Pathological

When I was 14, I liked this boy, Aaron*. I would always see him at stake dances, and I always looked forward to my one dance with him every time without fail. I also had this nemesis, *Ashley, who I could also tell was interested in him. Eventually I could tell they were dating (in a 14 year-old sense), and this reality became apparent when he dedicated a song to her at one of the dances. Imagine the crushing heartbreak I felt. [Everything is sooooo important at 14.]

That was in January. By the following summer, I was actually really good friends with Ashley and her friends, and I realized they weren't the stuck-up girls that I thought they were. Ashley and Aaron had gone their separate ways like most short-lived teenage romances, and for a second I thought, "well here is my chance." Nothing was in the way anymore, no more love triangles, or awkward in-between-stages. One day he drove down to see me or hang out or something. As I saw his car driving down, it just hit me. I didn't like him anymore. This boy that I had been crushing over for months, with whom I finally had a wide-open opportunity, now meant nothing to me. It was literally like a light-switch. And so, nothing ever came of that.

*Names have been changed. (And if Aaron or Ashley recognizes themselves in this story, please know it was all in good fun. I was just trying to mimic the dramatization of my 14 year-old self.)

The reason for this story is to show a very pathological problem that I have. I don't think I ever like men who are actually available. I tend to choose men who are very unavailable. Men who don't have feelings for me, men who I have just been friends with, gay men, married men, men with girlfriends, men who don't agree with my religious beliefs, men who live far away, and so on. And even if someone seems available, and I think this chain is broken, my sixth sense will know that they will soon become unavailable. It has never failed me yet.

This isn't supposed to be cynical or melancholic. It's just a weird thing I noticed about myself. Hopefully it doesn't last forever. One day, everything will work out.