yeahhh

Phase 3=Success

Phase 3 is when you see the person that you were getting over and realize that it totally does not phase you anymore [and that pun was totally not intended!]. It's actually a very liberating feeling. And I guess it came so easily because I may be melodramatic, but I was nowhere near in love with this person. So, everything is pretty peachy right now on the emotional homeostasis front. I have MUCH bigger stresses and worries and anxieties in my life, which have dwarfed this whole situation. The only thing I wish is that I wasn't treated like the freaky girl who word-vomited her feelings to you late one night. Oh wait...

It's okay though. If my plans for fall solidify and I can stop worrying about my future, this summer is going to be pretty raaaaadd. Seriously. More details to come about my summer bucket list!

dreariness is so last week

Then the sun starts coming out.

Then I talk with real people about real things and make up summer adventure lists and drink slurpees when it's freezing and spend the whole night laughing.

Then I listen to Priscilla Ahn's "Good Day" song the next morning.

And I start to feel optimistic again.

nevermind

So I always think it's dumb when people put dramatic and cryptic status updates on facebook to get attention. But this is my blog, so I can be as dramatic or cryptic or personal as I want.

That being said, once upon the month of March I liked a boy. And I told this boy that I liked him. And this boy didn't give me a straight-forward answer. So I continued to like boy against my better judgment. Then I couldn't ignore the blatant writing on the wall. So I accepted the truth and talked to the boy again to make a clean break (because we all know how I feel about the "fade-out"). This time was more productive. This boy doesn't like me like that. We decided to just be friends instead. It's too bad that he seems so sincere that I actually believe we will be friends. Only time will tell I guess.

And I'm okay. I guess. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and it's nothing a little (or a lot of) time and Patsy Cline won't fix.

So that is the story for all the melodramatic posts lately.

But life is good.

mute

whenever I like someone, I get:

shy

nervous

awkward

fidgety

boring

quiet

I promise that I'm actually kind of cool though.

pathetic

I'm really sensitive. Like extremely sensitive. If I could quantify how sensitive I am, it would be embarrassing. Sometimes I debate how personal to get on this blog. I've decided that it's one thing to get personal on facebook where it is shoved in people's faces through their news feed, and it is another thing to get personal on my blog. You specifically came here to read about me or the random experiences that come up in my life. So that is how I reconcile what I put on here sometimes.

Anyway, as part of my uber-sensitivity, there comes: The Over-Analyzation--again to the extreme. It often helps when I have friends like M or J tell me, "Tanya, you need to calm down."

I'm going back to my motto which is to "buck up." I may not be able to help the fact that I overreact in my mind way too dramatically, but with practice, I can change my attitude and subsequent actions.

Blah. I feel like I need a case in point. So here you go:

So maybe I tentatively like someone in one of my classes--not a huge, all-out crush; it's just the possibility. Anyway, after changing my outlook on dating the other day and resolving to not be so passive and put myself out there a little more, I forgot that putting yourself out there more comes with the greater risk of you not being received so well (and by "you," I mean me). I maybe spent too much time picking out something to wear (which in the end, didn't come together as I thought it would). I maybe spent way more time than my normal 15 minute get-ready routine. I maybe spent too long in front of the mirror fixing and primping and redoing and posing and planning and adjusting and dabbing and criticizing ohgoshwhydoesmyfacehavetolooklikemyfacewhyamInotprettierIlooksohaggardwhatdoIlooklikefromthebackIcantpulloffthishairmyfaceisfatthisoutfitisstupidthiskidisprobablyoutofyourleagueanywaywhyareyoubeingsoridiculous

And in the end, this kid ignored me.

I felt like Tom in "expectations vs. reality" scene in 500 Days of Summer. That scene actually resonates a lot with me in more than one instance.

As I walked home, I thought, I'm a stupid, stupid girl.

Now this may be part of my nature to get really down about something insignificant, but when I got home, I put on my running shoes, ran out the bad energy, and came to this conclusion: I'm still fabulous, even if no one else knows it.

what if what if what if

I hate a missed opportunity.

I'm probably making a big deal out of nothing like I always do.

But if I had only waited...

Be OK

I saw someone I used to like today. The "out of sight, out of mind" practice was somewhat successful, but it couldn't last forever. Eventually I knew I would have to face things.

It was brief. It caught me off guard and made me hold my breath for a second.

Then I processed things and realized, I'm over it! Unrequited feelings can be really crushing sometimes, but life moves on. I was amazed at how okay I was. It was such a liberating feeling.

So for the record, my heart is just fine. Thanks :)

You are the only exception

I just love his work. And him.

Normally, I'm not one for celebrity crushes, but I'm willing to compromise this rule for Joseph Gordon-Levitt. He just seems so not a celebrity--in a good way. He seems so adorable and down-to-earth in his interviews and commentaries. He's not a sell-out. And because he is very methodical about his film choices, he has gotten some quality roles lately. I feel like he loves acting for acting's sake.

He's practically a normal person, right?

All Apologies

Dear World,

Sorry if I have been a bit (or maybe more than a bit) petulant lately. Unrequited like can really destroy your serotonin levels.

I promise to be better.

Love, Tanya

Hyperballad*

Some things never change.

It's coming again. That nauseaous, anxious pit in my stomach. That overwhelming sense to flee the scene and run like mad. That wanting to be anywhere but here. That urge to push someone--anyone. That desperation for an isolated breath of air.

"it's become a habit, a way to start the day..."

*one of my favorite Bjork songs. (And my old roommate Emily does an awesome acoustic version to it. I wish I could hear it again.)