this is not supposed to be bragging

On more than one occasion, I have been told that if I were to have a doppelganger, I kind of look like Hilary Swank. Or sometimes it is brought up just out of the blue without mention of said doppelgangers. I don't care one way or the other whether this observation has any merit...

except--

when people say Hilary Swank is ugly/unattractive.

Then I feel self-conscious.

monday

The one time when Mondays don't suck are when you get them off. Like today :)

sleep depri--what?

Life feels really good when you wake up at 9:00 a.m. having gone to bed the night before at 10:00 p.m.

Oh yesssssss.

[And so does stepping on the scale and seeing X-7. Milburn Family Biggest Loser still in effect.]

ch-ch-ch-changes

I'm messing around with blog templates. Me + computer talk = DNE (does not exist for all you people who have not experienced the pure calculus bliss of deriving and integrating and finding limits and so on.)

Anyway, I don't really like this cheesy library background, but it will have to do for now before I figure out how to apply the template I really want. Also, now my follower gadget is rearranged, so it's not a perfect 4x4 square anymore. Hello, OCD. Back so soon?

So if you stop by and my blog looks like its on drugs, just know I'm in the middle of construction.

Any blog savvy advice is always greatly appreciated too :)

zombie

Some days I'm not even hungry and I don't want to talk to people.

Like today.

mucho

I realize that whenever I'm actually blogging about something, I write these ginormous posts. I can't help it. I've always been a rambler.

Thanks for always reading though :) And if you skim, I understand too.

pathetic

I'm really sensitive. Like extremely sensitive. If I could quantify how sensitive I am, it would be embarrassing. Sometimes I debate how personal to get on this blog. I've decided that it's one thing to get personal on facebook where it is shoved in people's faces through their news feed, and it is another thing to get personal on my blog. You specifically came here to read about me or the random experiences that come up in my life. So that is how I reconcile what I put on here sometimes.

Anyway, as part of my uber-sensitivity, there comes: The Over-Analyzation--again to the extreme. It often helps when I have friends like M or J tell me, "Tanya, you need to calm down."

I'm going back to my motto which is to "buck up." I may not be able to help the fact that I overreact in my mind way too dramatically, but with practice, I can change my attitude and subsequent actions.

Blah. I feel like I need a case in point. So here you go:

So maybe I tentatively like someone in one of my classes--not a huge, all-out crush; it's just the possibility. Anyway, after changing my outlook on dating the other day and resolving to not be so passive and put myself out there a little more, I forgot that putting yourself out there more comes with the greater risk of you not being received so well (and by "you," I mean me). I maybe spent too much time picking out something to wear (which in the end, didn't come together as I thought it would). I maybe spent way more time than my normal 15 minute get-ready routine. I maybe spent too long in front of the mirror fixing and primping and redoing and posing and planning and adjusting and dabbing and criticizing ohgoshwhydoesmyfacehavetolooklikemyfacewhyamInotprettierIlooksohaggardwhatdoIlooklikefromthebackIcantpulloffthishairmyfaceisfatthisoutfitisstupidthiskidisprobablyoutofyourleagueanywaywhyareyoubeingsoridiculous

And in the end, this kid ignored me.

I felt like Tom in "expectations vs. reality" scene in 500 Days of Summer. That scene actually resonates a lot with me in more than one instance.

As I walked home, I thought, I'm a stupid, stupid girl.

Now this may be part of my nature to get really down about something insignificant, but when I got home, I put on my running shoes, ran out the bad energy, and came to this conclusion: I'm still fabulous, even if no one else knows it.

i'm that person

So I've had a little cold for the past couple of days. With that comes the dreaded runny nose. On more than one occasion within the last week, someone has just handed me a tissue out of the blue. I think it's because I'm that person who keeps sniffling (<--is there a less baby word to describe that?) in a quiet setting until it drives someone to take action.

I apologize, but hey, free kleenex!

what if what if what if

I hate a missed opportunity.

I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing like I always do.

But if I had only waited...

germaphobe-phobe

In my apartment, we have a community jar of nutella. The other day, we were all in the kitchen and I dipped my finger in the jar, and without thinking I double-dipped with the same finger. It was an honest accident.

You should have seen the look of restrained horror on my roommates' faces. One said so very passive-aggressively, "Did you just, um, double dip?" The other roommates who witnessed the crime agreed that it should just be my jar of nutella now (hey, free nutella!). They even scrawled my name across the top and put it in my room. ?????

Seriously? Seriously. I think passive-aggressiveness is so pathetic and annoying. Germaphobes need to just take a microbiology class because then they would learn that germs are everywhere. And they are not all bad. You know that philosophical debate about the tree falling in the forest and if no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? I feel that can be applied to this situation because if I had been alone, no one would have noticed anything wrong with the nutella. No one would have gotten deathly ill either.

Germaphobia is purely psychological and has little scientific merit. The reality is that my "germs" are already all over the apartment. We all touch the same door/fridge handles, use the same dishes that don't get completely sanitized when we most often have to handwash them because our dishwasher sucks; the air and water I expire rests everywhere along with my dead skin particles (aka dust), a single sneeze contains 20,000 virus droplets, etc., etc. I digress.

The fact is that germs are everywhere and your minute attempts to avoid them once in awhile rarely make the slightest impact. What about french kissing? (I like how that term hasn't been used since the 90's.) Most people, even germaphobes, are pretty down with that even though it is an extremely germ-infested frontier. Or, I made divine Oreo truffles the other day that I had to touch with my bare hands to form the balls. But I'm sure none of my roommates would have a problem eating those either. My point is that most self-proclaimed germaphobes pick and choose which germs they want based on personal gain; there really is no rhyme of reason to most of it.

Now, of course I need an exception to this rant because almost every argument needs one. Sanitation and cleanliness are good things. Of course, you should wash your hands after you go to the bathroom--except if you only pee, it's okay to skip because urine is sterile and not a big deal. JUST KIDDING. That is a joke, people. Although urine is sterile, always wash your hands. You should cough in your elbow, keep household surfaces clean, blah blah blah, the basics, you know? Do I think it's necessary or healthier to be immaculate? No, not really. Studies actually show that kids who are exposed to pets and play outside more have healthier immune systems because the best way to boost immunity is to be exposed to other pathogens--none of this Airborne, vitamin C overdosing nonsense.

Anyway, I just wish people had the basic biological knowledge to know that one double-dipping incident is not going to give them AIDS.

And because I hate passive-aggressiveness so much, when no one was home, I licked my finger and stuck it right back in their new, shiny jar of community nutella--ironic, but I had to return the favor.

:)

desperado

The worst thing about staying home (poco enferma) on a Friday night is that my internet is not funcionando (working). [I've kind of been in a Spanglish mode lately...] Yes, I can post a blog that will take 5 minutes to load, but I can't watch Netflix or Youtube and even Facebook is too slow to handle.

Maldito sea.

Blog-stalkers: Please, someone call me. Or else I am stuck here reading chic lit and talking to myself in español.

sweet 16

I have 16 followers! Yay!!!!!!! Thanks to everyone who made it happen. Now, before you think I am equating my personal worth and/or popularity to my follower count, you should know already that you are extremely mistaken. (I already know I'm fantastic and cool.)

The reason I am so excited about 16 followers is that now the box on the side of my blog is perfect 4x4 display. My OCD is now at rest.

On another note, I like when professors believe that your internet really did go out last night, and you couldn't turn in your homework. And they change your scores--like that. I love BYU.

it never fails

Know what I love?

Awkward engagement pictures. It amazes me that no matter how much we make fun of them, they still exist! Note to self and to blog readers: You do not need 500 million pictures to convey the message "we're in love and sexually frustrated" (<--if you're Mormon...Sometimes I see some sketchy poses out there.)

Well that's all for that subject. Gotta go study for biochem.

shout out

I just have to say that nobody makes cinnamon rolls like my mom. Nobody.

I was eating someone else's recipe, and I ate far too much than I would have liked. This is because some crazy thought of mine reasoned that just one more bite and then I would be tasting my mom's cinnamon rolls. Does anyone else eat gross things because you keep thinking it will taste different with the next bite? I don't want to dis on the person who made the cinnamon rolls because they weren't completely terrible; they just weren't the way I like them.

I just realize that I was one lucky girl all those growing up years.

Health Care

This is by no means a comprehensive argument on the pros and cons of socialized health care, but for the moment, I just wanted to say this: I don't agree with socialized health care.

So many Americans take their health for granted. Heart disease, cancer, and stroke are the leading causes of death (not to mention, diabetes coming in a close 6th.) All these diseases have a large lifestyle aspect that factors into their causes. Before you freak out at my insensitivity, I'm a scientist. I know about genetics. I know sometimes we draw the short straw and get a bad combination of genes that predispose us to these illnesses. BUT, genetics aren't everything. Take responsibility for your health and for your life. Some of us have to try harder than other people. That's life.

The point is that I don't want my tax dollars paying for your irresponsibility. Am I saying there shouldn't be safety nets? No. Am I saying there shouldn't be compassion for genuinely uncontrollable circumstances? No. But if you shove junk through your body and watch reruns of Jersey Shore (an extreme example, I know) and wind up with diabetes or arteriosclerosis, don't expect me to front the bill.

I know I'm feeling rather unsympathetic today, but that's the harsh truth. Get over it.

FYI

Dear future roommate, husband, cat, etc.:

I can't keep my room clean. I keep blaming it on my lack of space, but it's probably just me. I thought I would give you a fair warning. But I have a stellar shower voice, and I make a mean vegetarian chili, so there are some perks to living with me.

Love, Tanya

a little cherry to my day

Warning: This post is extremely petty and vain.

So Milburn Biggest Loser didn't go quite so well for me last week, and I hate that feeling after eating junk food when I realize it wasn't worth it, which most of the time it's not. I weighed myself on Sunday, and I was a half a pound over my starting weight. So it seemed that I ruined my 2 lb progress and was back at square X+o.5. UGH. I'm too embarrassed to post my starting weight, so we'll call it X. I decided to weigh myself today just to remind myself how far I needed to go, and then my scale was at X-4. Suh-WEET! I have this weird OCD where I have to step on the scale three times, and it has to give me the same number three times in a row for me to believe it. (It's a digital scale.) So, hopefully the number on Sunday was a fluke because I don't think you can lose 4.5 lbs in 2.5 days. In fact, I know you can't. Not with my metabolism anyway. So here's to hoping the number today was for real! Spinach time!

If you did decide to read that post, don't judge me. I just like competition.

I'm moving to Arizona dammit!!

It is way too cold here. And I'm a baby. I kept thinking my skirt was tucked into my fleece-lined tights because I could not feel the extra layer of clothing all day. I seriously considered wearing a ski mask just to get from class to class.


Oh Utah, how I loathe thee right now.


On a different subject, here is my new haircut per request of my mom and Brittany. I hope you enjoy the pictures in all their awkward glory. I was never good at the myspace mirror picture.