for the futura

Note to self: Don't buy bulk-sized shampoo/conditioner! (You can use this as a note to yourself too.)

If I have learned anything in 22 years, it is that I have shampoo ADD. (For brevity's sake, I will only write shampoo, but I will always mean shampoo and conditioner.) I've heard that changing your shampoo more than occasionally and less than frequently (can't think of the precise word, and I'm too lazy to thesaurus that sh--) is actually good for your hair.

...5 minutes later...

Okay, I actually did thesaurus it, and I still couldn't find the right word. I'm tentatively resting on the word 'consistently'... basically, on a 1-2 month schedule. (I actually made up that time frame, so don't take my word for it.)

To simplify all this rambling: Changing your shampoo=good.

Back to the point. With this semi-reliable knowledge, I've decided that there must be an evolutionary basis for my condition. Mother Nature wants me to have really great hair.

Okay, that wasn't even the point. The point is that I have shampoo ADD (and judging by this post, maybe real ADD too...) The other point is that I really love showers--for many reasons--but mostly for the shampoo. I actually get really excited inside when I have to shower at a friend's house because NEW SHAMPOO!! Sometimes though, the friend happens to have the same shampoo as me, and it is the biggest. letdown. of. the. world.

(This post is turning out longer than I thought it would be.)

The real, REAL point of all that background and medical/psychological history is to say this: I bought the Costco* brand shampoo two years ago. I realized it didn't smell that great (and by not that great, I mean kind of like vomit.) But it was vegan and eco-animal-friendly and all-natural and gluten-free. (?? Is someone planning on eating the shampoo?) So I suffered through it, but it lasted FOR-E-VER. Sometimes I would buy other brands to give me a break, but I always had to go back to the horribly, guilt-free, bulk-sized shampoo. I tried to be wasteful with it. I used it for body wash and shaving cream. And let's face it, sometimes I even just poured it down the drain little bits at a time, but I still left behind a half-empty (or half-full...) bottle of shampoo in my old apartment.

Coming home meant new shampoo (!), so the first day I skipped into the bathroom, dropped my little towel, drew back the curtain, and to my horror--not a serial killer, worse--

sitting on the edge of the tub was that god-forsaken Costco brand shampoo.

(Noooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!)

I have had no will to shower for the past two months. I do it of course, out of necessity, but never delight. It's noon, and I'm sitting here on the computer dreading the responsibility of showering because if I have to use that shampoo one more time, I'm going to kill myself.**

Shampoo is a weird word. It was kind of annoying to write it so many times.

*Dear Costco, please don't sue me for libel. I love your products--just not your shampoo because I've been using it far too long, and it is void of fragrance.

**This is NOT a cry for help. Please look up the word 'hyperbole' in the dictionary to understand my rhetoric.