Perspective

You know how everyone did that gratitude countdown to Thanksgiving on facebook (which was kind of annoying because for a whole month everyone was blowing up my newsfeed with how great their family, husband, kids, friends, life is...(I get it okay??))?  I would have liked to see more offbeat gratitude declarations, but that's just me.

Aaaaannnnyyyway, I actually have one.  A good one.

I'm grateful that my blog is fixed!!!  I don't have to write in HTML anymore.  And you should be grateful too because it means more random stories, needless details, and unsolicited opinions coming your way!

First on the docket:  I was starting to feel a tiny bit sad about my life today, but then I went on MSN.com and read that one of the stars of Little People Big World has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

Seriously, Universe?  Seriously?  Couldn't cut them a break?

Now I'm not using their situation to make myself feel better, but reading that gives you perspective, you know?  Like, maybe life isn't that bad.  There are worse things in life than freaking out about your future Master's thesis or fretting about the boy who just doesn't like you back...no matter how much mascara you put on in the morning.

So huzzah!  Happy December everybody!

self-reflection

I'm a weird person. I do a lot of weird things. I have a strange sense of humor. And I laugh at my own jokes--sometimes by myself. (But I quickly shut that down because funny people don't laugh at their own jokes. I blogged about that here. And I want to be a funny person.)

Can you work on being funny? Or is it just inherent? I feel like you can work on any other quality like patience, kindness, assertiveness, etc. I don't know about funny though. Maybe you have it or you don't. I just don't want to be a 40 year-old spinsty, and all people can say about me is, "I don't know why she's alone. She's so...nice." Bleh. I feel like "nice" is the last resort quality when people can't think of anything else to describe you. I'd rather be funny.

Funny is actually a funny word if you keep saying it to yourself.

One time a guy was talking about a girl he was trying to date, and he said she was "too independent." (Ugh, this isn't the 1950's...) He also had a problem with the fact that she was funnier than he was, so he couldn't impress her with his (non)-humor.

He was lame, but it made me think. Do boys not like girls to be too funny?!?

Anyway, like I've said a million times before, I'm really weird. I hang out a lot by myself these days, so I have a lot of time to be really weird. (i.e. singing in random voices, impersonating singers, spontaneous interpretive dancing to a song, talking to myself, laughing to myself, then trying to make my laugh more feminine sounding, making weird faces in the mirror, modeling in front of the mirror, etc.) That's just by-myself-weirdness/narcissism. I have around-people-weirdness too, but it's a little more mild.

Sometimes I'll be doing a weird thing, and I'll think to myself, "Wow, would you ever do this in front of another human being?"

And I hope one day that I can. I hope one day someone will like that I'm weird. Actually, I hope he will love that I'm weird. I'm still waiting on that though.

Classy Bonney Lake

[This one goes out to all the skeezies in Bonney Lake.]

Dear men that make me feel awkward,

If you try to get my attention, and I give you this face:

It means I don't want to send any positive reinforcement--no matter how much you honk or stare.

Thought you ought to know.

Not-So-Warm Regards,

Tanya

one time...

There is a particular breed of boy in the world. You probably have come across him once or twice. On facebook you can recognize him as the boy who has:

--way too many shirtless pictures

-- a pseudo-modeling profile picture

-- a lot of pictures in close body contact with girls out of his league

-- an obsession with his form of transportation

or any other similar narcissistic behavior...

I went out with one of these boys once. He was a bit too handsy for my taste. (My taste= Don't touch me unless I have given you the proverbial green light. I hate touchy-feely flirters.) After I had had enough invasion of personal space for one night, I had him take me home. He took the long way because he probably thought I longed to have a few more adoring minutes with him.

Needless to say, I didn't see him again.

gotta get down on friday

I have to preface this by saying that ever since I was 13, I babysat for the same family, the Lears. I'm pretty much the world's greatest babysitter in their eyes. It's probably the one thing in life that I can say I was the best at with confidence. Eventually I went to college, but I'm still really close with that family--like they took me on vacation with them once to Washington D.C., and I go to their grandparents' house, and we hang out whenever I'm back in Bonney Lake...typical babysitter-employer relationship stuff. This really has nothing to do with my story except that you know who they are and why I hang out with middle-aged adults.

Anyway, last night I was renting an Xbox game for their four kids and letting them borrow our Xbox. Now that my brother is gone to college, no one is going to touch that thing.

So I'm at Blockbuster, and I was having a little trouble getting my debit card to work, figuring out if I had an active account, etc., which led to me actually having a conversation the the worker because of the waiting. He was very pleasant, considering he had to work a Friday night. He looked at the game I was getting, and said, "You're gonna love this game; it's so good." Blah blah blah. Then I said, "Actually it's for these kids that I'm babysitting." Then he said, "Oh so you're not a gamer then?"

I felt my attractiveness go down a hundred points. "Uh....no?"

Call me vain, but sometimes I like being liked by everybody--even the gamers.

bright side

I guess the silver lining about this whole not-having-a-boyfriend-anymore thing is that I don't have to shave my legs so often.

And by "so often," I mean at all.

Summer, meet my beautiful, un-smooth legs.

yeahhh

Phase 3=Success

Phase 3 is when you see the person that you were getting over and realize that it totally does not phase you anymore [and that pun was totally not intended!]. It's actually a very liberating feeling. And I guess it came so easily because I may be melodramatic, but I was nowhere near in love with this person. So, everything is pretty peachy right now on the emotional homeostasis front. I have MUCH bigger stresses and worries and anxieties in my life, which have dwarfed this whole situation. The only thing I wish is that I wasn't treated like the freaky girl who word-vomited her feelings to you late one night. Oh wait...

It's okay though. If my plans for fall solidify and I can stop worrying about my future, this summer is going to be pretty raaaaadd. Seriously. More details to come about my summer bucket list!

progress

Ladies and gentlemen, today is Phase 2.

This means, I start running a lot to a.) undo all the massive caloric damage I put on my body the past couple of days and more importantly b.) to put the past behind me in a more concrete sense...like Forrest Gump.

Dear Long Freaking Run,

Let's get together again.

Love, Tanya

woe is me

Phase 1: Wallow.

Okay not really wallow because that's pathetic. I mean to indulge in the emotions a little bit. I am a human being and having a broad array of emotions is one thing that separates me from less complex organisms. I appreciate emotions--even the negative ones. They remind me that I am not numb to my surroundings. They remind me that everything is delicately connected. Yesterday I woke up feeling disappointed, hurt, introspective, self-critical, and drained. So I decided to just let it be and let them run their course.

Then I had a pity party with my roommates (naturally) and tried to find the humor in my situation. Maybe eating your feelings isn't the healthiest outlet, but it's only a day (or two) off the diet track, right? And it really was about the company this time that made me feel better.

[And I am convinced that Captain Crunch, monkey bread, and Charleston Chews can solve the Israeli-Palestine Conflict.]

Phase 2 coming soon...after the sugar overdose subsides.

nevermind

So I always think it's dumb when people put dramatic and cryptic status updates on facebook to get attention. But this is my blog, so I can be as dramatic or cryptic or personal as I want.

That being said, once upon the month of March I liked a boy. And I told this boy that I liked him. And this boy didn't give me a straight-forward answer. So I continued to like boy against my better judgment. Then I couldn't ignore the blatant writing on the wall. So I accepted the truth and talked to the boy again to make a clean break (because we all know how I feel about the "fade-out"). This time was more productive. This boy doesn't like me like that. We decided to just be friends instead. It's too bad that he seems so sincere that I actually believe we will be friends. Only time will tell I guess.

And I'm okay. I guess. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and it's nothing a little (or a lot of) time and Patsy Cline won't fix.

So that is the story for all the melodramatic posts lately.

But life is good.

cardio-philia

lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub...

I love that sound.

Okay this is the last of the melodrama

Operation: Emotional Homeostasis is in full force.

This means I should probably open my eyes and move on.

It was fun while it lasted.

Dear Future,

You better have a lot in store for me.

Love,

Tanya

mute

whenever I like someone, I get:

shy

nervous

awkward

fidgety

boring

quiet

I promise that I'm actually kind of cool though.

isn't it romantic?

So I'm sitting in class (on the floor because people don't understand the concept of moving in to leave the aisle seats clear.) I'm a good 5 ft away from this guy sitting on the aisle seat, and all of the sudden he turns and reaches to offer me a piece of chocolate.

??

Might I add that this was a high quality German brand of chocolate with a strawberry filling. I was a bit confused by this gesture, but maybe he felt a connection since at the beginning of class he gave a nod to the fact that I was eating a spinach salad and he was eating bell peppers. A fellow vegetable enthusiast I see...

Anyway, I guess only at BYU can you accept treats from strangers.

pathetic

I'm really sensitive. Like extremely sensitive. If I could quantify how sensitive I am, it would be embarrassing. Sometimes I debate how personal to get on this blog. I've decided that it's one thing to get personal on facebook where it is shoved in people's faces through their news feed, and it is another thing to get personal on my blog. You specifically came here to read about me or the random experiences that come up in my life. So that is how I reconcile what I put on here sometimes.

Anyway, as part of my uber-sensitivity, there comes: The Over-Analyzation--again to the extreme. It often helps when I have friends like M or J tell me, "Tanya, you need to calm down."

I'm going back to my motto which is to "buck up." I may not be able to help the fact that I overreact in my mind way too dramatically, but with practice, I can change my attitude and subsequent actions.

Blah. I feel like I need a case in point. So here you go:

So maybe I tentatively like someone in one of my classes--not a huge, all-out crush; it's just the possibility. Anyway, after changing my outlook on dating the other day and resolving to not be so passive and put myself out there a little more, I forgot that putting yourself out there more comes with the greater risk of you not being received so well (and by "you," I mean me). I maybe spent too much time picking out something to wear (which in the end, didn't come together as I thought it would). I maybe spent way more time than my normal 15 minute get-ready routine. I maybe spent too long in front of the mirror fixing and primping and redoing and posing and planning and adjusting and dabbing and criticizing ohgoshwhydoesmyfacehavetolooklikemyfacewhyamInotprettierIlooksohaggardwhatdoIlooklikefromthebackIcantpulloffthishairmyfaceisfatthisoutfitisstupidthiskidisprobablyoutofyourleagueanywaywhyareyoubeingsoridiculous

And in the end, this kid ignored me.

I felt like Tom in "expectations vs. reality" scene in 500 Days of Summer. That scene actually resonates a lot with me in more than one instance.

As I walked home, I thought, I'm a stupid, stupid girl.

Now this may be part of my nature to get really down about something insignificant, but when I got home, I put on my running shoes, ran out the bad energy, and came to this conclusion: I'm still fabulous, even if no one else knows it.

space

It's Tuesday night of Thanksgiving break, and I'm already bored. I don't know what to do with myself without an impending test or paper. I guess I could actually get ahead on my work. Now that would be a novel idea.

I went with a [male] friend to see Harry Potter. I guess I couldn't wait for the dollar theater. It's really nice to watch a movie with someone and not have to analyze your positioning or hand-holding signals. I was never really good at that anyway. It's nice to just be friends with people. No pressure. No miscommunication. No drama.

But as we walked through the mall afterward, (because my sister had to pick us up like we were back in junior high--the joys of being vehicle-less) he said something along the lines of how boys judge/critique other boys based on the girl with which they are accompanied. Cue overanalyzation: Are you slightly embarrassed to be walking with me because people might assume you are dating me? (and I'm definitely not a girl you would date, I know that...) The thought just crossed my mind, as these types of thoughts are wont to do. I just never want people to think I'm trying to pull something that I'm not trying to pull.

This also makes me think of the fact that people have a hard time accepting the reality of platonic relationships between males and females. I hung out with one of my best friends, Matt, all summer. However, I was questioned all summer whether we were dating or if "something was going on." People evidently trust traditional archetypes of friendship over obvious body language. If people watched our interaction, they would find nothing to suggest romantic attraction. We just have fun and joke around and have each other's backs. And I treat him the same as Adam and Cory because we are all equally good friends; they just weren't here this summer.

That was a tangent, but whatever. This is my blog.

Girls!*

*To be shouted obnoxiously like the Beastie Boys song

BUT, all I really want is NOT girls. Girls are so...ugh sometimes. Feminist as I may be, I will be the first to admit the faults of my own gender. But I'm going to make a distinction between women and girls. The main difference between these stages is a little quality called maturity. And when that settles in--no one can predict for sure.

Two things I noticed today:

1.) Girls are shallow. Exhibit A: I've noticed this girl. [No, not like that. I'm just a people-watcher. They fascinate me.] This particular girl does not talk to people outside her social class. If you do not have fashion sense, are not particularly beautiful, do not have some sort of noticeable talent, basically if you do not have anything she could ever covet, this girl will ignore you. She feeds off of attention from others. Especially boys. If you try being part of a conversation she's in, she kind of doesn't acknowledge your presence. She tries to come off as edgy and original and just the girl-next-door, but there is an element of cattiness to it all. It's quite annoying.

2.) Girls are territorial. Exhibit B: I noticed this today in one girl, but I realized it's not the first time I've seen this happen. Girls love to be surrounded by boys. They especially love when they are the only girl in the group to be doted on and flirted with. Today I joined a group of people that had one girl and a few guys. The boys all acknowledged me, responded to what I said, etc. Did the girl? Nope. Even when it's one boy and two girls, the girls will interact with the boy but not the other girl. Interesting.

Why are girls so dramatic and vicious? I think I feel more judgment eminating from girls' narrowing eyes than from boy's misconstrued notions of femininity.

This is why I have found that hanging out with guys is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun.

Matt, Adam, Kevin, and Cory(when you're home, I guess)--I love you guys! Thanks for letting me be a 5th roommate.