Seattle, Seattle

I just love this city.

Lauren, Roxanne, Ricky, and I took the bus up to Seattle yesterday. (We are eco-friendly citizens! ...or we just don't like parking.) Here are some highlights:

--We dubbed ourselves after Sex and the City characters. Of course, I got stuck with Miranda, the serious friend.

--Pike Place, of course. We were looking at jewelry from one vendor, and the conversation went something like this: [With Asian accent] Vendor (to Ricky): You are lucky man! You have three beautiful lady! You buy for all of them!

Ricky: Um...no...

Vendor: Yes, you lucky man. You must come from Utah!

Oh how wrong this man was on so many levels. First, we are all poor college students, so no one is buying anything for anyone. Second, I am Mormon, and we most definitely do not have three wives. Wrong church. Third, Ricky is gay. So having "three beautiful lady" is not that lucky.

--We found a divine Indian lunch buffet called Kastoori? It was just a hole-in-the-wall kind of place, but it was so good! And with unlimited naan bread? Don't mind if I do!

--Window shopping. We walked through Nordstrom and ogled over all the beautiful shoes we couldn't afford. The salespeople didn't give us the time of day probably because we were in flip-flops. We went to The Rack instead. (I realized though that clothes and shoes are nice, but they really aren't everything. I mean, $700 for Manolo Blahniks? Send me to Spain instead!)

--We found another restaurant/cafe to get cocktails at. I, being the non-alcohol friend, drank my weight in water because it was so hot outside.

--Losing track of time, realizing we had 20 minutes to catch the last train out of Seattle, and running with a full bladder across the city with three other tipsies= not such a good idea. While I was running, some guy gave me a flyer to join a gym. I guess my stride needs a little work.

--Running through a mass of hobos. I've never felt so guilty or paranoid for owning a purse before.

--On the train back, we met a man named John, who in a nutshell was probably just lonely and had a crush on Ricky. Poor guy. I'm glad we could keep him company. He has six books that he is going to publish one day, so watch out New York Times bestsellers!

All in all, it was just another day in the Seattle life.

? & Tanya

So I'm watching My Best Friend's Wedding, and I just have one request for the universe.

Can I please have a British, gay friend too? Or maybe just a gay friend like Will from Will & Grace? Or maybe just a guy friend?

You know what? How about just a friend here in Bonney Lake?

Provo, I miss you.

22 the aftermath

Yesterday was actually greater than I thought it would be. I felt an outpouring of love from friends, family, strangers (that give me rides home--only in Provo), and especially God.

And I had a quiet feeling that everything is going to be okay even if it hurts for awhile. That was probably the best present.

I don't know what I'm doing, but here's to the first step of moving on--wherever that may be.

dreariness is so last week

Then the sun starts coming out.

Then I talk with real people about real things and make up summer adventure lists and drink slurpees when it's freezing and spend the whole night laughing.

Then I listen to Priscilla Ahn's "Good Day" song the next morning.

And I start to feel optimistic again.

Bitter

So I realized today that of my close friends, I have no single girl friends left. Actually Matt and Cory are the only single friends I have left at all (in Utah).

I'm not bitter that I don't have a relationship. I'm bitter because I wish everyone was single like the good ol' days, which means there was stuff to do.

Now being single really means single--as in alone, by myself, watching Psych or 30 Rock or some other show and/or doing homework.

Most people don't know what it is truly like to be single.

space

It's Tuesday night of Thanksgiving break, and I'm already bored. I don't know what to do with myself without an impending test or paper. I guess I could actually get ahead on my work. Now that would be a novel idea.

I went with a [male] friend to see Harry Potter. I guess I couldn't wait for the dollar theater. It's really nice to watch a movie with someone and not have to analyze your positioning or hand-holding signals. I was never really good at that anyway. It's nice to just be friends with people. No pressure. No miscommunication. No drama.

But as we walked through the mall afterward, (because my sister had to pick us up like we were back in junior high--the joys of being vehicle-less) he said something along the lines of how boys judge/critique other boys based on the girl with which they are accompanied. Cue overanalyzation: Are you slightly embarrassed to be walking with me because people might assume you are dating me? (and I'm definitely not a girl you would date, I know that...) The thought just crossed my mind, as these types of thoughts are wont to do. I just never want people to think I'm trying to pull something that I'm not trying to pull.

This also makes me think of the fact that people have a hard time accepting the reality of platonic relationships between males and females. I hung out with one of my best friends, Matt, all summer. However, I was questioned all summer whether we were dating or if "something was going on." People evidently trust traditional archetypes of friendship over obvious body language. If people watched our interaction, they would find nothing to suggest romantic attraction. We just have fun and joke around and have each other's backs. And I treat him the same as Adam and Cory because we are all equally good friends; they just weren't here this summer.

That was a tangent, but whatever. This is my blog.

confession

I'm going to try to make this vague.

I have a friend that is one of those music commandos. This means that her music choices trump everyone else's. It's always her ipod that is used to play in the car, the room, whatever. Normally I'm pretty chill with people's music choices, and I can learn to appreciate a lot of types.

But there is something about her purely hip-hop choices that just makes me want to throw her ipod home off a cliff. I even like some hip-hop, but I feel like the particular facet of hip-hop she likes is the exact type that I loathe.

But I really enjoy her as a friend.

Love the music player. Hate the music.

KT

I had a lovely chat with Katie today. We figured out some things about ourselves.

We hate pressure.
We like friends.

But how much time is time enough? Well, that still remains the question of the universe.

Wendover!

To start in the middle of a story, I was in the parking lot of a casino as my gambling friend Matt tried to take a picture of me. I dodged the situation because I was too embarrassed to post it all over facebook, which typically happens with these kinds of trips. A couple days later Matt told me I needed to come out of the gambling closet. So since there is no photo evidence of me, this is my cyber-coming out. I went to Wendover, as trashy as it sounds, played some Blackjack, as sinful as it sounds, and had a damn good time, as unlike me as that sounds.

So I turned 21 in May, but I never got to do anything to celebrate my 21-ness. About a month ago, my two friends Matt and Matt were talking about Wendover, and I expressed desire to go, which apparently is a surprising thing to find in the Provo bubble.

We let the idea simmer, and then one Friday night I found myself driving to Wendover. I don't even know how it really happened.

Net Ionic Equation of the trip (gah, too much chemistry on the brain): I had a lot of fun, but was probably a little too intense about my excitement being a first-timer that was wired on caffeine, sleep-deprived, loopy, and all. Poor Matt to have to deal with that.

The Good: I did something new, and I got to know someone a little better in the process.
The Bad: Okay, maybe I lost some money, but it was nothing that I wasn't planning on losing anyway.
The Ugly: The dealer was a jerk and half. It was my first time! Give me a break for touching the cards with both hands. And don't call me "honey." It's creepy and condescending. I have a problem with arbitrary rules for which I don't understand the basis.

I also learned that people at casinos take themselves way too seriously. Lighten up people!

Because of my bad blackjack experience with the dealer, I came home obsessed with the game. I kind of seriously want to learn how to count cards and basically be a blackjack ninja. I've already started... It's actually quite intense.

We

...are not that different from each other.

I find more truth in that statement every day.

Today is March 5th and my best friend Lauren's 21st birthday!

Dear Cyberspace,

Here are 21 reasons why Lauren is amazing:

1. She's down to earth.
2. She's one of the most thoughtful people I know.
3. She writes the best notes, yearbook signings, letters, etc. She just has a way with words...
4. She finds the funniest youtube videos.
5. She is an exquisite dancer and has never backed down on that dream.
6. She perseveres through hard times.
7. She has unimaginable strength of character.
8. She is braver than I ever could be.

9. She makes excellent CD mixes...(I miss those.)

10. She's vegetarian...naturally :)

11. She is beautiful inside and out.

12. She is who she is and is comfortable with that.

13. She is temperate.

14. She understands.

15. She stays the same...in a good way. No matter how many years pass, Lauren is always the Lauren I met in sixth grade.

16. She is independent and makes her own decisions.

17. She sticks by friends in their times of need.

18. She is natural, calm, and collected.

19. She is a Ben&Jerry's enthusiast, which means she knows quality.

20. She is graceful in every sense of the word.

21. She has been my best, truest friend for 10 years (?!!) and I've enjoyed every minute of her company in that time.

Happy Birthday Lauren!

"Mary! Mary! Why ya buggin?"

I love Mary Blackburn!

Just had to post that to the world.

We discovered each other a year ago, when we realized we had the same classes, hopes, dreams, etc.

Mary is amazing. I love her.

Boys

Yes, sometimes they are obnoxious or immature or confusing.

But they give you straight answers; they don't play games (the good ones don't at least); they're honest to your face even if it risks hurting your feelings; they have a different perspective...

And they make some of the best friends.

Dear Matt & Adam,

I love you guys! I don't know what I'd do without you!

we'll crucify the insincere tonight

I love postsecret.com (warning: sometimes people send in secrets with objectionable topics or images.)

Anyway, yesterday I told someone all the secrets I've ever had. It was scary and liberating at the same time. The point of postsecret is to show people that we all have human connections beneath our secrets. Letting out our secrets frees us from the walls we build around ourselves. We're too afraid to find out that someone might find out who we really are. Or we let these deep dark secrets define us and bring us down until we realize that we are more than just our flaws and insecurities and bad decisions.

That's what I learned last night.

Thx

Only Ashley Smith understands that title. haha. I miss those days of Tingey Hall. I really do.

So...it's Thanksgiving. I'm home. Everything fits right. Everything feels right. My bed is how I remembered it. My house smells the same. The dishes are just where I expect them to be. I still remember every one. Even at my apartment I'm always wishing I had that exact dish that I used at home. It was the right size, right material. I love being home. I love remembering the simplest things that I took for granted.

But I'm having a Wordsworth-ian moment where I realize as much as I reminisce over these things of my past. I can never go back to that time. I will never be able to live here everyday. Lauren will never be at her same house for me to go to. I will never use my dresser again or my desk. I will never go to "regular" high school (not that I really want to go back).

I want to be optimistic about the future though. I have really great friends in Provo. I've been so lucky to meet people that I just click with. Yes, school is stressful and dance is frustrating, but I laugh a lot. I talk a lot. I experience a lot. I live a lot.

It seems though that every relationship or experience you have to eventually put in the dresser drawer of "the past." I can't wait until I meet that person or those people that I get to take into the future with me. And I don't have to worry about the eventually. Eventually this will end or eventually we will go our separate ways.

That is why I'm so grateful for my family more than anything else. They are my past and future. We evolve together.

Happy Thanksgiving