This terrified me.
But it also made me confront a the very real possibility that I was going to have to find a way to make my life work without Mormonism.
If I had a phrase to encompass this time in my life it would be this: "Learn to let go of that which does not serve you."
If I had a phrase to encompass this time in my life it would be this: "Learn to let go of that which does not serve you."
I suppose someone could read that and think it very selfish. Quite the contrary. By cutting out the parts of my life that were not helping me grow, I was able to make room for things that did. I created more room for joy and discovery. And ultimately I can contribute in a much more authentic way. Being at war with myself only made me shrink and withdraw. While desperately clutching to Mormonism and trying to foster new beliefs, I became less connected to both. So I let go of that which was not serving me.
The biggest thing I feel is relief--relief of letting go of the burden of living a life that pleases other people. Did my life suddenly turn to sunshine and rainbows? Nope. I still am struggling through the human experience just like everyone else. But I feel hopeful and a restored sense of wonder and curiosity.
I was led to think that doubt was this terribly, unconstructive state of mind. And I would say, by its nature, yes, it is corrosive. But have you ever stripped paint or varnish? Something that breaks things down by nature actually in the end, can lead you to an original state, a new start. It reveals the "unvarnished truth."
"Learn to let go of that which does not serve you." In this act, you will have the energy to cultivate what does.
I was led to think that doubt was this terribly, unconstructive state of mind. And I would say, by its nature, yes, it is corrosive. But have you ever stripped paint or varnish? Something that breaks things down by nature actually in the end, can lead you to an original state, a new start. It reveals the "unvarnished truth."
"Learn to let go of that which does not serve you." In this act, you will have the energy to cultivate what does.
3 comments:
Inspiring and beautifully written :)
The dictionary's definition of courage is "having strength in the face of pain or struggle." I can totally appreciate the fact you feel conflicted, and the fact that it is draining to feel so pulled in opposite directions. We've all been in places that feel that way.
However, "believing doubt" seems to be calculated coulsel to bring your mind and soul the very turmoil you're trying to escape. "Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith." - president Uchtdorf. Inspired counsel at inspired timing, I believe. Doubt is a powerful tool of the adversary and is also the the exact opposite of faith. Rather than losing the ground you've established through a lifetime of teaching (and even preaching), your future self may thank you for taking a "plateau" approach to your faith rather than a cliff jump. You are a truly beautiful, talented, and incredibly intelligent person, regardless of the choices you make or why you make them. Maybe you were given these conflicts and these circumstances because of your unique viewpoints and the chances it'll give you to help others through similar struggles?
Ashley, I really appreciate your comment. And I understand where you're coming from. For me, a better phrase to describe my doubts would be critical questioning. I don't feel like I regressed so much as I just came to a fork in the road and chose a different path, and it was a path that felt more right to me. As a fellow human being, I still don't want to be complacent or unethical. I want to feel like I'm improving, but I want to feel like I'm doing it from an internal motivation instead of an external one. And you're right, I actually have had the opportunity to help others in a similar crisis as it can be hard to find a safe space for questioning.
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