Today

Today I am going to change.

It's going to be really hard.
People may not understand.
I might not want to always talk about it.
There are people who may never know my road in life.
I'm going to struggle.
I'm going to probably fail a few times.
I'm going to find dedication.
I'm going to find strength.
I'm not going to be someone new.
Rather, I'm going to be who I've always been inside--the person God wants me to be.
I just have to be true to that.

Today I'm going to change.

Boys

Yes, sometimes they are obnoxious or immature or confusing.

But they give you straight answers; they don't play games (the good ones don't at least); they're honest to your face even if it risks hurting your feelings; they have a different perspective...

And they make some of the best friends.

Dear Matt & Adam,

I love you guys! I don't know what I'd do without you!

Vomit

That's how I've felt for the passed couple of days: nauxious (or is it nauseated...?)

No, I'm not pregnant. Ha.

But I don't really want to elaborate. Well, I probably will in my real journal. But yeah, I should get back to homework.

quelqu'un m'a dit...

Sometimes over-analyzing isn't that bad because sometimes you are actually right.

I'm just a dumb girl.

I should have listened to myself.

Adam was right.

Zebra.

haven't had a dream in a long time...

"so for once in my life, let me get what I want. Lord knows, it would be the first time."

I'm understanding more and more want Steven Morrisey meant when he wrote this song.

Anyway, so I realize when I actually have a life and do stuff, I blog less and less. Counterintuitive?

Needless to say, it was a good weekend. That's all I'll say about that.

On a negative point, I have been waking up in anxiety for the past three days. I just wish I could figure this all out.

I love ambiguity.

Can't you hear me S.O.S?

I'm drowning in biochemistry and it's only the beginning!!!!

Somebody! Help! Please! What does this all mean???

we'll crucify the insincere tonight

I love postsecret.com (warning: sometimes people send in secrets with objectionable topics or images.)

Anyway, yesterday I told someone all the secrets I've ever had. It was scary and liberating at the same time. The point of postsecret is to show people that we all have human connections beneath our secrets. Letting out our secrets frees us from the walls we build around ourselves. We're too afraid to find out that someone might find out who we really are. Or we let these deep dark secrets define us and bring us down until we realize that we are more than just our flaws and insecurities and bad decisions.

That's what I learned last night.

it's only awkward if you make it awkward

Nope. That's not true. Sometimes it's just awkward.

So, on Saturday I went for a run. Then I came back for a shower and since my roommates were gone, I decided to play my music really loud in the shower to sing along to because, you know, the acoustics in the bathroom are just amazing. Anyway, I'm singing with female powerhouses like Aretha or Patsy Cline for like 30 minutes. I got out of the shower expecting to be alone still, but instead see a group of people I don't know looking around my apartment. My apartment is right by the manager's office, and when people want to see an apartment, she just shows them mine. If no one is home, she just let's them in. They were unexpected to say the least.

That's life I guess.

what is this newfound feeling?

Oh yeah, it's not the typical Sunday night anxiety that hits when I review the weekend and all the homework that I didn't do. It's the freedom from the regretful early morning dread that I know is awaiting me.

I just love three-day weekends.

I would rather have Mondays off than Fridays. I like the this feeling on a Sunday night knowing that I can postpone the world for one more day.

Thank you Martin Luther King Jr.

P.S. Is it really called Human Rights Day now?

To: the audience that is probably not there

I wish I could embellish my blog a bit. Any blog-savvy people out there??

let that be enough

i feel like screaming in the middle of nowhere sometimes.

but i'm trapped here.

Wednesdays

I've hated Wednesdays ever since 8th grade when my church reorganized boundries and Brittany and I were no longer in the same ward with Dylan. That made Wednesday youth nights a whole lot more fun. Once it was over, Wednesday went back to being the "I-can't-believe-it's-only-the-middle-of-the-week" day. Age 14 was my only girly crush phase. I was pretty ridiculous and my family and friends let me know, but nothing they said could convince me. Don't worry though, I grew out of it soon in my own time. I always do things in my own time. I had one more slightly less immature crush on another boy, but ever since then (age 15), I've never had a legitimate crush on anyone that lasted more than a week. Yeah I've definitely met people that I'd love to get to know, but I don't waste time on things that are unlikely to happen. I learned that at the ripe old age of 15 when my heart was crushed by unsaid crush. Tragic, yes, but I moved on. Now I never hang out with anyone long enough to develop feelings for them. It's just a waste of energy, and I often feel like Tom in 500 Days of Summer in the Reality vs. Expectations scene. Everytime I work things up in my mind, make little things mean big things, hold on to the slightest inklings of anything, and it always does...well, nothing because it was nothing in the first place. Err go: I always feel awkward in girl talk because I'm severely lacking in experience to contribute.

Meh. That's life.

numbers

i don't think that profile viewer counter is very correct. It doesn't count when I look at my blog, and at one point it used to, and over the past two weeks it will jump ten, then nothing, jump ten, then nothing.

don't worry. my worth is not invested in my profile views, but it is just interesting if anyone out there is really reading my cyber thoughts.

i like a lot of movies with the word sunshine in them...

little miss sunshine, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and now...

sunshine cleaning.

This movie was interesting. It provided a sort of euphemistic background to what the movie was really about: cleaning up crime scenes or places of death. I liked the depth of the two main characters. It may have been slow at times, but I think it was a small look and people's seemingly insignificant lives. I don't know. I liked it.

that's all.

Now I have to write a bloody sonnet. blahhhh

the world forgetting by the world forgot

Love love l o v e Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

I guess I'm just a fan of quirky, thought-provoking movies about off-beat relationships. Sensing a pattern anyone?

Eternal Sunshine though is quite different than 500 days of Summer in its stylistic approach and character development. The agenda is also completely different. It's so weird how a similar archetype can be developed into something extraordinarily unique.

This movie has been haunting me all day. If you could erase the painful memories, the sour relationships, the regrets, the rash words...would you? Does this make our lives fundamentally better to forget all the bad?

The irony is in the title, which is a quote from Alexander Pope. Forgetfulness does not produce eternal sunshine. Ignorance is not bliss. It's more like a dreary day. You're stuck in limbo between the warmth and happiness of the summer sun and the crisp, sometimes unbearable cold of the winter months. Yet in their juxtaposition, they complete each other. Moderate temperature is the most loathed of all. It masquerades as a means to an end. It gives the promise of the tipping scale, but it really just leaves you longing. Longing for something more than dull and mediocre. Getting rid of the bad inherently pulls the good with it and you're left in the middle of the road with nowhere to go.

Before I drown in the philosophical deep end, see the movie. It's lovely.

Like a fat kid loves cake

Apparently I'm a fatso. (I haven't used that term since like fourth grade.)

Dear you and you and probably you,

I'm sorry. I'm trying. I really am. You're probably right, but don't worry, I get enough critique from that girl in the mirror.

Yours truly,
Tanya

preserve your memories; they're all that's left you...

Bookends seems to be a theme song in my life right now. I feel like I'm in the middle of a change. Old friends are leaving me, and I'm struggling to find replacements. I'm haunted by my mistakes of the past and nostalgic for the times that were simple and happy.

Lately I've just been...lonely. I might as well be good at school then.

I nominate young Werther here.

Okay, here is another post on 500 Days of Summer. I was on imdb.com, and there seems to be all these haters for the movie. So here is why I unabashedly love this movie:
-I like when film makers make a film. They include foreshadowing and symbolism. You can tell when a movie is just there for cash revenue. This is why I find value in a lot of indie flicks. (No, it's not because I want to be an artsy cliche.) Independent films still have some value--a message, a theme, a story... They make movies for movie's sake. I love movies, and I'm not ashamed. Film can be an art, but like most art forms (music, literature, painting, dance), it can be manipulated, down graded, and sold cheaply to the masses. This is contradictory toward the true purpose of art, which I believe is to express being. This involves everything associated with being human: emotion, action, reaction, conflict, politics, events, etc., etc., etc. Before I get didactic and off-topic, suffice it to say, I think 500 Days of Summer is a work of art with the best of intentions.
-The cinematography is beautiful and deliberate. I respect the fact that they paid homage to a city that usually gets trashed. Los Angeles has never been my destination of choice, but this movie changed my mind, and gave me a glimpse at the older, vintage, Hollywood-void LA. I started to appreciate architecture (something I knew nothing about) because of Tom, and the movie supported his love. I admire that the writers stood up for their city, and showed us why.
- The soundtrack is perfect.
-The blue scheme is unique. I admire the dedication they devoted to it.
-Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Zooey Deschanel were so natural in their roles. JGL mastered a wide array of emotion he was supposed to portray on the various days. I got choked up in just the way he looks at her at the end. No words were even necessary. I think he's very underated as an actor. ZD is very comfortable in her skin. She's quirky, but there is something about her that makes you understand that "Summer Effect."
-The expectations vs. reality scene was simply brilliant. It was executed flawlessly without too much confusion, and probably rings true with every person sometime in his/her life.
-I like the disorderly way the narrative was set. I feel that's how relationships often are when remembering back. You get snippets of good and bad. Memories mesh together. Time becomes irrelevant. This movie juxtaposed emotions sometimes delicately and sometimes starkly. Relationships bring out the full spectrum of human emotion.
-This wasn't an attack on women. It would be easy to say "women are just a ruthless and barbaric species who are out to crip-stomp every man's heart." The movie was not out to frame Summer. No one was the bad guy. Sometimes people don't feel the same way about each other. Sometimes people have walls that need to be broken down. Sometimes people remain blind to the negative in a relationship. Sometimes we do get our hearts broken, and no one is at fault. Sometimes life just happens.
-It's optimistic--not cynical, which is very refreshing.
-It's funny and cheerful mixed with serious, which is a hard balance to create. Thoroughly great writing by Marc Weber and Scott Neustadter.

To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die...

I feel proud that I liked the Smiths before (500) Days of Summer came out. Just saying...

If you haven't seen that movie yet, go see it!!!

I just love it. The soundtrack is phenomenal. Regina Spektor, Feist, Simon & Garfunkel...

I really can't get enough of the movie. It's brilliant. I want to watch it everyday.

I wish there were more Toms out there.

erase and rewind because I'm changing my mind

I love The Cardigans...just saying.

So 2009...

The good: I met some of my best friends Claire, Matt, and Adam.
I realized Mary was one of my soulmates.
I saw Yulia Zagorynchenko in the flesh.
I finally visited the other Washington (D.C.).
I took Human Dissection.
I discovered Nirvana and some other great artists.
I made a dance team.
(500) Days of Summer was created.
I found a place to live.
I got back in touch with Lauren.
Scott came down to BYU.
I learned a few things on the guitar.

The bad: My grandma passed away.
I practically failed o-chem in my eyes.
I lost a lot of drive for school after that.
I wasted money.
I wasn't able to live with Ashley or Katie anymore.
My sister was not here at college with me.
I lost sight of who I was.

The ugly: I got out of my running habit, and it shows...majorly.
I'm still a nail-biter.
Much of the year I felt...lost.

2009, you had your moments and changed my life for the better in a few ways, but I'm glad you're gone. It was almost too difficult to bear you at times.

worth it?

I'm not in any gold II classes this semester. Yeah, I can make excuses like "it's a Blackpool year, so there are no gold bar classes and less space and blah blah blah.." But the truth of the matter is that I'm really just not that good. I also can't bump down to gold I because I have classes at those times. (If I wanted to mess around my whole schedule, I could p o s s i b i l y make gold I standard work...if they would let me.) Will anyone notice if I don't take a technique class? I don't know why I go to all the effort to do this. It's certainly not my calling in life. I guess I was hoping to get good enough to possibly help out at Pacific Ballroom one day. They gave me so much...I just wanted to give back something. Should I just drop dance all together? It hurts to ask that, but I might have to be done... I have a major and a minor that are completely unrelated to dance, and I should get a job. Oh the practicality of it all!

Sometimes I just wait to have decisions made for me because I'm too scared of doing the wrong thing.

2010...so weird

Well, here it is--another year, another decade.

It's late, so I'll ramble about my thoughts on that subject later.

The break went by fast. Too fast. I did, however, finish all ten seasons of Law & Order: SVU. That's embarrassing, I know, so don't do the math to calculate how many hows of my life I wasted away. What is even more pathetic is that I only watched the whole ten seasons to gather every bit of evidence of Olivia and Elliot's more-than-partners relationship, which is open to extreme interpretation. Nothing every happens, and I knew that from the beginning. (And I don't condone adultery. Somehow I think one day Elliot's family will disappear or he'll get another divorce or something and things will just work out--even though it is not in the show's best interest.) I also have this OCD thing where I have to finish what I start. Once I started at the beginning, I had to watch all ten seasons as fast as possible to get it all done. This is why I procrastinate papers, tests, etc. I like getting things done all at once. I want results now. I want to be done now. I want to change now. I want to get this over with now. I wanted to have all the SVU knowledge now. This is also why I am a terrible goal setter, and an even more terrible goal achiever. I'm impatient with the process. It's why I can never be an artist as much as I would like to be. I never had the brain for it, and it takes so much time and energy and thought and patience. This is also why I am prone to buying Kashi or Amy's Kitchen frozen dinners. Dinner in 3 minutes? I'm taken.

Sometimes I think I need to get out of the left lane, and just go the speed limit awhile.