ugggghhhhh

Concert is actually more fun than I thought it would be.

But I have a sugar coma right now. I want to pass out and vomit and curl in a ball all at the same time.

Dear Body,

Please do not blow up like a balloon tomorrow. I still need to fit in my costumes.

Thanks,

Tanya

wah wah wah

Is it bad that I really don't care about the ballroom concert this weekend? Let's face it. It's the Tour Team's show as it should be. My one little number is really just so they can change costumes. I just miss the days when I used to be on top, and dancing in shows was such an adrenaline rush from costume change to costume change. This weekend I'll mostly just be sitting around with tons of make-up on my face, but it's kind of a waste of getting ready in the end.

Whatever. I'm just complaining. I'm glad I just get to be a part of it, even though it falls on the worst. weekend. ever.

Oh well. Just keep swimming. Here's to hoping something else will brighten my weekend! (as foolish as it may be...)

feet

Dancing is really wonderful and all, but if effs up your feet.

Not only do they crack and bleed and blister and ache, but they are generally deformed by the scarring and callousing of these maladies. I dread sandal season when I have to reveal the monsters in their full gnarly glory. I guess that is the one good thing about winter.

Foot fetishists beware. It will never work out between us.

tryouts

I had tryouts today for dance to see who will be moved up to higher teams. There's nothing like looking like a Latin diva at 6 a.m.

I think it went well though. But Part II is on Thursday, so I better not speak too soon.

I'm used to tryouts though. I've been doing it for awhile. And the thing is, it's never about a one time dance in front of your instructors. We've been "trying out" all year essentially. As a dancer I have gotten used to this idea that I'm always being watched, always trying out. You can't have a bad day or a mess up or a do-over.

Sometimes I feel like this concept applies to my life in more ways than one.

dancesport recap

So dancesport was actually pretty successful this weekend. Okay, ballroom (standard) was kind of sucky, even though I love my dress, but I don't feel too bad because I didn't put in a lot of practice for it. However, my latin partner and I made semifinals in pre-champ and novice. (Pre-champ is a higher level for people not familiar with ballroom terms.) I seriously wasn't even planning on making a round in pre-champ. After the quarter final, my partner even changed because we were certain that we didn't make it to the next round. Let me tell you though, it is so incredible looking up at the screen and seeing your little number in black and white. The other thing is that making a round gets exponentially harder because every round is cut down by half every time. Every time you dance again, your competition is more concentrated with advanced dancers.

Thanks to Allison for capturing this photo. I don't love my profile (because I hate my nose), but I really love the essence of this picture because it seems so still and quiet in a place that was definitely the opposite. For some reason, I just really resonate with the feeling this photo gives me.

Anyway, it was the best Dancesport I've competed thus far at BYU. And I'm not saying that I'm this super awesome dancer, but the reason my partner and I did well is because we worked really hard. Thank you 6 am-8 am rehearsals every. single. day; and our doubles on Fridays and Saturdays.

nationals

So. Much. To. Do.

It's not even funny. BUT, the tender mercy of the day is that my evolutionary biology test is now next Friday instead of this Friday. Luckily, most of my stuff needs to be done by Wednesday anyway, then I can live at the Marriot Center all weekend. Hello fake tan, nails, eyelashes, hairspray, gel, hairspray, rhinestones, hairspray...can't wait!!

(BTW: X-10.5 today. I reached my first goal for Nationals!)

And to top it off...

Competition was okay. I should have been in a better mood. I'm just tired of being on a plateau.

Meh. That's all I have to say about my actual dancing.

It was a lot of fun watching everyone else though. I learned a lot. Stronger, faster, cleaner. That's the new goal.

On a different note, I woke up sick--like cold to the bones, aching muscles, congestion, and fatigue (thank you Amp for getting me through today).

I hate being sick and alone at college. I wish my mom was here.

It has commenced

It's dancesport. (!!!)

Then why do I feel like garbage? Maybe because I need more sleep and more talent.

We will see. We will see.

Tatiana

Dancesport is this weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love it. I love everything about it. I may not be the best dancer out there, but I love the adrenaline, the hair, the make-up, the professionals, the costumes, the energy. I always come back with a resolve to be better and work harder.

Tickets are $8 if you care to stop by and see my alter ego Tatiana.

Tatiana is the Russian form of my name. Russians pretty much dominate the dance world, so that is the reason for creating this Russian persona. They are clean, sharp, fast, fierce, and passionate. When I'm in costume on the floor, I get to be someone else (or maybe just express a very hidden facet of myself...)

I just love it. Happy Dancesport!

strictly ballroom

I wish I could make my body do what my heart and mind want it to do.

Why did I not start dance when I was three like everyone else in the world seems to have done? I'm fast to learn choreography but slow to learn technique. Very slow. This always become apparent when I watch myself on video, and it looks like the day I started dancing.

I don't every think I've ever enjoyed watching myself dance. Sometimes things will look okay in the mirror, but something always happens from the mirror to the camera. All the sudden every movement is messy and ugly and depressing. I get really jealous of other people's opportunities sometimes--almost to the point where I feel sick to my stomach. I feel so helpless that I can't turn back time.

I'm just stuck. Why do I love something that I'm so terrible at?

Earthquake

My movement is shaky--says my dance coach from our lesson today. I need to utilize this thing called my core. I hear that term so often, but what does it even mean??

Meh. I guess I'm just waiting for it to all click.

On another note, I was in my reproductive physiology class and we were all discussing journal articles that we had found. As I sat there I just thought, "I LOVE SCIENCE!!!" There are so many things to study.

How do I pick just one?

Vegas!

I just went to Vegas for the weekend for a dance competition. Everyone always asks how I do, and I just want to say, I'm not that good, but it's okay. I learn a lot, and I enjoy a lot. My partner and I have a long way to go. It's hard to stay constructive about the experience. Part of me is sitting on the edge of the floor desperately wishing I had ten years of previous dance training and hyperextended knees and the ability to move and spin like lightning. I develop such a hatred for what my body cannot do. I see so many people who actually have success in their dance endeavors, and I cannot help but flush green with envy. I start developing these grandiose dreams of moving to New York, getting a Russian partner, and spending all extra money on dance lessons. On the edge of the floor, nothing else seems to matter.

But a flush is all it is. Then I come back to reality. I'm grateful for what my body can do. I have ten more years to work on everything I want to. Success is individual.

I just want to live up to my ridiculous standards, that's all.

Summer Dancesport

This will hopefully be short since I still have my ridiculously long nails on, which makes typing very difficult.

Dancesport was pretty fun. I always get there and wish I had practiced more. I'm not super competitive with others, but I am with myself. I don't really care about winning, but when I get there I always wish that I could win--not that I deserve to in the least, but I wish that I was talented enough to win if that makes sense. My partner works a lot, so we don't get a lot of practice time together, which means I need to do a lot of mirror work by myself. Even this doesn't save me when we get on the floor sometimes.

I just hate feeling stupid. I hate when a dance is an utter disaster, and you look completely inept next to everyone, and you're hoping for a stroke of grace to give you another chance to bring you back to the next round, which you know will never happen because ballroom judges cannot afford to be merciful, which I guess helps you in the long run.

I did get second in the tango for a class competition though. Not as intense, I know, but it is kind of exhilarating actually being in a final. That's never happened to me before.

Anyway, despite the non-success, I looked hot yesterday (in dance terms), and I still love ballroom. That's really all that matters. (Okay not really...but it's part of the big picture.)

The Big Lewandowski

I've danced more in this past week than...I can't even remember. My feet ache from being a constant three inches taller. My legs are being retrained to rotate more when I stand on them. I'm discovering my core and that it's lower than I think. My center is actually my spine, and it is used as a handy little axis on which I spin. I'm placing my weight better. I'm using my arms more naturally. At the same time, all this body fixing sends me through an awkward dance phase, where my body is challenged to move up in the next level of mature movement.

It's Adult Ballroom Dance Camp, which is where professionals come to BYU, and you just take technique classes all day. They have different levels, and most of us on the team take the most advanced since they don't get too hard. Sometimes I go to a lower level because it has a better teacher or a better dance being taught. There are a lot of social dances that are taught, which aren't my forte or my favorite. Give me technique and structure!

There is this one teacher, Izabela Lewandowski, who is amazing. I love her lines; I love her body; I love her energy; I love her interpretation; I love her technique; I love her artistry; I love her style. She just moves with such ease and speed. Her classes are always really gritty as far as technique goes. We do pretty basic moves even in an advanced class, but we tear each step to shreds in order to define the whole body action of the step. It really just blows my mind.

All this dancing makes me frantic that I only have a year left to get as good as I can possibly be.

And then what?

Concert: The aftermath

This weekend was Ballroom in Concert. We had a Friday evening, Saturday matinee, and Saturday evening show. Here's the breakdown:

Cons: -I got no homework done.
-I used more makeup and makeup remover in three days than in my entire lifetime.
-I'll probably break out this week because of that.
-Early morning rehearsals at 6:30 a.m. in preparation.
-Bruises on my legs from bumping too many arm rests in the Marriot Center.
-Damaged hair from hairspray, blow dry, hair spray, blow dry to make my hair super shiny.
-I felt guilty for not selling very many tickets...and by "very many" I mean zero...

Pros: -I finally got to be in concert, instead of watching it this year.
-I started to like my costumes.
-I still got to watch some amazing dancing from the side.
-I entertained people.
-I felt busy.
-My old coaches Brent and Katie came down for the alumni number. Brent found me afterwards, and we chatted for a bit. It was really nice knowing that someone knew me in the stands, since my family couldn't come. And I didn't feel like he was judging me for not being on Tour Team. I've always really respected Brent and his passion and Katie and her creativity.
-Even though my face will hate me, I love getting ready for shows with the dramatic makeup and hair.
-I felt legit walking through the Marriot with full hair and makeup. (Hey, no one knows I'm on the lowly 10:00 team.)
-Just another opportunity to dance and perform :)


Next mission: Get a partner.

Dancesport

It's exhilarating and depressing at the same time.

It's depressing because I get so jealous of these kids who have these programs when they are five years-old and they have the potential to be the best dancers they can be. I didn't start dancing until I was 15, and even then, it was mostly social dancing and not very technique driven. I loved my years on Pacific, but I wish I was ten years younger and could start in their program the way it is now, which is intense, and I love that. I get depressed that dance has faded out in my life. I just didn't have the in like a lot of people did. I didn't have background dance experience to master balance and grace. I didn't have the competitive drive that Utah kids were so accostumed to. I didn't know about the politics of everything until a little too late. I got older; I need to graduate; I have other commitments... I just can't give everything to dance anymore, and I guess I never could have. I'm not competing this year in dancesport, and it kills me. I just wish I could find a partner that I was in sync with that I could just go out there and have fun with. That's all.

Nevertheless, Dancesport is still exhilarating. I've realized this one thing: I don't have to be amazing at something to absolutely love it. Sometimes I think I'm not worthy to say I'm a dancer or I really love ballroom. But I am, and I do. I love how when a samba is blasting in the Marriot, my heart beats to 1--a 2, 3--a 4. I love how the waltz makes me hold my breath until count 3 again. I love not being able to carry on a conversation because I'm so mesmerized by the people on the floor. I love not being able to control the urge to choreograph a little routine in my head when a song comes on. I love the fake tans, the fake nails, the fake hair, the fake eyelashes, but the real passion that drenches the air. So am I the world's greatest dancer? No. But I still have the right to love it with all my heart and dance whenever I feel like it.

Dancesport will always be one of my favorite weekends of the year.

mediocre

I feel like I haven't given forth my best effort this semester, which has really been showing up in my test scores lately. It is really frustrating, but I can't blame anyone by myself. I really waste my time sometimes. Sometimes it's not just a waste of time, but it still affects my school work. I feel like I have been sliding downward since high school. I was really on top of things back then. I guess we all have a bad semester now and then. I'm pumped for winter though. I am so making a come back....

Well dancesport is over...for now. I really just want to get better , but I don't know how. I have been dancing around my apartment non-stop because I'm just on a high. Ballroom really is what keeps me sane--ironic because most of the time I am ignoring people dancing around my apartment thinking about certain dance moves and obsessing over every last toe point. As much as I get teared down and critiqued and corrected and told that my technique resembles a 185 student and that I look like this [insert embarrassing rendition of my dancing by brent keck] and as much as I get discouraged and as much as I cry, I absolutely cling to my dream of making the ballroom team and getting into gold bar classes and coming back to washington to teach and give back to the wonderful program of Pacific Ballroom Dance that has enhanced my life so beautifully. I cannot even express what PBDC did for me. I have a drive and a passion for something in life. I have a talent to improve upon. It gave me something I care about. It gave me a challenge to rise to. I never ever want to stop dancing. It runs through my blood to my fingertips. I am always dancing. Even when I walk to class, if you look closely, my hands twist and extend because I am performing a routine in my head and it shoots to the ends of my hands because that's all I can do without appearing too odd. I often feel so behind of the people who started dancing at age three, blah blah blah. I discovered dance so much later, and I am at a disadvantage, but I figure that I have eternity to be a better dancer, so I shouldn't get too sad.

That's all for now.