one time...

There is a particular breed of boy in the world. You probably have come across him once or twice. On facebook you can recognize him as the boy who has:

--way too many shirtless pictures

-- a pseudo-modeling profile picture

-- a lot of pictures in close body contact with girls out of his league

-- an obsession with his form of transportation

or any other similar narcissistic behavior...

I went out with one of these boys once. He was a bit too handsy for my taste. (My taste= Don't touch me unless I have given you the proverbial green light. I hate touchy-feely flirters.) After I had had enough invasion of personal space for one night, I had him take me home. He took the long way because he probably thought I longed to have a few more adoring minutes with him.

Needless to say, I didn't see him again.

"I don't care what you think unless it is about me"*

*So true, Mr. Cobain.

Sometimes I mistake politeness for sincerity, and it gets my feelings in trouble.

Why can't people just say what they mean?

Or I can just become like Cal Lightman and be an expert people reader. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this.

one day i won't regret this

over. done. finished. gone.

All these words have a definite boundary and ending point. I think those words only work for the people on that side. The side that does all the talking. The side that has been planning this. The side holding the gun. The side that's sorry, but can't fix it. The side that isn't desperately hoping this is all a dream or parallel universe. The people on that side say these words, and it's over for them. They wake up the next morning and move on without the heavy burden of a broken, broken heart.

The people on the other side don't have the luxury of this clean breakaway. They are left alone, shocked into numbness and insomnia--trying to dam up their feelings until it causes them to shake and cry on the floor as they try to drown out the big gaping Why? that's pounding in their brains. And then there is that overwhelming responsibility of a million heart pieces that need to be put back together.

I was never very good with puzzles.

funk

Just watch me single handedly destroy one of the best things going in my life right now.

Just watch.

Once a freak-outer, always a freak-outer.

post script

Can I also just say that I'm ecstatic because now I don't look quite so much like a pathetic, does-nothing-with-her-life loser next to the boy with a 4.0 and perfect Spanish who gets a promotion at work for being an exemplary teacher and who is really all-out wonderful in every single way...

whirlwind

When life starts getting really good, I forget to blog, and then all my posts just sound whiny and melodramatic and depressing.

A lot of things in my life are up in the air right now, but I hope at least one of them is here to stay. :)

Life is good. So so so good.

so...

I'm a little on cloud nine today.

It doesn't even matter that it's still freezing outside when it's almost May.

I'm just saying.

:)

Just saying

This is perhaps my most favorite thing.

oh yeah

So...I graduated!

I might not have been the top of my class, but I made it with hard work and integrity. Things are going to work out. I just know it.

Life is just so good. I can't get enough. :)

yeahhh

Phase 3=Success

Phase 3 is when you see the person that you were getting over and realize that it totally does not phase you anymore [and that pun was totally not intended!]. It's actually a very liberating feeling. And I guess it came so easily because I may be melodramatic, but I was nowhere near in love with this person. So, everything is pretty peachy right now on the emotional homeostasis front. I have MUCH bigger stresses and worries and anxieties in my life, which have dwarfed this whole situation. The only thing I wish is that I wasn't treated like the freaky girl who word-vomited her feelings to you late one night. Oh wait...

It's okay though. If my plans for fall solidify and I can stop worrying about my future, this summer is going to be pretty raaaaadd. Seriously. More details to come about my summer bucket list!

dreariness is so last week

Then the sun starts coming out.

Then I talk with real people about real things and make up summer adventure lists and drink slurpees when it's freezing and spend the whole night laughing.

Then I listen to Priscilla Ahn's "Good Day" song the next morning.

And I start to feel optimistic again.

progress

Ladies and gentlemen, today is Phase 2.

This means, I start running a lot to a.) undo all the massive caloric damage I put on my body the past couple of days and more importantly b.) to put the past behind me in a more concrete sense...like Forrest Gump.

Dear Long Freaking Run,

Let's get together again.

Love, Tanya

woe is me

Phase 1: Wallow.

Okay not really wallow because that's pathetic. I mean to indulge in the emotions a little bit. I am a human being and having a broad array of emotions is one thing that separates me from less complex organisms. I appreciate emotions--even the negative ones. They remind me that I am not numb to my surroundings. They remind me that everything is delicately connected. Yesterday I woke up feeling disappointed, hurt, introspective, self-critical, and drained. So I decided to just let it be and let them run their course.

Then I had a pity party with my roommates (naturally) and tried to find the humor in my situation. Maybe eating your feelings isn't the healthiest outlet, but it's only a day (or two) off the diet track, right? And it really was about the company this time that made me feel better.

[And I am convinced that Captain Crunch, monkey bread, and Charleston Chews can solve the Israeli-Palestine Conflict.]

Phase 2 coming soon...after the sugar overdose subsides.

nevermind

So I always think it's dumb when people put dramatic and cryptic status updates on facebook to get attention. But this is my blog, so I can be as dramatic or cryptic or personal as I want.

That being said, once upon the month of March I liked a boy. And I told this boy that I liked him. And this boy didn't give me a straight-forward answer. So I continued to like boy against my better judgment. Then I couldn't ignore the blatant writing on the wall. So I accepted the truth and talked to the boy again to make a clean break (because we all know how I feel about the "fade-out"). This time was more productive. This boy doesn't like me like that. We decided to just be friends instead. It's too bad that he seems so sincere that I actually believe we will be friends. Only time will tell I guess.

And I'm okay. I guess. It's nothing I haven't dealt with before, and it's nothing a little (or a lot of) time and Patsy Cline won't fix.

So that is the story for all the melodramatic posts lately.

But life is good.

cardio-philia

lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub-lub-dub...

I love that sound.

Okay maybe not

Sometimes I speak too soon. But then again, this could be speaking too soon about speaking too soon. I really really really hope not. All I know is that I've been dancing in my room to this song:

Florence + the Machine: Dog Days are Over

[I just put a link in my blog. I'm getting so fancy with this thing.]

Okay this is the last of the melodrama

Operation: Emotional Homeostasis is in full force.

This means I should probably open my eyes and move on.

It was fun while it lasted.

Dear Future,

You better have a lot in store for me.

Love,

Tanya

I feel it all

"I don't know what I knew before."

Love me some Feist.

But seriously...

foolish

Dear Tanya,

Remember me? I used to help you avoid situations like these. I know the obvious answer. You should listen to me.

Love,

The Left Side of Your Brain

haha

I wish I knew who really read this thing because I'm guessing it's slightly more than those sixteen squares in the corner.

Sometimes I'm weary of what I post, but if I really have to get something off my chest, that's what my journal is for!

Suffice it to say, I hate when all my cards are on the table. I feel like a beginner without the luck. Meh, I was never good at poker anyway.

Cheers to the girl who puts all her eggs in one basket!