New Years Resolutions

I actually want to achieve something this year.

1. Get a 4.0...ambitious much?
2. Read BEFORE class
3. Pretty much be like Beth
4. Read my scriptures daily
5. Pray morning and night
6. Make my drivers license correct again...
7. Complete a half-marathon and maybe a full...
8. Practice dance more. Make a gold class.
9. Stop biting my nails.
10. Think of others more often.
11. Make a new friend or two.


I know a lot of these are vague, but I feel like I have been stagnant for awhile in my progress of becoming a better person. I want to live a better quality of life, and I feel like I have a lot of opportunity that I don't take advantage of, so 2009 is my year.

Ready. Set. Go.

Christmas

I hate college because you are so caught up in the coming of finals, you completely miss the Christmas season. I was a crappy secret sister. I'm really sorry. I can't believe it's Christmas Eve. I haven't thought about one other person, and I feel horrible.

I hope everyone finds happiness and comfort and peace this next year.

catching up

I haven't blogged in awhile. I'm pretty bad at the whole blogging thing. I do this with my journal too. I write about once a month, but I remember back in elementary when I wrote EVERYday and it's kind of fun to look back and remember what I was doing a year ago. It's sometimes hard to remember the weekend sometimes. I fear Alzheimer's is settling in too soon.

So I'm at the grandparent's house for Christmas. My grandma gives me taco soup with huge chunks of beef and says, "you can eat that right?" Um, no...I am, um, pretty sure that's, um, meat in there....yeah, so I, uh, don't eat that. Every five minutes she always asks me if I'm finding anything to eat. Yes, Grandma, I'm eating. She means well. I just hate the look on her face when I refuse her cooking. It's the disappointment that she can't help. But I just love that she's around. I don't even bring up the vegan thing. When I come home, I downgrade to vegetarian when there are no other options. I miss soy milk :(

Here's the intinerary: Christmas Eve feast. Christmas morning breakfast feast. Christmas night feast. Day after Christmas feast. That's a lot of food. I guess we're going out of this year with a bang. The cool thing is that A LOT of my family is going to be together. The most we've had in a long time. My family is crazy and loud and talkative and gossipy and obnoxious and quirky and I love them. This should be fun.

Merry Christmas Eve.

Thx

Only Ashley Smith understands that title. haha. I miss those days of Tingey Hall. I really do.

So...it's Thanksgiving. I'm home. Everything fits right. Everything feels right. My bed is how I remembered it. My house smells the same. The dishes are just where I expect them to be. I still remember every one. Even at my apartment I'm always wishing I had that exact dish that I used at home. It was the right size, right material. I love being home. I love remembering the simplest things that I took for granted.

But I'm having a Wordsworth-ian moment where I realize as much as I reminisce over these things of my past. I can never go back to that time. I will never be able to live here everyday. Lauren will never be at her same house for me to go to. I will never use my dresser again or my desk. I will never go to "regular" high school (not that I really want to go back).

I want to be optimistic about the future though. I have really great friends in Provo. I've been so lucky to meet people that I just click with. Yes, school is stressful and dance is frustrating, but I laugh a lot. I talk a lot. I experience a lot. I live a lot.

It seems though that every relationship or experience you have to eventually put in the dresser drawer of "the past." I can't wait until I meet that person or those people that I get to take into the future with me. And I don't have to worry about the eventually. Eventually this will end or eventually we will go our separate ways.

That is why I'm so grateful for my family more than anything else. They are my past and future. We evolve together.

Happy Thanksgiving

mediocre

I feel like I haven't given forth my best effort this semester, which has really been showing up in my test scores lately. It is really frustrating, but I can't blame anyone by myself. I really waste my time sometimes. Sometimes it's not just a waste of time, but it still affects my school work. I feel like I have been sliding downward since high school. I was really on top of things back then. I guess we all have a bad semester now and then. I'm pumped for winter though. I am so making a come back....

Well dancesport is over...for now. I really just want to get better , but I don't know how. I have been dancing around my apartment non-stop because I'm just on a high. Ballroom really is what keeps me sane--ironic because most of the time I am ignoring people dancing around my apartment thinking about certain dance moves and obsessing over every last toe point. As much as I get teared down and critiqued and corrected and told that my technique resembles a 185 student and that I look like this [insert embarrassing rendition of my dancing by brent keck] and as much as I get discouraged and as much as I cry, I absolutely cling to my dream of making the ballroom team and getting into gold bar classes and coming back to washington to teach and give back to the wonderful program of Pacific Ballroom Dance that has enhanced my life so beautifully. I cannot even express what PBDC did for me. I have a drive and a passion for something in life. I have a talent to improve upon. It gave me something I care about. It gave me a challenge to rise to. I never ever want to stop dancing. It runs through my blood to my fingertips. I am always dancing. Even when I walk to class, if you look closely, my hands twist and extend because I am performing a routine in my head and it shoots to the ends of my hands because that's all I can do without appearing too odd. I often feel so behind of the people who started dancing at age three, blah blah blah. I discovered dance so much later, and I am at a disadvantage, but I figure that I have eternity to be a better dancer, so I shouldn't get too sad.

That's all for now.

The irony of it all

I'm going to be more...focused. (As I write this in the process of distraction.)

I'm going to set aside time for homework.
I'm going to be on top of things.
I'm going to study for tests.
I'm going to practice dance.
I'm going to make to-do lists.
I'm going to regain that self-discipline I once had...not too many moons ago.
What happened?

See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable, is each other

That comes from one of my favorite movies.

Anyway, one of my favorite websites is Postsecret.com. I don't know the history, but somehow this guy named Frank has all these people send him their secrets and he posts them once a week as an ongoing art project. I deeply love this art project. It is real and vulnerable and raw and emotive. Even if the secret has never personally happened to me, I can always connect to the fact of holding on to something so long and letting it weigh you down. I know that feeling of holding something precious in your mind and building walls around it and chaining it up and burying it deep so that it is never discovered. Post secret shows how amongst our differences, at the heart of things we are similar--not robot clone similar--but like everything fits like puzzle pieces to produce a picture of true humanity. We often ignore the fact that we all feel scared; we all feel vulnerable; we all feel guilty; we all want to hide something and show the world something else. Let's be honest. No one is an open book. That's not pessimistic; it's just honest. I think almost everybody has a front they put on. Everyone is weird (for lack of a better word), but we all buffer the weirdness, so that other people restraining their weirdness will like us. Why don't we just be ourselves? Why don't we just say what we mean and mean what we say? Why do we tip-toe around words like "love" and "commitment?" Why do we even have secrets? Why do we need approval from others? I think most people are simply scared--scared out of their minds. Fear of being alone is one of the most prominent on people's mind. We are afraid to get rejected and emotionally stranded on an island. We want human connection so desperately, but we all act like we are Okay, Fine, Good. We are invinsible. We are taught not to need. But there comes a time when we have to be honest with ourselves and say "Life's a fact." We can understand each other if we just communicate and throw our thoughts out there. I try to be as real as I can, but I'm not going to pretend that everything is peachy in my life all the time and I have no regrets and that I always live everyday to the fullest and don't care what others think about me and so forth. Because it's not entirely true.

I had more to say, but it's late and I think I'm starting to ramble...

Hangover

Does it have to refer to alcohol? Because anyone who knows me, knows it isn't. Last night was Halloween. Sugar high. Sugar crash. My body is really angry at me today. It happens I guess. Thanks to my friends for giving me a good time and not letting me work on a humanities paper all night. That is true friendship. Now that Halloween is over, I'm going to get ready for cabaret. Ever since I saw Brent and Katie dance together, I've wanted to do a cabaret routine before I leave BYU. If I have a partner, I would like to do something in March. A little ambitious... Anyway I'm going to start Getting in Shape for it now--whatever that phrase means. That's what's on the back burner right now.

life or something like it

I know I haven't been doing the college thing for very long, but since my status is "junior" technically, I start to get excited and want to be done reallllly soon. I'm trying to figure out how things are going to work out for the next couple semesters and it's a lot tougher than I thought. Maybe I'll be here awhile. I really hope I picked the right major. I kind of have to go to grad school now, which isn't a bad thing....I just get scared I won't get in and then what? All I really want to do is work in women's health as a physician's assistant. I just think women's bodies are so amazing (no offense to the males), and I would always be happy in that career. Then come the what ifs. What if I don't get into a school? What if I can't afford it? What if I need A LOT more work hours and end up working for a couple years before getting in? Then what if I don't want to go to school anymore? I don't even want to get into the marriage dilemma because based on a statistical analysis of previous dating experiences and the fact that I'm a "radical" vegan combined with the extremely low number of males that have an open mind and can hold a stimulating conversation and other such variables--now I'm no statitician--but odds are I'm going to be a cat lady or a nun. I guess I've got options. Well maybe I should just sleep on things tonight.

Life is still beautiful.

And physics is the spawn of satan. I don't know why they allow it at BYU.

Walking for an hour each way makes you think

I missed my sister today. She's serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Guatemala. I know she's supposed to be there and help people feel God's love for them. I just want her here sometimes. I miss running across campus to get to her house. I miss escaping for a day, a weekend, or sometimes a week... I'm not a moocher. It makes me feel uncomfortable and burdensome, but Monica never got mad when I ate her food or wore her clothes. Growing up, we had times when we were really distant and in two very different stages of our lives. I never understood what my mom meant when she said we should be best friends with our brothers and sisters because they will always be there. I know what she means now. I miss my brothers too. Some of my favorite, vivid memories are in the backyard playing power rangers, captain planet, spiderman, batman, and every other super hero imaginable. I realize that Scott is going to go on a mission soon, and then maybe me, and then Todd... Then people are going to go to college, get married, get jobs, move away. Sometimes it just feel like I'm at a really long summer camp or something, and when I come home, things are just where they left off. But they aren't. I realize that I am past that stage of my life, but sometimes I don't like it.

I guess what I'm trying to say is don't take family for granted. Even though we won't live in the same house again, and we'll each go our own directions, my family will always be an anchor for me. I love them more than words express.

A person who will probably never read this

To the girl with the sad brown eyes:

I know we don't know each other that well. And I used to think I couldn't connect with you, but it wasn't really you. It was your decoy that you wear on the outside. I looked you in the eye the other day, and I saw pain; I saw nights of tears; I saw fear of where your life is going to go; I saw hopelessness; I saw embarrassment for what you're dealing with. I just want to tell you that you're not alone. God loves you, and he'll help you get through this. I hope you are able to find joy--big or small--every day of your life. I'll probably never see you in the future, but I hope it is filled with friendship and love.

Antisocial

I'm really not though. I love people. I love meeting new people--in my own time. By nature, I'm shy. I'll always feel shy. I'm never the center of attention in a group setting, nor do I want to be. I find that I listen more than I talk sometimes. I like groups of close friends rather than crazy parties where I don't know anyone. I like the personal. Moving away and going to college and having your sister leave you by yourself kind of forces you to get out of your comfort zone a bit. I don't like going to new things all the time though because then you just stay at square one with everybody, which isn't very fulfilling. I'm not a recluse though. I like meeting new people and then having those new people become old people. We tend to put a negative connotation on the word "old," but I don't. Old to me means comfortable, familiar, warm. It's nights like these where I miss the "old" people. The people I could just run over to their house unexpectedly or call randomly. I think more than liking people, I like connecting with people. I like conversations that mean something. I like learning more about people--their dreams, their strengths, their vulnerabilities, their ticks, their quirks, their secrets.

With that said...I guess I'm staying home tonight. I took a bloody physics test for four hours today and am utterly brain dead. Maybe I'll clean or something. I hope everyone is having a better Friday!

peace out.

Introduction

This is the part where I give a little intro. It's kind of like when you go to the Nutcracker (or any ballet/opera for that matter) and you sit there with the curtains down, and the overture keeps going on and on. You just want to get to the action. Nevertheless it is necessary, or else things wouldn't make sense. So if you're patient, I'll eventually get to the good stuff.

Why am I blogging? I don't really know. It kind of spawned from a random thought. I realized I was blogging in my head today, and I thought, "you know, I should really write these thoughts down." Why not online for the whole world to see? Though I doubt that. I do not promise to be a regular blogger or to confess my heart's desire on here. This is just a place for me to express simple thoughts, deep thoughts, musings, questions, ponderings, whatever fleeting thing crosses my mind.

So...you probably know me. Then again maybe not. I'm curious to know who you are. If you're brave enough, leave a comment. I think it's funny how bloggers write as if no one is reading but really know people may be reading and readers read but don't really let the people know they're reading and so they pretend that they are not reading the things not meant but really meant to be read. Because that would be weird right?

Anyway, my life doesn't equal my blog, but you may find out a thing or two you didn't know before. I hope I can just make people think or connect or laugh or smile or question or anything.... I guess that is my goal--for now.

Good night :)

A start of something new?

Hi.

I have a blog now. This could be interesting.