disillusioned

Does anyone even stay happily married anymore? I feel like I see so many movies or hear so many stories about marriages that just...fade. Sometimes they stay together because divorce is too much of a hassle or sometimes they just call it quits.

Does anyone stay in love forever? Is that too much to hope for in the future?

"I don't care what you think unless it is about me"*

*So true, Mr. Cobain.

Sometimes I mistake politeness for sincerity, and it gets my feelings in trouble.

Why can't people just say what they mean?

Or I can just become like Cal Lightman and be an expert people reader. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this.

love love love

The Trapeze Swinger--Iron & Wine

This is one of the greatest songs ever written. I'm serious. It's so beautiful and nostalgic and bittersweet and sincere.

Samuel Beam, you have my heart.

darse cuenta

I just realized today that I am really happy. Maybe it's because the sun came out, but I think it was for a deeper reason. I've been trying really hard to have the right perspective since Black Monday (see May 23rd), and while I don't (and may never) have all the answers, I'm able to let go and appreciate what was. And I'm actually really optimistic for the future.

What I learned this past week: God never leaves you all alone.

Healing is a beautiful thing if you let it be.

22 the aftermath

Yesterday was actually greater than I thought it would be. I felt an outpouring of love from friends, family, strangers (that give me rides home--only in Provo), and especially God.

And I had a quiet feeling that everything is going to be okay even if it hurts for awhile. That was probably the best present.

I don't know what I'm doing, but here's to the first step of moving on--wherever that may be.

22

Today is my 22nd birthday. And I'm starting at rock bottom.

As you may have inferred from the girly-giddy posts a month ago, the blogging hiatus, and then yesterday, I was with an extraordinary person who ended up not thinking the same about me. It started fast, I gave my heart quickly, and then I was yanked out of my dreamy existence. Time is a really funny thing that cannot always be taken at face value. A lot of time does not always mean a lot, and a little time does not always mean a little. I say this because some of you may roll your eyes at the length of this relationship. It seems short, but it was a very special and personal time for me. That's the only way I can put it.

Before this, I had never had my heart broken. I had gotten rejected, but that's different. I like someone; he doesn't feel the same way; it sucks; I move on. (Remember my phases?) I learned now that this is more of an ego bruise than anything else. Rejection made me just want to eat junk food or run or listen to music or do anything to make me feel better, but with heartbreak there is no physical thing in the world that you can think of to make you feel better. I didn't want to sleep or eat or talk or anything... I just wanted to wake up from this obvious bad dream.

And one of the worst things in the world is looking at someone who once thought the world of you and having them look at you like you were a lamp.

Well the only thing about starting so low on my birthday is that it can only go up, right?

Happy Birthday to me.

one day i won't regret this

over. done. finished. gone.

All these words have a definite boundary and ending point. I think those words only work for the people on that side. The side that does all the talking. The side that has been planning this. The side holding the gun. The side that's sorry, but can't fix it. The side that isn't desperately hoping this is all a dream or parallel universe. The people on that side say these words, and it's over for them. They wake up the next morning and move on without the heavy burden of a broken, broken heart.

The people on the other side don't have the luxury of this clean breakaway. They are left alone, shocked into numbness and insomnia--trying to dam up their feelings until it causes them to shake and cry on the floor as they try to drown out the big gaping Why? that's pounding in their brains. And then there is that overwhelming responsibility of a million heart pieces that need to be put back together.

I was never very good with puzzles.

funk

Just watch me single handedly destroy one of the best things going in my life right now.

Just watch.

Once a freak-outer, always a freak-outer.

post script

Can I also just say that I'm ecstatic because now I don't look quite so much like a pathetic, does-nothing-with-her-life loser next to the boy with a 4.0 and perfect Spanish who gets a promotion at work for being an exemplary teacher and who is really all-out wonderful in every single way...

whirlwind

When life starts getting really good, I forget to blog, and then all my posts just sound whiny and melodramatic and depressing.

A lot of things in my life are up in the air right now, but I hope at least one of them is here to stay. :)

Life is good. So so so good.

so...

I'm a little on cloud nine today.

It doesn't even matter that it's still freezing outside when it's almost May.

I'm just saying.

:)

Just saying

This is perhaps my most favorite thing.

In a yellow wood

Getting married sounds really foreign to me. Honestly. I know you may be thinking that deep down I'm really desperate and masking this desperation by nonchalant apathy towards the subject.

But really. When I think of me married, it just doesn't seem to fit. Love and romance just aren't my game.

I've just been thinking about this because lately it seems all of my friends have been getting married. I think when I was younger, I would fantasize about getting married because at 12 that's what you think you're supposed to expect will happen. Then you approach that age range where it can potentially happen to you, and it suddenly doesn't fit in your plan anymore. You realize more and more that maybe you are not cut out for that life pathway. Maybe there are so many things you can do without it. Maybe Robert Frost was right.


"Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference."

p.s. I don't mean for all my posts to sounds depressing. I'm actually pretty okay with life right now. I just miss my friends that disappear because of marriage. It kind of sucks being replaced, but that's life.

Mark My Words (katie)

Depending on how well you know me, you might know that I've never been "in a relationship." (whatever that phrase even means because technically I have a lot of "relationships" with people and who kidnapped the word into only letting it signify certain kinds...okay getting didactic and off-topic.) Anyway, I always tell Katie things I wouldn't do when I actually get one (as if it were the next iphone or something...ha). She told me to write it down, so that she can prove me wrong, but she doesn't know that I'M NEVER WRONG.

Things I will never do when in a relationship:
--Use a baby voice
--Use ridiculous pet names
--Time suck the living room (This is when you hang out and cuddle/have tender moments in the public area of your apartment so that everyone else feels awkward coming in and are forced to stay in their rooms.)
--Abandon all my other friends
--Become dependent

That's all for now.

I'm kind of in a cynical mood right now.

Drifter mode

On a side note, I changed my blog so that only google account users can comment. Hopefully this will eliminate the Asian spam... So in case any readers wanted to come out of the woodwork and comment, that's what you'll need.

Anyway, I've been thinking about dating recently and this little thing called the "fade out" or as some friends called it, drifter mode.

Definition: Drifter mode is when you realize you made a mistake or are simply not interested in someone at all or anymore, and in result, you avoid all contact with that person to communicate this fact.

My thoughts? It's immature and cowardly. Have some gumption people!

I have been victim to the fade-out. I think a lot of people have. Some fade-outs are more abrupt than others, but they always leave you in a humiliating stupor as you find yourself standing alone realizing you did have an attachment that was cut without your knowledge. You are dumbfounded and speechless as you try to fumble with all the feelings left on your doorstep, overflowing in an old cardboard box. You reorganized your shelves too soon. Now you have to find room for all these unwanted feelings. You realize that you leaped a little too far, but hit reality on the way down. You make excuses for the silence to buffer utter confusion. The whole process in general is just so unbecoming to everyone involved.

I used to get hung up over these things, and maybe I still do in a way, but becoming okay with oneself does wonders for a person's coping skills. I don't recite stale cliches or movie quotations to get through this like, "No guy is worth your tears...blah blah blah." I understand that some people use the fade-out as an attempt to avoid confrontation. It doesn't work, but of course it would be nice if it did. Some people use it because they have a complete lack of consideration for other human beings. It is an act of egocentricity. Luckily, these people are a few and far between...hopefully. I think the fade-out drives me crazy because I love information. I crave it, but not because I'm nosy or gossipy; I just like knowing. Not knowing leaves me to my own potentially destructive imagination. I've learned that I can't have all the answers, and I can't expect people to hand me everything that I want to be comfortable.

All I can do is change myself. I try to make it a priority to be honest and upfront. I don't consider myself a huge heartbreaker or anything, but I'm sorry if I have ever been a perpetrator of the fade-out. I know how it feels, and I would hate if I have ever done it to someone else.

In the end, I'm okay. Actually better than that :) So, no hard feelings.

Moral: Honesty is the best policy, but so is forgiveness.

'Tis the season

Since it is the season of proposals, engagements, weddings, and other love festivities, I thought I would set some guidelines in case my future spouse is a blog-stalker.

Dear Future Fiancé,
Don’t even think about:
-taking me ring shopping before you propose. Anticlimactic much?
-buying me a diamond. I’ll blog about this later, but suffice it to say now, I don’t do cliché.
-proposing on Temple Square--for the previously stated reason.
-proposing on Valentine’s Day.

No offense to anyone who has done these things. It’s just not me. That’s all.

Fish

Disclaimer: I am not dating anyone right now, so this is not based on anyone in particular or my current situation. This is just an opinion I've had for a long time, and I'm just posting it in cyberworld.

The dilemma: I absolutely despise and disagree with the "fish in the sea" theory of dating. It is used when people break up, and a well meaning friend says, "well, there are plenty of fish in the sea..." (Like that even helps?!?) It is also used to give advice on how to date. Many people support the idea that you have to date a lot of people--like they are fish in the sea--in order to really find the one you want to be with. Sometimes when people are afraid of commitment, their excuse is, "I feel like I just haven't dated enough..."

People are people--not fish. They are individual and without a heirarchy system. Some people think this incessant "shopping around" is to ensure you get the "best deal," so to speak. That's borderline pathetic. Sometimes people are just naively led astray to believe this actually works, so I only kind of blame them for not thinking for themselves.

A possible solution: Appreciate people for the unique people they are. If you have this "shopping around" mentality, nothing will ever seem good enough. When do you stop? How do you know something better isn't still out there? Is this the best you can do? ???!!!! This only inspires insecurity in your abilities and your (insert romantic partner label here).

Of course I agree with moderate dating and having fun and meeting people. But when your intent is to find the best one out there, I think you're going about it all wrong. Life is about creating not finding or stumbling upon. If you want a relationship, create it. If you want friendship, create it. If you want love, create it. Love is a choice. I don't really believe that people fall in love without their own consent. You choose to love people because love is more of an action than a feeling. When two people realize that they are compatible in the important areas, it's up to them to create the rest and make it work. Some people fear that one day they will wake up and just not be in love with their certain person anymore. This is where my mentality is helpful. You create the love between you two. If it is something you just "find" one day, you'll have this fear that it will be gone just as quickly as you supposedly found it. If you want a relationship to work out, it all depends on the effort and nurturing you give to it. Yes, there are exceptions to every rule; people can change significantly;circumstances can turn a relationship sour, etc. But for the most part, you create what you want to have.

In my life, I don't feel this intense urge to date as many people as possible before I get married. I appreciate the dating experiences I've had; the numbers are not astronomical, but I've met some really worthwhile people in the process. When I start to date someone I feel compatible with, I believe I can feel fulfilled and create a relationship even though I haven't dated every single person at BYU to know if that person is "the one."

Bottom line: You are in charge of the love you have in your life because you create it. I think I've drilled that point enough...