On leaving

I spent over a year questioning, doubting, and proverbially crunching the numbers of a religion that just didn't seem to add up. I wrestled; I worked; I tried to stretch my beliefs so wide that Mormonism could still plausibly fit inside--until it didn't. Around this time I had lunch with an old friend. It was one of the first safe spaces I felt I could be completely honest about what I believed. After reciting my laundry list of the ways my heart and mind deviated from the orthodoxy I had grown up with, my friend said, "I honestly don't know how you are going to stay in the church."

This terrified me.

But it also made me confront a the very real possibility that I was going to have to find a way to make my life work without Mormonism.

If I had a phrase to encompass this time in my life it would be this: "Learn to let go of that which does not serve you."

I suppose someone could read that and think it very selfish. Quite the contrary. By cutting out the parts of my life that were not helping me grow, I was able to make room for things that did. I created more room for joy and discovery. And ultimately I can contribute in a much more authentic way. Being at war with myself only made me shrink and withdraw. While desperately clutching to Mormonism and trying to foster new beliefs, I became less connected to both. So I let go of that which was not serving me.

The biggest thing I feel is relief--relief of letting go of the burden of living a life that pleases other people. Did my life suddenly turn to sunshine and rainbows? Nope. I still am struggling through the human experience just like everyone else. But I feel hopeful and a restored sense of wonder and curiosity.

I was led to think that doubt was this terribly, unconstructive state of mind. And I would say, by its nature, yes, it is corrosive. But have you ever stripped paint or varnish? Something that breaks things down by nature actually in the end, can lead you to an original state, a new start. It reveals the "unvarnished truth."

"Learn to let go of that which does not serve you." In this act, you will have the energy to cultivate what does.