's slightly more than those sixteen squares in the corner.

Sometimes I'm weary of what I post, but if I really have to get something off my chest, that's what my journal is for!

Suffice it to say, I hate when all my cards are on the table. I feel like a beginner without the luck. Meh, I was never good at poker anyway.

Cheers to the girl who puts all her eggs in one basket!

note to self

Dear Tanya,

Stop being such a stupid girl.

Love,

The left side of your brain

what if what if what if

I hate a missed opportunity.

I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing like I always do.

But if I had only waited...

seems like I'm always...

Sometimes I'm just too easy.

these cucumber eyes

"And all of my clothes feel like somebody's old throwaways. I don't like it."

At least I kept it together for the time necessary.

"It's good to be in love. It really does suit you."*

*(You can look up the song by Frou Frou. The acoustic version in particular is sublimely perfect.)

"Sigmund Freud...analyze this"

"vuelve y revuelve amor mi pensamiento,

hiere y enciende el alma temerosa,

y en llanto y en ceniza me deshago."

Amen.

Be Okay

I think I'll be okay.

It's not the end of the world.

I just need a distraction or something.

School perhaps?

Crazy

Thanks for understanding Patsy Cline.

Nicest thing

You know what I love? Irony.

You know what I love even more? How my life is so predictable sometimes.

Shame on me for expecting differently.

[untitled]

I don't think you even know.

maybe

Maybe I won't say anything.

Maybe I'll listen to Adam.

Maybe it's all in my head.

Maybe it's the truth.

Maybe I'll figure something out.

Maybe I'll stop being pathetic.

Maybe I'll wait.

Maybe I'll be bold.

Maybe I won't say anything.

See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other

That comes from one of my favorite movies.

Anyway, one of my favorite websites is Postsecret.com. I don't know the history, but somehow this guy named Frank has all these people send him their secrets and he posts them once a week as an ongoing art project. I deeply love this art project. It is real and vulnerable and raw and emotive. Even if the secret has never personally happened to me, I can always connect to the fact of holding on to something so long and letting it weigh you down. I know that feeling of holding something precious in your mind and building walls around it and chaining it up and burying it deep so that it is never discovered. Post secret shows how amongst our differences, at the heart of things we are similar--not robot clone similar--but like everything fits like puzzle pieces to produce a picture of true humanity. We often ignore the fact that we all feel scared; we all feel vulnerable; we all feel guilty; we all want to hide something and show the world something else. Let's be honest. No one is an open book. That's not pessimistic; it's just honest. I think almost everybody has a front they put on. Everyone is weird (for lack of a better word), but we all buffer the weirdness, so that other people restraining their weirdness will like us. Why don't we just be ourselves? Why don't we just say what we mean and mean what we say? Why do we tip-toe around words like "love" and "commitment?" Why do we even have secrets? Why do we need approval from others? I think most people are simply scared--scared out of their minds. Fear of being alone is one of the most prominent on people's mind. We are afraid to get rejected and emotionally stranded on an island. We want human connection so desperately, but we all act like we are Okay, Fine, Good. We are invinsible. We are taught not to need. But there comes a time when we have to be honest with ourselves and say "Life's a fact." We can understand each other if we just communicate and throw our thoughts out there. I try to be as real as I can, but I'm not going to pretend that everything is peachy in my life all the time and I have no regrets and that I always live everyday to the fullest and don't care what others think about me and so forth. Because it's not entirely true.

I had more to say, but it's late and I think I'm starting to ramble...