So many decisions...

Here's what is racing through my mind:
spanish grad school GRE PhD professor mission dance dance dance BYU east coast washington moving back home how long PA school CNA clinical experience job living rent research teaching study abroad

So many many things from which to choose...

In a nut shell, I love science, spanish, and dance.

I'm starting to lean towards staying at BYU to do graduate work. Then I could at least keep two, maybe three, of the things that I love.

The fact that I'm even leaning somewhere is a big step for me.

one by one

People from the past keep popping up.

All, but one I guess.

Maybe, maybe...

what the...?

Crazy dream/nightmare last night:

It was kind of a conglomeration of a couple things. First, I was bombarded with all these grotesque images of the work of a serial killer who happened to be Cary Elwes...? (He just seems kind of creepy I guess.) I'll spare the details, but it was really freaky.

Then I was at a party and a girl dove off a balcony towards a pool, but missed and smashed her face on the concrete. I was screaming for people to help her, but everyone was clueless. So I just kept screaming.

Then I woke up. I couldn't go back to sleep because I had a ton of adrenaline running through my body, all of my muscles were really tense, and I was freaking out.

Now I'm exhausted.

The Plan

It's still in the works.

But I'm kind of maybe thinking about...research instead...

This is all tentative, but I like how I feel about it.

I just need to stop being so scared.

Freudian

I once had an English teacher who said you could take a sexual angle from almost any piece of literature. (Kids loved that one in high school.)

Anyway, I was sitting in my Spanish Lit class and we were discussing the autobiography of Santa Teresa de Jesus. This is the same Teresa of Bernini's The Ecstacy of St. Teresa. She accounts her experience of seeing Jesus Christ as well as other angels in a vision. Her account is very sensationalized and descriptive, and as I sat there listening to the way she described her experience, I thought, "wow, this almost has, dare I say, a sexual overtone to it." I wanted to say something, but because Spanish is my second language, I feared I would be misunderstood or be waaaaay off base since this was after all a religious subject matter.

But then my professor brought up this same observation, and the irony of such a situation.

Vindication.

Unchanging

I find myself tangled in the same situation. Always on both sides.

And each one is no better than the other. The perpetrator and the victim. The rejector and the rejected. The lonely by choice and by circumstance. One is numbing, and the other hurts like hell.

Please give me a third dimension.

The Ortho Curse

One time I was talking to my friend about dating, relationships, kissing etc. (Mind you, he is French, so of course he seems like a bonafide expert on all things of this topic as much as I hate cliches...) He told me of an experience when he felt pressured to kiss a girl.

Me: "How is that so? Don't you just do what you want?"
Him: "Well she gave me that look."
Me: "Wait, what is that look?"
Him: "You know, when they look from your eyes to your lips, to your eyes to your lips..."

Oh.

Well that presents a problem because I am borderline obsessed with mouths and teeth. I had orthodontic appliances in my mouth for five whole years in the impressionable days of my youth. But in the end it's worth it because I probably get more compliments on my teeth than anything else. (Thanks Mom and Dad!) Because of my long orthodontic journey, I look at everyone's teeth--not in a judging way--just an observant way. It's what I remember most about you, and I can remember everyone's teeth.

Apparently according to the French expert (and other experienced people in this field), looking at a person's mouth a lot is a sign that you want to kiss him or her. But really, I'm just checking out your teeth, and then reminding myself that I need to make eye contact instead. That's all.

If I want to kiss you, you'll know I want to kiss you.

"Sigmund Freud...analyze this"

"vuelve y revuelve amor mi pensamiento,

hiere y enciende el alma temerosa,

y en llanto y en ceniza me deshago."

Amen.

Epidemic

Everyone seems to be getting engaged lately. This is not really new to a lot of people. It seems though, that the number of engagements is more concentrated because everyone is trying to get married by December, the natural break in semesters. Whereas, even though a lot of people get married in the summer, at least it is spread out over 4 months or so. You always get that last spike around June while everyone is trying to squeeze in a wedding by August.

It's interesting; it's quirky; it's cliche; it's just how it is here.

But to be honest, I feel a twinge of jealousy whenever I see that facebook heart on my news feed announcing the good news. It's not that I need to get married right this instant, but sometimes this whole dating game gets weary after awhile. It would be really nice if things could work out one day like they seem to for everyone else.

Toms

So there is this brand of shoes called Toms. They are basically these plain, canvas, hipster-looking shoes that go for about $50 dollars. But here's the catch: for every pair of shoes they sell, they give a pair to a child in need.

That's a nice vision; it really is. But $50 dollars for a pair of shoes that probably cost a dollar to produce? I feel like you could donate a lot more shoes than just one for one with all of the extra profit.

I would propose two options: 1.) Lower the price or 2.) Raise the ratio of shoes given per shoes bought.

Just a thought. I'm trying not to be too cynical because at least they are doing something.

Olfaction

Yes, I love smells like cologne (in moderation), laundry, desserts of various kinds, curry, Christmas trees, girly lotions, coffee...these are fairly normal.

These are the not so normal:
-cigarette smoke from a distance
-gasoline
-sharpie
-pine sol
-marijuana
-chlorine pools
-bleach
-fake tan
-nail glue
-windex/hair salons (probably because of the ammonia)
-ethanol
-baby shampoo

Ping

There is this concept called "the ping." This idea was coined by my friend Matt H. and his roommate...I think. All I know is it's not my original idea, and I'm just trying to give credit where credit is due.

The term uses a radar as its inspiration. When you send out a radar signal it makes a "ping" sound as it hits objects, and one can choose to send a similar signal back. (At least that is how I understand it in very basic terms...) So, "pinging" or to receive a "ping" refers to the insignificant nothings that people send via text, facebook, twitter, etc. These small comments are a tentative way of feeling out a person's interest. They are supposed to seem detached and casual, but really, we all probably get a little excited when those nothings are returned back to us in the similar communicative form.

This is basically how Generation Y members test the waters. You send out a "ping," hope for one back, do that little dance for awhile, and then (hopefully) move on to a more substantial form of communication. I guess our generation is a little less gutsy when it comes to first stages of budding relationships. I haven't decided if this is a smart solution or not. "Pings" are a nice way to make sure you're not investing too much or jumping too fast, but at the same time they confuse people. Not every text or facebook comment I send is a subliminal message that I want you. I guess some are just more obvious than others. People wait longer and longer to put themselves out there, and it really just wastes time.

Basically I hate meaningless tasks that are socially required for some reason or another.

KT

I had a lovely chat with Katie today. We figured out some things about ourselves.

We hate pressure.
We like friends.

But how much time is time enough? Well, that still remains the question of the universe.

Up the spout

I had the weirdest dream ever last night:

I was pregnant, and I finally went through the shameful process of having to tell everyone. (I don't really know how I got pregnant exactly though. Well, I know, but I didn't have recollection of the event.) I just know I was really embarrassed to tell everyone. Then I went to the doctor for some weirdness going on, and he informed me that I wasn't pregnant anymore. It had just disappeared or something. Then I was so mad that I had already told everyone for no reason and would have to deal with that stigma forever.

That's all. Remember this was purely a DREAM. I always have random scenario dreams like this. I have no idea where they come from.

Possible interpretations?

Timeless

Sometimes I think the concept of timing is overrated. Is there really a wrong or right time to do anything? I think it mostly just creates missed opportunities by being overly cautious about this arbitrary time business.

My motto from here on out: The right time is now.

Edit

In reference to my other post, the only type of unavailable man I haven't liked is a boyfriend of a friend.

Because I'm no homewrecker.

Just wanted to make that clear.

Haha

I just came across this quote:

"Every living woman likes wedding crap. Even lesbians."

That's probably true deep down. But I can't speak for everyone...

Pathological

When I was 14, I liked this boy, Aaron*. I would always see him at stake dances, and I always looked forward to my one dance with him every time without fail. I also had this nemesis, *Ashley, who I could also tell was interested in him. Eventually I could tell they were dating (in a 14 year-old sense), and this reality became apparent when he dedicated a song to her at one of the dances. Imagine the crushing heartbreak I felt. [Everything is sooooo important at 14.]

That was in January. By the following summer, I was actually really good friends with Ashley and her friends, and I realized they weren't the stuck-up girls that I thought they were. Ashley and Aaron had gone their separate ways like most short-lived teenage romances, and for a second I thought, "well here is my chance." Nothing was in the way anymore, no more love triangles, or awkward in-between-stages. One day he drove down to see me or hang out or something. As I saw his car driving down, it just hit me. I didn't like him anymore. This boy that I had been crushing over for months, with whom I finally had a wide-open opportunity, now meant nothing to me. It was literally like a light-switch. And so, nothing ever came of that.

*Names have been changed. (And if Aaron or Ashley recognizes themselves in this story, please know it was all in good fun. I was just trying to mimic the dramatization of my 14 year-old self.)

The reason for this story is to show a very pathological problem that I have. I don't think I ever like men who are actually available. I tend to choose men who are very unavailable. Men who don't have feelings for me, men who I have just been friends with, gay men, married men, men with girlfriends, men who don't agree with my religious beliefs, men who live far away, and so on. And even if someone seems available, and I think this chain is broken, my sixth sense will know that they will soon become unavailable. It has never failed me yet.

This isn't supposed to be cynical or melancholic. It's just a weird thing I noticed about myself. Hopefully it doesn't last forever. One day, everything will work out.

That's just the way it is

Today in dance team practice, my coach started to choreograph, and he wanted to put in a small lift in our routine. He scanned our group looking for people to put in and said, "okay, I need skinny girls."



Dang it.



At least he was honest.

15 albums

I got this idea from Annie when it showed up on my facebook news feed. I just want to give credit where credit is due, and I wanted to note that we have similar taste in music because I don't want to be creepy copycat.

Basically the deal is that you write down 15 albums that have stuck with you....

1.) Simon & Garfunkel's Greatest Hits
2.) (500) Days of Summer soundtrack
3.) Pink Floyd--any album (music of my childhood)
4.) Moody Blues-Greatest Hits (also music of my childhood)
5.) Journey--Greatest Hits (again, music of my childhood)
6.) CD #1 & #2--Mixes made by Lauren Hancock (music of my adolescence)
7.) The Reminder--Feist (or Let it Die)
8.) crazysexycool--TLC (don't judge...)
9.) Grand National or April Uprising--John Butler Trio
10.) Patsy Cline-Greatest Hits
11.) Third Eye Blind-Third Eye Blind
12.) Siamese Dream-Smashing Pumpkins
13.) Crash-Dave Matthews Band
14.) This Desert Life-Counting Crows (mostly for the song Colorblind)
15.) O-Damien Rice

This was a little hard since I am more of a song person than a whole album person. 1-11, I've probably listened to and become familiar with the whole album. After that, it's more about individual songs I think. This does not make them less favorable by any means, (because Crash is my ABSOLUTE favorite song in the world), it just means that I haven't been as thorough in my interest yet.

Plus, I feel like I am leaving out so many other artists that I've come across and really like...

Things fall apart

It's really weird.
But they do.
A lot.

The world is in need of some heavy-duty glue.

You are the only exception

I just love his work. And him.

Normally, I'm not one for celebrity crushes, but I'm willing to compromise this rule for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He just seems so not a celebrity--in a good way. He seems so adorable and down-to-earth in his interviews and commentaries. He's not a sell-out. And because he is very methodical about his film choices, he has gotten some quality roles lately. I feel like he loves acting for acting's sake.

He's practically a normal person, right?

Homeward Bound

So I survived the all-night drive back home to Washington. I pretty much drove the whole way because I'm pro like that. I downed a Rockstar or two and overdosed on sugar. Yep, that will do it. My heart felt like it was going to explode, and I was so wired that I think I didn't blink for like 5 minutes at a time. Caffeine in large quantities makes me really nauseous, so that combined with all the sugar, made me want to vomit out the window, but I kept it together. Although, I couldn't walk straight when I got out of the car because I was so dizzy.

So on the agenda for the next couple days:
-Be a bridesmaid
-Pull off another reception
-Watch a bunch of Tosh.0 episodes with Todd
-Watch (500) Days of Summer with my mom
-Go to a high school football game to catch a few familiar faces
-Eat real food
-Just be with the fam-dam

All Apologies

Dear World,

Sorry if I have been a bit (or maybe more than a bit) petulant lately. Unrequited like can really destroy your serotonin levels.

I promise to be better.

Love, Tanya

Pet Peeve #284

Spell your kid's name the normal way!

I'm all about originality and being a little unconventional with choosing a name, but if you're going to give your kid a name that is already popular/over-used, don't try to convince us that you are hip and unique because you insert/replace a few letters. All it does for the child is give him or her the blessing of having to deal with everybody misspelling his name for his whole life.

Just saying...

Be Okay

I think I'll be okay.

It's not the end of the world.

I just need a distraction or something.

School perhaps?