A brand new day

Not everything is turning out, but some things are.

I got the research position for which I applied. I got the acceptance email yesterday after stressing about it for weeks, so thanks. Now I don't have to worry about not graduating.

I got a scholarship for next fall/winter--not a full, but anything helps. (It's that bloody C in o-chem from the summer...why did I stop caring??) In the grand scheme of things, I have saved $15,000 of tuition. I'd say paying only an approximate total of $3000 for a college tuition is not too much to ask.

I found a ballroom partner who actually wants to practice. And I'm taking a technique class again...finally. No, I didn't move up for next year, but that's my fault. I didn't put the time in to work for it. But guess what? I still love dancing. Take that.

Now...I need to:

Get on the CNA bandwagon. (I started studying for once. baby steps, baby steps...)
Run more/get in shape for summer.
Start preparing thinking about life after BYU, which seems to be impending sooner everyday. This means making preparations for PA or graduate school. April 2011 is coming too soon and not soon enough. Yikes!

Be sure to wear a flower in your hair

Sometimes all I want to do is move to San Francisco, ride a bike all around town, live in a small loft apartment, be a hippie-vegan, have dreads in my hair, shop at second-hand stores, and enjoy the sunshine everyday.

Honestly, that would be the life.

ocean

My friend Matt introduced me to this band called John Butler Trio. I always knew he loved them, and I just never checked them out. Last night we all drove up to the hot pots, so we had plenty of driving, and I got a good dose of this band. They are classified as an "ecelctic/jam band" according to wikipedia. That's a pretty good term for them because their music has a lot of different influences, which adds to their versatility. John Butler is pretty much one of the most amazing musicians I have heard. I'm sad it took me this long to realize this.



There is an instrumental piece that John Butler plays called Ocean. Basically he started writing a song about how everyone is connected, but words eluded him, and this is what came out. It's brilliant; it's epic; it's moving; there really is no adjective to describe how impactful this song is. It's about life and love and birth and death and people and connections and relationships and empathy... It makes me realize how big life is beyond my small scope that I see through. It makes me want to change something, create something, be something. It makes me realize that my small part in the world is enough. There is a greater force in this world (which would be God for me) that takes our small actions and magnifies them to affect so many people. We are in a beautiful entangelment of interdependence with one another.



And life is just so beautiful.



Great band. Great song. Great message.



Thank you, Matthew Gress for opening my ears.



New Love:

Check it out.

Genetics

So that genetics test kind of killed me...

But I enjoyed the class, so that's a plus in the grand scheme of life.

Take home message of the class: Genetics and environment are everything! And inbreeding is bad.

Wedding Hungry

So I may or may not have spent an hour looking at wedding dresses today instead of studying.

WAIT! I know what you're thinking, and you're wrong.

No, there is nothing in my life that is leading or even so much as hinting at that in the upcoming future. I haven't been dating anybody, nor am I dating anyone right now--just so we clear that up.

This may be splitting hairs, but my title is wedding hungry--not marriage hungry, and I think there is a difference. Since wedding season is right around the corner, naturally I start to think about what I would do...(or maybe that's not so natural...) It's just fun sometimes, if not borderline pathetic. My problem is that the more I think about it, the more specific I get, which will only lead to disappointment when I can't find the exact color or decoration. I can be pretty perfectionistic sometimes--(future bridezilla perhaps...? Gosh, I hope not.)

So as I said, it's wedding season. The engagement announcements with couples gazing in each other's eyes or peeking behind a tree (<--romance, what?) start flooding in and covering the refriderator; high-pitched conversations, with giggling of course, start bubbling all around; my facebook homepage accumulates those hearts as a visual cue (in case I couldn't read) that so-and-sos are engaged or married; etc. It's just such a blissful time, isn't it? :P

But really, it doesn't bother me anymore. I used criticize that "this person is so cliche," or "ha, what an awkward engagement picture" or "her dress is tacky" or "they hardly know each other--good luck with that..." But who am I to judge? Yes, they may do things a lot differently than me, but if they are in love, it doesn't matter how awkward their pictures are or how unflattering her dress is. I've noticed that weddings are just so happy despite all of these things I may disagree with. Sometimes I think we just need more love in the world, and it's nice to see so many people celebrating that fact.

That's why I like weddings.

maybe

Maybe I won't say anything.

Maybe I'll listen to Adam.

Maybe it's all in my head.

Maybe it's the truth.

Maybe I'll figure something out.

Maybe I'll stop being pathetic.

Maybe I'll wait.

Maybe I'll be bold.

Maybe I won't say anything.

just keep swimming

I'm a zombie today.

It's my own fault.

Happy Monday!

I can't wait to ace finals. ha.

I have to pay to tuition for the first time. Boo. O-chem is still coming back to haunt me...

Concert: The aftermath

This weekend was Ballroom in Concert. We had a Friday evening, Saturday matinee, and Saturday evening show. Here's the breakdown:

Cons: -I got no homework done.
-I used more makeup and makeup remover in three days than in my entire lifetime.
-I'll probably break out this week because of that.
-Early morning rehearsals at 6:30 a.m. in preparation.
-Bruises on my legs from bumping too many arm rests in the Marriot Center.
-Damaged hair from hairspray, blow dry, hair spray, blow dry to make my hair super shiny.
-I felt guilty for not selling very many tickets...and by "very many" I mean zero...

Pros: -I finally got to be in concert, instead of watching it this year.
-I started to like my costumes.
-I still got to watch some amazing dancing from the side.
-I entertained people.
-I felt busy.
-My old coaches Brent and Katie came down for the alumni number. Brent found me afterwards, and we chatted for a bit. It was really nice knowing that someone knew me in the stands, since my family couldn't come. And I didn't feel like he was judging me for not being on Tour Team. I've always really respected Brent and his passion and Katie and her creativity.
-Even though my face will hate me, I love getting ready for shows with the dramatic makeup and hair.
-I felt legit walking through the Marriot with full hair and makeup. (Hey, no one knows I'm on the lowly 10:00 team.)
-Just another opportunity to dance and perform :)


Next mission: Get a partner.

A discourse on Johnny Lingo

If you’re Mormon, you’ve seen the 1970's quality short film many times. If you’re not, here’s a brief synopsis. There’s an island. In their marital traditions, a man will give X amount of cows to a woman’s father as a kind of reverse dowry (I’m sure there is a word for it…). Three cows are pretty standard. Four to five cows are a little more impressive. There is a scene in the short film where women are bragging about how many cows their husbands gave for them. There is this girl called Mahana, and she is “ugly.” The island people make fun of her, and joke that maybe she’ll get one cow for her hand in marriage. Well this good-looking guy called Johnny Lingo comes to the island to get married, and he happens to choose Mahana--to everyone's shock. The next day he brings an astronomical 8 COWS! All the island people don’t understand, but her father obviously accepts. Later down the road, we see Mahana and Johnny Lingo in their married life, and gasp! Mahana has shed her ugly duckling looks. Johnny Lingo gives some bogus moral of the story that once Mahana saw she was worth 8 cows, she had inner confidence…blah blah blah.

Well, Johnny Lingo was wrong! Mahana needed to feel that her self-worth was infinite and absolute before she got material wealth. Her newfound self confidence was rooted in something fickle and conditional. Mahana essentially became one of those silly women at the beginning of the film who felt oh-so-important because of the number of cows that were paid for them. This does not show much self-improvement.

Kids, moral of the story: If you buy what everyone else has and keep up with society's materialism, you will feel profound self-love and inner confidence.

A discourse on diamonds

Thesis: I do not want a diamond for my wedding ring because I think it is cliché, unoriginal, and materialistic.

You may think your ring is unique because it is cut this way or your band is encrusted that way, and you attach stale symbolism that diamonds are the hardest mineral and last “forever,” but in the end, they all look the same to me. Yes, I see a need for a ring. It is a symbol in our culture that you have made a marital commitment to someone (which is why I always wonder why boys don’t wear engagement rings as well…). Anyway, diamonds—I don’t want one. Rather I would like a ring that is more casual or vibrant or…me—perhaps a wooden, bohemian look—but I’m not getting particular. I really like the stone turquoise…just throwing that out there.

Some people feel so pretentious because of the slightly larger stone donning their dainty finger.

True Story: I was hanging out with my sister at her house, and she had a group of friends over. One couple was engaged, and another was married. When the engaged girl, let’s call her Kate (oh wait, that was her name…) saw the married girl’s ring, she said: “wow, that’s so big.” Then turning to her meek fiancé she said in the most shrew-like voice, “why didn’t you get me one that big?” You. Have. Got. To. Be. Kidding. Me. The fiancé looked like he had been cut to the core.

I’m not saying that all girls with diamond rings are tacky or materialistic. I realize that it’s a tradition like Christmas trees that most people don’t think of changing, and that’s fine. But people like the aforementioned Kate...have serious self-acceptance issues. This was one of the most pathetic things I had seen.

Basically, a ring is a symbol of a commitment. The size, carat, cut, clarity, whatever has no bearing on the ring's symbolism.

And I just don't like doing what everyone else does sometimes.

'Tis the season

Since it is the season of proposals, engagements, weddings, and other love festivities, I thought I would set some guidelines in case my future spouse is a blog-stalker.

Dear Future Fiancé,
Don’t even think about:
-taking me ring shopping before you propose. Anticlimactic much?
-buying me a diamond. I’ll blog about this later, but suffice it to say now, I don’t do cliché.
-proposing on Temple Square--for the previously stated reason.
-proposing on Valentine’s Day.

No offense to anyone who has done these things. It’s just not me. That’s all.

Fish

Disclaimer: I am not dating anyone right now, so this is not based on anyone in particular or my current situation. This is just an opinion I've had for a long time, and I'm just posting it in cyberworld.

The dilemma: I absolutely despise and disagree with the "fish in the sea" theory of dating. It is used when people break up, and a well meaning friend says, "well, there are plenty of fish in the sea..." (Like that even helps?!?) It is also used to give advice on how to date. Many people support the idea that you have to date a lot of people--like they are fish in the sea--in order to really find the one you want to be with. Sometimes when people are afraid of commitment, their excuse is, "I feel like I just haven't dated enough..."

People are people--not fish. They are individual and without a heirarchy system. Some people think this incessant "shopping around" is to ensure you get the "best deal," so to speak. That's borderline pathetic. Sometimes people are just naively led astray to believe this actually works, so I only kind of blame them for not thinking for themselves.

A possible solution: Appreciate people for the unique people they are. If you have this "shopping around" mentality, nothing will ever seem good enough. When do you stop? How do you know something better isn't still out there? Is this the best you can do? ???!!!! This only inspires insecurity in your abilities and your (insert romantic partner label here).

Of course I agree with moderate dating and having fun and meeting people. But when your intent is to find the best one out there, I think you're going about it all wrong. Life is about creating not finding or stumbling upon. If you want a relationship, create it. If you want friendship, create it. If you want love, create it. Love is a choice. I don't really believe that people fall in love without their own consent. You choose to love people because love is more of an action than a feeling. When two people realize that they are compatible in the important areas, it's up to them to create the rest and make it work. Some people fear that one day they will wake up and just not be in love with their certain person anymore. This is where my mentality is helpful. You create the love between you two. If it is something you just "find" one day, you'll have this fear that it will be gone just as quickly as you supposedly found it. If you want a relationship to work out, it all depends on the effort and nurturing you give to it. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule; people can change significantly;circumstances can turn a relationship sour, etc. But for the most part, you create what you want to have.

In my life, I don't feel this intense urge to date as many people as possible before I get married. I appreciate the dating experiences I've had; the numbers are not astronomical, but I've met some really worthwhile people in the process. When I start to date someone I feel compatible with, I believe I can feel fulfilled and create a relationship even though I haven't dated every single person at BYU to know if that person is "the one."

Bottom line: You are in charge of the love you have in your life because you create it. I think I've drilled that point enough...

General Conference

So the overwhelming message throughout the past two days was the importance of home and family. I feel like that sentence doesn't do the importance part justice. The success of a strong, eternal family is such a sacred and imperative work, that no other success really matters if this one fails.

Confession: Even though I had the best example of a mom, I'm scared that I'm going to royally screw it up when I have my own kids.

What to do...what to do....

On a side note--I feel like I'm holding my breath.