I will dispense some of those changes now.
Religiosity and spirituality have always been a large part of my identity. I've also always been very observant, empathetic, and intellectual. These all used to live in harmony; I used to display those qualities through the lens of my religion. Over the last year or so, that lens started to break down, and some of the parts of my identity were at odds with one another. Slowly I started observing patterns and policies in my church organization that were not so faith-promoting, and I felt my intellect was betraying me when the reasoning for my religious belief started to not add up. And I felt surges of empathy for people who were in pain because of a religion that I loved.
Needless to say, it's been a tough year.
[Warning: Unavoidable mentioning of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" in all it's banal glory.]
I really love "The Road Not Taken" in a very 8th grader-y way. But I remember a line later in the poem where he tells himself that he will leave the first path for another day (because totes obvs he was experiencing serious FOMO), but he says, "Yet knowing how way leads on to way/ I doubted if I should ever come back."
And I totally get it. There are some things that you just can turn back on or unlearn or un-see or believe the way you used to.
This has all been very broad, so let's get into some specifics.
I find absolute truth claims and ultimate appeals to authority to be problematic. This means, while I love the LDS church, I don't believe it is the only way to God and that we don't have any special communication with Him that others don't. When I let go of those things, it made it a lot easier and harder to be Mormon. Not everyone believes in Progressive or Big-Tent Mormonism, but I do. I believe there is room for everyone at the table. And a person can use Mormonism in whatever way will help them be their highest self. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Some people condescendingly call this "picking and choosing," but I see it as living authentically.
Live your truth and live your peace. This is a very difficult thing to do.
2 comments:
Hey Tanya- this post just popped up in my feed reader and I had to comment! Your words resonate with me. Living authentically was my motivation when I went through my big faith transition about 7 years ago (though it had been in process since I was 18 & started reading FMH for the first time :) (anyway, a long story for another time, but I'd now describe myself as a 'hopeful agnostic'.) I wish I had been able to make the Church work for me, but as you mentioned, the 'one true church' mentality makes that very complex. But the people/community can be wonderful, so I do miss that aspect of it at times. Whether or not you decide to remain a practicing member, I have a feeling you'll be okay, since it sounds like you'll be following the 'dicatates of [your] own conscience" :). It's a hard road to navigate at first, but ultimately, I think you'll find peace (& legit joy), in whichever form of spiritual practice feels right to you. If you ever need support or want to chat, message me!
(Also, you might like this post -- and this one too (both from the past few days.) Plus there are many great podcasts out there by people who are in very similar spiritual places as you- if you ever want any recommendations, I can share.)
Tanya,
Jenn just forwarded this to me. While support for you may not necessarily come from many people in your life - know that there are thousands (hundreds?, millions?) of people that share your enlightened views and applaud your courage, openness, and sound reasoning. Consider us part of the network of followers that support you on your road not taken.
Aaron
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