On leaving

I spent over a year questioning, doubting, and proverbially crunching the numbers of a religion that just didn't seem to add up. I wrestled; I worked; I tried to stretch my beliefs so wide that Mormonism could still plausibly fit inside--until it didn't. Around this time I had lunch with an old friend. It was one of the first safe spaces I felt I could be completely honest about what I believed. After reciting my laundry list of the ways my heart and mind deviated from the orthodoxy I had grown up with, my friend said, "I honestly don't know how you are going to stay in the church."

This terrified me.

But it also made me confront a the very real possibility that I was going to have to find a way to make my life work without Mormonism.

If I had a phrase to encompass this time in my life it would be this: "Learn to let go of that which does not serve you."

I suppose someone could read that and think it very selfish. Quite the contrary. By cutting out the parts of my life that were not helping me grow, I was able to make room for things that did. I created more room for joy and discovery. And ultimately I can contribute in a much more authentic way. Being at war with myself only made me shrink and withdraw. While desperately clutching to Mormonism and trying to foster new beliefs, I became less connected to both. So I let go of that which was not serving me.

The biggest thing I feel is relief--relief of letting go of the burden of living a life that pleases other people. Did my life suddenly turn to sunshine and rainbows? Nope. I still am struggling through the human experience just like everyone else. But I feel hopeful and a restored sense of wonder and curiosity.

I was led to think that doubt was this terribly, unconstructive state of mind. And I would say, by its nature, yes, it is corrosive. But have you ever stripped paint or varnish? Something that breaks things down by nature actually in the end, can lead you to an original state, a new start. It reveals the "unvarnished truth."

"Learn to let go of that which does not serve you." In this act, you will have the energy to cultivate what does.

You've changed.

One time I was walking in Provo, and that was written on the sidewalk: "You've changed."  I'm still deciding what that means for me. I feel like I've changed a lot, and I feel like I've always been me.  Maybe I believe the general core of who we are stays the same, but the way that gets expressed changes.

I will dispense some of those changes now. 

Religiosity and spirituality have always been a large part of my identity. I've also always been very observant, empathetic, and intellectual. These all used to live in harmony; I used to display those qualities through the lens of my religion. Over the last year or so, that lens started to break down, and some of the parts of my identity were at odds with one another. Slowly I started observing patterns and policies in my church organization that were not so faith-promoting, and I felt my intellect was betraying me when the reasoning for my religious belief started to not add up. And I felt surges of empathy for people who were in pain because of a religion that I loved. 

Needless to say, it's been a tough year.

[Warning: Unavoidable mentioning of Robert Frost's "The Road Not Taken" in all it's banal glory.]

I really love "The Road Not Taken" in a very 8th grader-y way. But I remember a line later in the poem where he tells himself that he will leave the first path for another day (because totes obvs he was experiencing serious FOMO), but he says, "Yet knowing how way leads on to way/ I doubted if I should ever come back." 

And I totally get it. There are some things that you just can turn back on or unlearn or un-see or believe the way you used to.

This has all been very broad, so let's get into some specifics.

I find absolute truth claims and ultimate appeals to authority to be problematic. This means, while I love the LDS church, I don't believe it is the only way to God and that we don't have any special communication with Him that others don't. When I let go of those things, it made it a lot easier and harder to be Mormon.  Not everyone believes in Progressive or Big-Tent Mormonism, but I do. I believe there is room for everyone at the table. And a person can use Mormonism in whatever way will help them be their highest self. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Some people condescendingly call this "picking and choosing," but I see it as living authentically. 

Live your truth and live your peace.  This is a very difficult thing to do.

Girl Power?

It's Women's Conference.  Ugggghhhhhhh.

For those of you who don't know what that is, I'll break it down.

Women's Conference is when a flood of females (the majority being middle-aged) flock to BYU campus and geek out for two days while listening to speakers, going to classes, bogging up traffic, and ignoring the red hand on the crosswalk signs.  They leave with a new found sense of pride in the fact that they have vaginas...or two X chromosomes...or maybe just a duplicate copy of a DAX1 gene..or some other way of identifying as cis-females.  That's all I really know.  I've never actually been to it, so admittedly I'm not an expert.

I had a moment of true embarrassment for my gender when I was walking through a sports building and there was a sign taped to the wall that said: "Women's Conference: This is a men's locker room.  This is NOT a bathroom" right next to the "Men's Locker Room" sign by the door.

Seriously?  They need a sign telling them an entrance is leading to a men's locker room literally next to the men's locker room sign.

How many times did this mix-up occur that it warranted this redundant sign?

I don't really want to know.

Rainy Days and Mondays

Sometimes I will start out a post by apologizing to cyberspace for my absence.  Then, I think, "mmm....better not."

I think apologizing is a lovely art--don't get me wrong.  The world would be a better place if we could learn how to genuinely say sorry to people we may have hurt.  I also think there's a point where apologizing goes too far.  I find myself throwing sorry around like my clothes after a long day.  Do I actually fold those clothes and put them away? No.  I throw them in the general vicinity of my laundry hamper with the intent of actually thinking about them later.  It would be better if I were more intentional with my language than that.  I think this attitude is where the "sorry not sorry"  phrase originated.  People realized, "hey, I'm not actually sorry," so I'm not going to lie that I am. However, the lack the confidence to own it, so they apologize for the lack of something they "should" feel.

Ah.  There's that word.  Should.  Can we retire this word please?  Should statements are the worst.  Just the worst.  Don't use them.

I had an experience the other day.  It wasn't the best of days.  I watched too much Netflix, ate too much candy, spent too much time inside, and my dedicated productive hours became royally unproductive (four hours of PCR down the drain...)

I can be a lazy person, but I loathe feeling lazy.  One direction I could go with this is to label myself as lazy and then hate myself and then become more lazy the next day and then hate myself.  (Does anyone else do this??)

The point is that this day I didn't.  I had a bad day.  And the next day I showed myself some self love and positive thinking, and moved on.  Sometimes I think we think of progress in a very Alcoholics Anonymous kind of way.  The way that counts each day of success (1 week sober, 2 months sober, etc.) and starts over at one failure.  (I'm not meaning to knock AA; I think it's a beautiful program that helps a lot of people.)  This may work for addiction recovery, but I don't think one day of failure undoes days or weeks or years of successes.  I don't subscribe to the notion of "starting back at square one."

Rather, I believe in collecting successes and holding on to them like bullets to destroy any feelings of self-doubt or dejection that come along with the failures that life deals out.

Love life. Love yourself.  Love others.  And with age and experience, I'm getting better at this.  That's the message.

Dear Blog, It's Me, Tanya

Once upon a time I used to write on this blog.  And I had tons of fans.  [Okay, it was just my mom, but it still felt pretty great.]

Then I felt I ran out of ideas.  So I stopped writing.

Then I lived more life and had more ideas and made the brave (read=narcissistic) decision to put them on the internets.  So here's to a bright and bloggy future!

My life in a nutshell the past couple of months:

--I've been learning how to become a master of developmental biology.  Science can be very slow and confusing sometimes, but I think it's what I still want to do.  My back-up plan is to be a professional hippie.  (But hippies don't have 401K plans, so...)
--I've become really concerned with what it means to be a woman and be perceived as a woman (vs. a girl).  I'm really into owning my adulthood.  Yet, I still need to pay my taxes.  Gross.
--I started ballroom dancing again!  Because I love it. And I just wanted to.  It's okay to not be the world's greatest at the hobby you enjoy.
--I found some great friends and have had some great conversations.
--And I've had some thoughts on occasion.

Well, there you have it!

To be continued...

A Sad Day in Potluck History

Tomorrow my department has a Christmas potluck.  'Tis the season, eh?

EXCEPT...

As I went to sign up to bring something, the secretary informed me that it had to be store-bought.  Homemade goods are a no-go this year because of food handling permits, yada, yada, yada.   She seemed equally distraught to tell me this news as I was to hear it.

Who wants store-bought treats at Christmas??  It's the one time a year where people actually have motivation to make stuff!  I like how they treat it as if people have no freedom in their eating choices.  If you are wary of homemade stuff, don't eat it!  Furthermore I find it frustrating that we are more scared of whatever "germs" people are going to pass by bringing something from home than we are concerned with the hydrogenated oils, red 40, random preservatives, artificial colors, sugar sugar and more sugar, other ingredients masquerading as sugar, etc.  This seems a little backwards to me considering the ratio of how many times people get sick from other people's food versus how many people eat their health away with food that comes in boxes and cans--instead of from dirt.

Here's my conspiracy theory:  I think they want us to eat the junk with all the preservatives so that we'll all get cancer, and then people will still have jobs researching cures for cancer.  Yeah, I think that's right.

I might just bring a home-made dessert anyway with a big sign that says:  Warning:  These wheat-free, sugar-free, vegan brownies were made at home.  This means I probably licked my finger while making the batter, but they are cooked at 350 degrees, so you're probably okay.  Eat at your own risk.  (But seriously, you'll be missing out if you don't.)

Perspective

You know how everyone did that gratitude countdown to Thanksgiving on facebook (which was kind of annoying because for a whole month everyone was blowing up my newsfeed with how great their family, husband, kids, friends, life is...(I get it okay??))?  I would have liked to see more offbeat gratitude declarations, but that's just me.

Aaaaannnnyyyway, I actually have one.  A good one.

I'm grateful that my blog is fixed!!!  I don't have to write in HTML anymore.  And you should be grateful too because it means more random stories, needless details, and unsolicited opinions coming your way!

First on the docket:  I was starting to feel a tiny bit sad about my life today, but then I went on MSN.com and read that one of the stars of Little People Big World has been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

Seriously, Universe?  Seriously?  Couldn't cut them a break?

Now I'm not using their situation to make myself feel better, but reading that gives you perspective, you know?  Like, maybe life isn't that bad.  There are worse things in life than freaking out about your future Master's thesis or fretting about the boy who just doesn't like you back...no matter how much mascara you put on in the morning.

So huzzah!  Happy December everybody!