A plan! A plan! A plan!!!

I, Tanya Milburn, have been accepted into the Masters program at BYU in Physiology and Developmental Biology.

Thank you God. No, really--I know He had an influence in that decision because I was really worried about my last senoritis epic failure of a semester.

I can't tell you how relieved I am that I have a plan for the fall. I know it's not Harvard like my good friend Jarom, but it's something dammit. I literally feel 20 lbs. lighter... I may even check the scale on that one.

Dear Life,

Thank you for not completely abandoning me and giving me a second chance to rock the academic world.

Love, Tanya

oh yeah

So...I graduated!

I might not have been the top of my class, but I made it with hard work and integrity. Things are going to work out. I just know it.

Life is just so good. I can't get enough. :)

trying to be optimistic

This is the last time I will be cramming for awhile.

Just have to make it to Thursday...

Dear Universe,

Please help me do it all.

Love, Tanya

hello darkness, my old friend

Sometimes I feel like Benjamin Braddock...

...except for the whole seduction thing.

isn't it romantic?

So I'm sitting in class (on the floor because people don't understand the concept of moving in to leave the aisle seats clear.) I'm a good 5 ft away from this guy sitting on the aisle seat, and all of the sudden he turns and reaches to offer me a piece of chocolate.

??

Might I add that this was a high quality German brand of chocolate with a strawberry filling. I was a bit confused by this gesture, but maybe he felt a connection since at the beginning of class he gave a nod to the fact that I was eating a spinach salad and he was eating bell peppers. A fellow vegetable enthusiast I see...

Anyway, I guess only at BYU can you accept treats from strangers.

three point five

There is something about taking a 3.5 hr developmental biology test that makes me feel really good about myself--no matter how it turns out. (It was free response, so I don't know...)

Yay for hox genes, wnt signaling, gastrulation, enhancers, insufficiency, Spemann's organizer, potency, commitment, splanchnic mesoderm, and EVERYthing in between.

Parasite

It's a little passe', but I finally got on the Inception train. I went to the theaters (by myself) because I was tired of hearing all the references to it and not being able to appreciate the pop culture allusion.

My mind is only semi-blown. And I will tell you why.

This is what my physics class in high school was all about. We would get on tangents far away from Newtonian physics and start discussing things like quantum mechanics, time travel, alternate realities. This is where I was first introduced to the idea that my reality might not be real--that everything I'm seeing is a projection of my mind. This is how our brains work after all. Every bit of sensory information is translated into a series of electrical signals, and the brain chooses how to interpret those signals. How do I know if the interpretation is really what is there?

We also discussed lucid dreaming and being able to control what happens in your dreams through diligent practice. Next time you dream, try to tell yourself to do something like tie your shoe. Eventually you can say where you go and what you do. I'm still working on this though.

So Inception was an extension of the brilliant ideas and theories to which I had already been introduced. Thanks Dr. Bellamy.

Let it die

Sometimes I am so stressed, I want to cry.

And it's my own damn fault.

Who decided on 24 hours days?

TA

So I'm not sure if this is normal...

Incident #1: I was in a review awhile ago and my TA was talking about how he graded our last test. He talked about how he started out too harshly, and then he looked at me at said that he had to go back and change mine a couple of times as his grading standards changed. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, but why he remembered only my test... I just let it go.

Incident #2: I was in another review today with this TA, and we were talking about the last test, and then he said, "yeah, Tanya I saw when you went into the testing center on your cover sheet." He was insinuating that he knows I took it in the last two hours the testing center was open on the last day the test was offered. Okay, let he who has never procrastinated a test cast the first stone. Anyway, isn't it odd that he remembers when only I took my test? Or the fact that he remembers when anyone takes his or her test at all for that matter...

Incident #3: Also in this same review we were talking about a way we could test a certain observation, and a guy gave an answer, which was slightly wrong (because you can't soak beads in transcription factors because they are intracellular proteins...nevermind). The point is I said that was wrong, but I didn't want to sound rude, so I told the kid that I knew that because I said that same thing in class and was wrong. Then the TA pipes up again, and was like, "oh yeah, I remember when you said that." Really? You remember when I said one random answer to a question the teacher asked?

???

Why is this TA a little too knowledgeable about what I do in this class? I can't judge too much because I remember weird, specific details like this about other people too. I think I've met my match in creepy memory skills.

[The only thing that bothers me is that I think that he thinks I'm stupid. This class is difficult for me, and I don't ace the tests, but I really enjoy the subject matter, and I just need to dedicate more time to really understanding every process in depth. But I'm not stupid.]

Off Day

...not to be confused with "day off," which would be so lovely.

No, an off day is just when everything is broken. It started with my private lesson today with Brent, my intimidating coach. He's great; he really is. He definitely knows how to critique. I can talk to him like a normal person now, but deep down he still scares the hell out of me. I just hate the look on his face as he watches our routines. I just know it is not even near his standard of good dancing. Everything I did just...didn't work. It was messy and unbalanced and lacking control. Sometimes I feel that there's so much to fix that Brent just probably feels overwhelmed with everything to correct. And everything that I do need to fix would probably not be ready by next week's lesson. Things like balance, control, speed, etc. are so frustrating to work on because it takes so long to see improvement.

This was only at 7 a.m. Then I had team, and I was off again with everything. I have a duet with another couple, but I always worry that Brent has regretted his decision to put me in that spot. And I hate the possibility of that feeling.

Then I was lost in Dev. Biology, thought I was on in Spanish, but took a quiz and apparently wasn't. I was really frustrated because I actually read the play, but I didn't fully understand what he was asking on the quiz due to my faulty Spanish skills. I botched the whole thing, and I hate that my professor thinks that I probably just slacked off.

I couldn't focus in Repro. Phys. even though I love the subject.

I found some serenity in the lab...except the PC-12 cells are frustrating and not surviving.

Gold II Standard...meh. Sometimes I wish I would just get it. I feel like I look the same way dancing as when I first started. I wish I had better habits about my head placement and the use of my latissimus dorsi muscles (anatomy what?) and my knees, knees, knees. We rotate partners, and when I don't have a partner, I'll sometimes dance with the TA because he really knows what he is doing. It helps me a lot, but I fear that he feels annoyed having to dance with me because of my lack of ability.

blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh. That's what I have to say about today.

Freudian

I once had an English teacher who said you could take a sexual angle from almost any piece of literature. (Kids loved that one in high school.)

Anyway, I was sitting in my Spanish Lit class and we were discussing the autobiography of Santa Teresa de Jesus. This is the same Teresa of Bernini's The Ecstacy of St. Teresa. She accounts her experience of seeing Jesus Christ as well as other angels in a vision. Her account is very sensationalized and descriptive, and as I sat there listening to the way she described her experience, I thought, "wow, this almost has, dare I say, a sexual overtone to it." I wanted to say something, but because Spanish is my second language, I feared I would be misunderstood or be waaaaay off base since this was after all a religious subject matter.

But then my professor brought up this same observation, and the irony of such a situation.

Vindication.

Sick (insert sad face)

Thank you Adam Murphy for the virus. I waited all summer to see you, and when I finally did, you came bearing gifts. That's what friends are for, right?

So yes, first day of school I had a sore throat. My body feels exhausted, and I almost slept in for my 9:00 class, which is pathetic because I have been going to class or practice at 6 or 7 a.m. all summer. I have been going to school nonstop since my freshman year, and ever since my first winter semester I have had a 7 or 8 a.m class every day. I'm not a morning person per se, but I try to force myself to be. At heart, I'm really a night owl. I always have been.

Despite being under the weather, I'm actually farely optimistic about this semester.
Tissue Biology
Developmental Biology
Reproductive Physiology
Spanish Literature
Research Lab

and Dance...hopefully.

Happy Schooling!

The Verdict

I'm not taking Spanish 451 anymore. My reasoning:

1. It would put me at 9 credits, which is a full load for Spring semester. And we all know my struggles with apathy...
2. I'm taking Chem 107, which is a one-credit class, but 6 hours worth of lab time. I feel like it requires more than it's worth...
3. This will be the last Spanish class I take for my minor. I kind of want to extend my courtship with Spanish so I have something besides science classes for the next two semesters.
4. I'm all done with GE's, so this is the only artsy class I have left.
5. If I ever get to Spain for a study abroad, I'll be able to take something.
6. I want to take more credits in my research lab, so that I can become more familiar with everything and feel more like a "regular" lab worker.
7. I want to have time to practice dance.
8. I want to get a solid A in my chemistry classes.
9. I need to find a job that will give me at least 20 hours a week.
10. I still want to be social in the summer.
11. I want to have time to run regularly because I've been on a roll lately.
12. The majority was a nay for my facebook status poll on the matter, so naturally I should follow that advice.
13. I don't really have money to buy all the books for the class anyway.

Well I've thoroughly convinced myself out of taking this class for now. I hope I don't regret this later.

Genetics

So that genetics test kind of killed me...

But I enjoyed the class, so that's a plus in the grand scheme of life.

Take home message of the class: Genetics and environment are everything! And inbreeding is bad.

I'm dying for a Renaissance!

I realized that I kind of hate Hum 201. For non-BYU people that's Western Humanities from Early Minoan Civilization until the Early Renaissance.

I enjoyed the Classical period, but other than that, I don't particularly enjoy anything. And I daresay that I don't feel there was a lot of enlightenment at this time in the art department. It's kind of...ugly. And not abstract, I don't get it ugly, but just ugly.

I think I just hate devout, religious art (which is the majority of art at this time) because I feel the world was farthest from religion at this time. (I do love a good dose of irony.) Everything is just so gaudy and show-y. There are some major architectural feats with cathedrals and what not, but I'm not really interested in architecture. I'm all about practicality most of the time.

I took the second half of Humanities before the first, which was a mistake because from the Renaissance and on, everything is just so beautiful and innovative.

Please get me out of the Dark Ages. Soon.

This doesn't happen very often

I walked home from the Testing Center after a long day at school, late at night, with a...bounce in my step?

Yes, I just took a biochem test. I was stressing all day because I kind of procrastinated yadda yadda yadda, but I still put in my time, and you know what? It wasn't that bad! I actually REALLY love biochemistry. I remember crying on the way home from o-chem tests over the summer. This semester is different for once. No more NMR and crazy synthesis pathways (even though I kind of liked synthesis...) Biochemistry is my favorite way to incorporate chemistry into life.

Gah. I'm just so excited that I'm not repeatedly failing in my chemistry endeavors anymore.

Peace out. I'm going to celebrate or something because this is a rare occasion.

(Maybe my Spanish test and Humanities quiz did not go so well...but, hey, you can't be good at everything all at once.)

I may have an ulcer by the end of the day*

I need to prioritize my life better. I tried this weekend, really I did! Maybe I have ADD? For some reason I think that is a legitimate excuse for everyone, except me. I know it's real, but I think that I could mentally out-smart it. Maybe I just need to buckle down and get things done.

Please just let me survive today.

*Contrary to popular belief, stress does not actually cause peptic ulcers. Ulcers are caused by a bacteria in the stomach, and a simple antibiotic will cure them. I was simply being proverbial.

so I woke up this morning...

...after getting 12.5 hours of sleep.

How glorious. So I'm going to start studying for biochem, do my religion homework, go to a review, read for Spanish.

I need a job. That should be on the front burner.

And I need a research opportunity this spring/summer!!!

That's all.

I should fix some old habits

Why am I such a night owl/insomniac? Yet, I always manage to schedule early morning classes.

I need to stop procrastinating and finishing papers at 4:30 in the morning. I'm pretty much dead by the end of the day.

But my best ideas sometimes come under intense pressure, so....dilemma.

Anyway, good night!

Aphrodite of Provo

That is the sculpture I am attempting to create for Humanities 201. Why did I decide to mimic classical art when I have NO artistic ability? I'm not sure. I just like it I suppose. I remember when I was little being so mystified by the Venus de Milo figurine on my mom's dresser. It wasn't just the fact that she obviously had no arms. There was just something so sensual, yet a bit reserved about her demeanor and positioning. It was like she didn't know anyone was spying on her to sculpt this.

Anyway, now I have to recreate something similar. Blurg. (Which also reminds me that I miss 30 Rock. When are these Olympics going to be OVER??)

p.s. Life is just so good.