a middle class problem

My parents have three cars. We currently have three people living at home. Easy math; everyone is satisfied.

But...

One of our cars broke down a couple days ago, and my dad has been unsuccessful at fixing it himself. (A for effort though...) This means we only have two cars between three people. Not so easy math.

Now we have to compromise and coordinate. Ugh.

my dying breath

Dear Blog Readers,

I am probably going to die tomorrow. And my last piece of advice would be this:

Don't make muffins from a really old muffin mix!

Did I do this? Yes. Did I know how old it was? No. But did I know that it was probably ridiculously old--like something my grandma would have in her house? Yes. Did I make them anyway? Yes. Did they taste really weird? Yes. Did I eat three anyway in hopes that each one was a fluke? Yes. Do I have a problem? Yes. Does my stomach look like this now--> ":( "? Yes. Am I worried for my life? Yes.

So if the muffins reek further havoc upon my body, and I don't wake up in the morning. Please know, that from my mom to the random stalkers, I love you all.

for the futura

Note to self: Don't buy bulk-sized shampoo/conditioner! (You can use this as a note to yourself too.)

If I have learned anything in 22 years, it is that I have shampoo ADD. (For brevity's sake, I will only write shampoo, but I will always mean shampoo and conditioner.) I've heard that changing your shampoo more than occasionally and less than frequently (can't think of the precise word, and I'm too lazy to thesaurus that sh--) is actually good for your hair.

...5 minutes later...

Okay, I actually did thesaurus it, and I still couldn't find the right word. I'm tentatively resting on the word 'consistently'... basically, on a 1-2 month schedule. (I actually made up that time frame, so don't take my word for it.)

To simplify all this rambling: Changing your shampoo=good.

Back to the point. With this semi-reliable knowledge, I've decided that there must be an evolutionary basis for my condition. Mother Nature wants me to have really great hair.

Okay, that wasn't even the point. The point is that I have shampoo ADD (and judging by this post, maybe real ADD too...) The other point is that I really love showers--for many reasons--but mostly for the shampoo. I actually get really excited inside when I have to shower at a friend's house because NEW SHAMPOO!! Sometimes though, the friend happens to have the same shampoo as me, and it is the biggest. letdown. of. the. world.

(This post is turning out longer than I thought it would be.)

The real, REAL point of all that background and medical/psychological history is to say this: I bought the Costco* brand shampoo two years ago. I realized it didn't smell that great (and by not that great, I mean kind of like vomit.) But it was vegan and eco-animal-friendly and all-natural and gluten-free. (?? Is someone planning on eating the shampoo?) So I suffered through it, but it lasted FOR-E-VER. Sometimes I would buy other brands to give me a break, but I always had to go back to the horribly, guilt-free, bulk-sized shampoo. I tried to be wasteful with it. I used it for body wash and shaving cream. And let's face it, sometimes I even just poured it down the drain little bits at a time, but I still left behind a half-empty (or half-full...) bottle of shampoo in my old apartment.

Coming home meant new shampoo (!), so the first day I skipped into the bathroom, dropped my little towel, drew back the curtain, and to my horror--not a serial killer, worse--

sitting on the edge of the tub was that god-forsaken Costco brand shampoo.

(Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!)

I have had no will to shower for the past two months. I do it of course, out of necessity, but never delight. It's noon, and I'm sitting here on the computer dreading the responsibility of showering because if I have to use that shampoo one more time, I'm going to kill myself.**

Shampoo is a weird word. It was kind of annoying to write it so many times.

*Dear Costco, please don't sue me for libel. I love your products--just not your shampoo because I've been using it far too long, and it is void of fragrance.

**This is NOT a cry for help. Please look up the word 'hyperbole' in the dictionary to understand my rhetoric.

atrevido

My mom and I were driving home, and we saw a man with a cane who was hitchhiking. Of course, my mom--being the 60's child that she is--stops to pick him up. "Look, he needs a cane to walk; he's harmless." I, being the sensible child, immediately start to think realistically.

Obviously, that cane could be a weapon. And the next thing we could wake up to is a dark pit in a basement with someone telling us to "rub the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again."

Has no one seen Silence of the Lambs?!?

If I learned anything from that film, it is to not help people struggling with perceived handicaps or injuries because they are really just trying to make a human suit out of your skin.

Okay, okay. He was actually a harmless, somewhat incoherent, old man. Mom: 1; Tanya: 0. We took him to Safeway, and he said we could come get vegetables anytime from his garden. I'm not sure if said garden exists, but either way, we did our daily good turn...or I guess my mom did anyway.

I wish society didn't make me so skeptical.

Moral of the story: Have a little faith. Pick up a hitchhiker.*

*I am not liable for any death or injury that may result from such action.

woe is me

Phase 1: Wallow.

Okay not really wallow because that's pathetic. I mean to indulge in the emotions a little bit. I am a human being and having a broad array of emotions is one thing that separates me from less complex organisms. I appreciate emotions--even the negative ones. They remind me that I am not numb to my surroundings. They remind me that everything is delicately connected. Yesterday I woke up feeling disappointed, hurt, introspective, self-critical, and drained. So I decided to just let it be and let them run their course.

Then I had a pity party with my roommates (naturally) and tried to find the humor in my situation. Maybe eating your feelings isn't the healthiest outlet, but it's only a day (or two) off the diet track, right? And it really was about the company this time that made me feel better.

[And I am convinced that Captain Crunch, monkey bread, and Charleston Chews can solve the Israeli-Palestine Conflict.]

Phase 2 coming soon...after the sugar overdose subsides.

foolish

Dear Tanya,

Remember me? I used to help you avoid situations like these. I know the obvious answer. You should listen to me.

Love,

The Left Side of Your Brain