Off Day

...not to be confused with "day off," which would be so lovely.

No, an off day is just when everything is broken. It started with my private lesson today with Brent, my intimidating coach. He's great; he really is. He definitely knows how to critique. I can talk to him like a normal person now, but deep down he still scares the hell out of me. I just hate the look on his face as he watches our routines. I just know it is not even near his standard of good dancing. Everything I did just...didn't work. It was messy and unbalanced and lacking control. Sometimes I feel that there's so much to fix that Brent just probably feels overwhelmed with everything to correct. And everything that I do need to fix would probably not be ready by next week's lesson. Things like balance, control, speed, etc. are so frustrating to work on because it takes so long to see improvement.

This was only at 7 a.m. Then I had team, and I was off again with everything. I have a duet with another couple, but I always worry that Brent has regretted his decision to put me in that spot. And I hate the possibility of that feeling.

Then I was lost in Dev. Biology, thought I was on in Spanish, but took a quiz and apparently wasn't. I was really frustrated because I actually read the play, but I didn't fully understand what he was asking on the quiz due to my faulty Spanish skills. I botched the whole thing, and I hate that my professor thinks that I probably just slacked off.

I couldn't focus in Repro. Phys. even though I love the subject.

I found some serenity in the lab...except the PC-12 cells are frustrating and not surviving.

Gold II Standard...meh. Sometimes I wish I would just get it. I feel like I look the same way dancing as when I first started. I wish I had better habits about my head placement and the use of my latissimus dorsi muscles (anatomy what?) and my knees, knees, knees. We rotate partners, and when I don't have a partner, I'll sometimes dance with the TA because he really knows what he is doing. It helps me a lot, but I fear that he feels annoyed having to dance with me because of my lack of ability.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. That's what I have to say about today.