holding my breath

i'm not going to freak out. i'm not going to freak out. i'm not going to freak out.

[I'm taking the GRE today and hoping it can save the fact that I had my worst. semester. ever this past winter. I'm starting to believe that senioritis and being burned out are real conditions. Or maybe I just suck at life.... I just know that I've been feeling nauseous all week, and last night I cried from all the stress. I just want my life to work out. I don't have to be rich or famous or win the Nobel prize for some extraordinary scientific discovery. I just want to be a scientist and have some small part in that world...and I want some other things too...]

so...

I'm a little on cloud nine today.

It doesn't even matter that it's still freezing outside when it's almost May.

I'm just saying.

:)

Just saying

This is perhaps my most favorite thing.

oh yeah

So...I graduated!

I might not have been the top of my class, but I made it with hard work and integrity. Things are going to work out. I just know it.

Life is just so good. I can't get enough. :)

laaaaaaaaaaaa

so. close.

Evolution,

I should have paid more attention to you.

trying to be optimistic

This is the last time I will be cramming for awhile.

Just have to make it to Thursday...

Dear Universe,

Please help me do it all.

Love, Tanya

yeahhh

Phase 3=Success

Phase 3 is when you see the person that you were getting over and realize that it totally does not phase you anymore [and that pun was totally not intended!]. It's actually a very liberating feeling. And I guess it came so easily because I may be melodramatic, but I was nowhere near in love with this person. So, everything is pretty peachy right now on the emotional homeostasis front. I have MUCH bigger stresses and worries and anxieties in my life, which have dwarfed this whole situation. The only thing I wish is that I wasn't treated like the freaky girl who word-vomited her feelings to you late one night. Oh wait...

It's okay though. If my plans for fall solidify and I can stop worrying about my future, this summer is going to be pretty raaaaadd. Seriously. More details to come about my summer bucket list!

dreariness is so last week

Then the sun starts coming out.

Then I talk with real people about real things and make up summer adventure lists and drink slurpees when it's freezing and spend the whole night laughing.

Then I listen to Priscilla Ahn's "Good Day" song the next morning.

And I start to feel optimistic again.

hello darkness, my old friend

Sometimes I feel like Benjamin Braddock...

...except for the whole seduction thing.

progress

Ladies and gentlemen, today is Phase 2.

This means, I start running a lot to a.) undo all the massive caloric damage I put on my body the past couple of days and more importantly b.) to put the past behind me in a more concrete sense...like Forrest Gump.

Dear Long Freaking Run,

Let's get together again.

Love, Tanya

the INdie crowd

(haha I'm so punny)

Wearing non-prescription glasses for the sake of being an accessory?

Yeah, kind of retarded is what I thought too.

Although maybe they are just raising awareness for myopia and/or hyperopia. In which case, how noble of them!

love me some stem cells

Evidence that I am a nerd at heart:

I watched a lecture about stem cells, and it just made me tingle with excitement. And we read a beautiful paper in biochem where they induced differentiated pancreas exocrine cells to insulin-secreting beta cells. It was the coolest thing ever. Seriously, when people talk about developmental biology or stem cells, I can't help but fall in love with the topic. I think that is what I want to study forever, even though it's a longer road because it takes longer to publish results due to the lengthy nature of the experiments. But it's just so mesmerizing.

I'm too lazy to form an organized argument on stem cell research right now, but basically it's ridiculous to prohibit government funding of embryonic stem cell research when it can do so much good. Suffice it to say, (and I am in no way demeaning the value of life) I do not believe that a 4-cell embryo (give or take a few stages) created in a lab has a soul that we are deliberately destroying. I don't believe that "life" begins at conception. I don't think we are foiling God's plan by finding new medical advances. I believe that God, among many things, is a scientist, and I believe we should take advantage of as many scientific frontiers as possible.

peace. love. and science.

woe is me

Phase 1: Wallow.

Okay not really wallow because that's pathetic. I mean to indulge in the emotions a little bit. I am a human being and having a broad array of emotions is one thing that separates me from less complex organisms. I appreciate emotions--even the negative ones. They remind me that I am not numb to my surroundings. They remind me that everything is delicately connected. Yesterday I woke up feeling disappointed, hurt, introspective, self-critical, and drained. So I decided to just let it be and let them run their course.

Then I had a pity party with my roommates (naturally) and tried to find the humor in my situation. Maybe eating your feelings isn't the healthiest outlet, but it's only a day (or two) off the diet track, right? And it really was about the company this time that made me feel better.

[And I am convinced that Captain Crunch, monkey bread, and Charleston Chews can solve the Israeli-Palestine Conflict.]

Phase 2 coming soon...after the sugar overdose subsides.

nevermind

So I always think it's dumb when people put dramatic and cryptic status updates on facebook to get attention. But this is my blog, so I can be as dramatic or cryptic or personal as I want.

That being said, once upon the month of March I liked a boy. And I told this boy that I liked him. And this boy didn't give me a straight-forward answer. So I continued to like boy against my better judgment. Then I couldn't ignore the blatant writing on the wall. So I accepted the truth and talked to the boy again to make a clean break (because we all know how I feel about the "fade-out"). This time was more productive. This boy doesn't like me like that. We decided to just be friends instead. It's too bad that he seems so sincere that I actually believe we will be friends. Only time will tell I guess.

And I'm okay. I guess. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and it's nothing a little (or a lot of) time and Patsy Cline won't fix.

So that is the story for all the melodramatic posts lately.

But life is good.

ugggghhhhh

Concert is actually more fun than I thought it would be.

But I have a sugar coma right now. I want to pass out and vomit and curl in a ball all at the same time.

Dear Body,

Please do not blow up like a balloon tomorrow. I still need to fit in my costumes.

Thanks,

Tanya

wah wah wah

Is it bad that I really don't care about the ballroom concert this weekend? Let's face it. It's the Tour Team's show as it should be. My one little number is really just so they can change costumes. I just miss the days when I used to be on top, and dancing in shows was such an adrenaline rush from costume change to costume change. This weekend I'll mostly just be sitting around with tons of make-up on my face, but it's kind of a waste of getting ready in the end.

Whatever. I'm just complaining. I'm glad I just get to be a part of it, even though it falls on the worst. weekend. ever.

Oh well. Just keep swimming. Here's to hoping something else will brighten my weekend! (as foolish as it may be...)

cardio-philia

lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub...

I love that sound.

Okay maybe not

Sometimes I speak too soon. But then again, this could be speaking too soon about speaking too soon. I really really really hope not. All I know is that I've been dancing in my room to this song:

Florence + the Machine: Dog Days are Over

[I just put a link in my blog. I'm getting so fancy with this thing.]

telefono

[The title should have an accent on the second "e." Just saying]

So I left my phone in someone's car that I don't even know because they were a friend of a friend. Hopefully I'll get it back tonight, but for the time being, as pathetic as this sounds, I feel utterly and completely handicapped.

Seriously.

There are endless possibilities of people who might be wanting to get a hold of me RIGHT NOW, but I will never know... Oh the uncertainty!! (I will probably get it back tonight and see that absolutely no one called/sent a text, but still...)

Querida Tecnologia,

You really got a hold on me.

Love, Tanya

Okay this is the last of the melodrama

Operation: Emotional Homeostasis is in full force.

This means I should probably open my eyes and move on.

It was fun while it lasted.

Dear Future,

You better have a lot in store for me.

Love,

Tanya